Anyway, YEAH. So, when Brad and Kathy and I started the little site up, we figured that getting to talk to industry type people would be pretty cool. Then we sobered up and re-entered reality.

Zounds! It done happened!

A quick interview with Theo Bergquist, CEO of digital retailer Gamersgate (to whom I have sent a fair chunk of change over the years), is complete. I’m not going to just repeat the whole thing here…though that would make for some pretty epic content poaching…but you can find it on The DRM News.

Part 1

Part 2

http://team.forsvarsmakten.se/english/#

Basically, it’s to test team building. There are four of you, each with a different color in a corner of the game screen. You will be given puzzles to solve…memorization, quick problem solving, matching, that sort of thing. The more you get right, the more ‘life’ is added to the person NEXT to you. Get them wrong, and they get less life. You are completely reliant on the person before you to ‘stay alive’. And once one goes, everyone else is basically fucked.

Kind of fun. Plus, you get to curse out some fuckwit in Bremen who can’t move a circle through a screen without heading a square and thus killing you. The best I’ve managed was 2 minutes 41 seconds as part of Team BM3KX7B or something like that. We kicked some ass! Of course, we were half Canadian, so what would you expect?

So yes, weird girly shit. Many of you privileged enough to be a part of my Google Reader/Buzz circle no doubt noticed the wonder of Vajazzling. What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s pretty simple…combine Bedazzler with vagina…ta-dah!

“Wow, that sounds ridiculous!” you are no doubt thinking. Oh, if you AREN’T thinking that, I wish for the world to do to you what Quinton Jackson does to Ricardo Arona here…

So, is this real? Yes. Yes it is. She got vajazzled. There are pictures. Like this one.

What the fuck? Ladies, seriously…SERIOUSLY?! Who is this for? The last thing I want to feel when reaching down the front of some girl’s pants ARE BUMPS OF ANY KIND. Doesn’t tend to set the mood, unless the mood you’re shooting for is “Holy shit, I gots to disinfect my hand!” So is it for you, then? What do you get out of it? “When the light hits my vulva just right, it acts like a vaginal prism.” Is that a goal to shoot for?

Oh yeah, this process costs $115. It lasts 5 days. It was apparently popularized by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is also known as the girl who popularized….uhhh…hmmm…oh, that’s right, starlets from warmed over Scream wannabes (I know what you did last summer…bad, BAD movies with you fleeing an evil, undead fisherman) deciding they can have a music career!

You know, I was going to include a video of her singing here. I can’t do it. I refuse to be the blog with videos of Jennifer Love Hewitt singing. I need to keep some level of dignity!

HA! You BELIEVED that?! I have no dignity! Not only will I embed said video, it’s a live version far, far away from any of those ‘pro tools’.

So, you thought THAT was bad (the whole Vajazzling…do I capitalize that???…not JLH singing. Seriously, does she change her vocal tone at any point in that entire song? And is she wearing carpeting? Oh, and if you’re a guy and watched all of that, what DOES cock taste like?). That was nothing…NOTHING.

Allow me to present…Vulva Original.

What the Hell is that? Well, watch the intro video and all is explained…eventually…after a lot of riding an exercise bike and ‘yearning looks’. I’m just going to quote the first page you see after that video :

New irresistible vaginal scent…new roll-on applicator

Getting the idea here? It’s vaginal scent…for your sensual pleasure.

I’ll just let THAT soak in…errr…that may not have been the best choice of words…hrm.

You’ll be happy to know it now contains more organic content…? And it only runs you 24.9 Euros per tiny little bottle. I would suggest that you hire a hooker, get her wet and and pay her to wipe herself off with a handkerchief and just carry that around. Spend the savings on lunch!

Now apparently this is a product for those of us lucky enough to be dudes. Once again, on behalf of men everywhere else…what the fuck is up with Europe? Christ, even JAPAN is looking at you fuckers and wondering what the Hell is wrong with you at this moment!

Oh, and I’ll wait until NOW to warn you all about the naked chicks on that site I linked to…hope you weren’t opening that as the boss walked in! (I totally do hope that, actually)

Fuck it, let’s go for one more. This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but everyone should be used to that by now with me and my shitty topic titles.

Enjoy Amazing Video Weirdness…10 minutes of absolutely bizarre video clips thrown together. Some highlights? A song teaching kids how to wipe their ass (while some tiny dude watches), a tiny shrunken head amusing kids, a man being beaten to death with his own severed arm, someone on Japanese TV being given a concussion for amusement, a fight between a martial artist and…gum?, William DeVane and Tommy Lee Jones blowing people away with shotguns, the horrifying spectacle of what happens when young Helen Hunt is given cocaine in an After School Special, a…tar bukkakke?, the most persistent drug dealers EVER (NOBODY TURNS DOWN DRUGS!), a man shooting himself to test body armour, a legless martial artist and Japanese…uhhh…’horror’ movies (Seriously…Japan…WHAT THE FUCK?!

I want to kill them. All of them. Messily. Perhaps with a lawnmower, Dead Alive style.

Oh, did I forget to mention that the preceding video is violent? Too bad. If you see a video after a line talking about killing with a lawnmower, Dead Alive style and are then surprised the video to follow is violent, fuck you too.

Oh, and incidentally, the actual scene in the movie goes on for so long that it manages to become quite boring. Really.

Anyway, yeah, fanboi types, lawnmower, fleshy squishy crunching noises and their death. Sounds like a good fucking evening of fun to me.

Now, they’ve always been around…what’s brought them out of the woodwork lately? Why the good folks at Ubisoft and their latest DRM plan that requires a permanent Internet connection 100% of the time when playing any of their upcoming games. Lose your connection? Too bad for you. Servers down? Too bad for you. It’s truly ASTOUNDING that an idea this bad originated in Quebec.

Yes, it sucks. That isn’t enough for PC fanboi types, though. No, these irrational jagoffs, constructed from the contents of hospital colostomy bags no doubt, are comparing this to rape. Yes indeed, rape. Brutal and unwanted sexual assault (…was the use of ‘unwanted’ really necessary in that sentence?) compares dead even to requiring constant server access to play a game. If you have ever honestly made this comparison, may you be ravaged by the entire populace of Lompoc penitentiary.

Then we have this exchange with a fellow forum user on Good Old Games. First is me, agreeing with the guy above (I would quote him but he just says the same thing and takes longer…and he isn’t me. Let him glorify himself on his own blog, goddammit!) :

Exactly. You want to send a message? Don’t buy it. Let’s just stop acting like computer games are some intrinsic right, or necessary to enjoyment of life.

And the response :

Oh, but they are. Entertaintment is an intrinsic right. Just like broadband internet access. They recognized that over in Finland.

Drink that genius in. Shit, we’re gonna need FEMA to run over to this poor motherfucker’s house and hook his ass up with some DRM-free Assassin’s Creed II, STAT!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Entertainment is an intrinsic right…right up their with Freedom of Speech and, you know, access to water?! If this is the sort of drivel that will regularly be flowing from it, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. NEVER open it again. EVER. Under any circumstances. Have a cold and your nose is stuffed up? Suffocate. Good fucking riddance.

Can we PLEASE stop with the ridiculous fucking comparisons and bleating bullshit about ‘our plight’? And if we can’t get these rejected shit samples to just shut the fuck up, can we perhaps start sacrificing them to Tilikum, the serial killing whale?

You don’t like the new system? Don’t buy it. Play something else. Just stop whining like a spineless fairy about how your ‘rights’ have been exploited you fucking stain. The world should issue rewards for worthless shit like this being stomped from the gene pool.

And yet, what do I see? An inundation of CANADA AWSUM! crap. All that I see is Canadian hypocrites whining about US nationalism and self obsession…then engaging in the exact same behaviour towards this country. We criticize them for their supposed faults, then engage in those same behaviours to describe in detail how we’re better…uhhh, pot? Have you met kettle?

Making it worse…the Olympics. How many times have we all seen and heard and read critiques of US Olympic coverage as only covering US athletes? Yet, I see CTV and its sister stations doing THE EXACT SAME THING with regards to Canadian athletes right now. Oh, but that’s okay because we’re somehow magically exempt from the rules against fervent nationalism?!

SHUT…THE…FUCK…UP. If you aren’t willing to follow the same rules you’re throwing down on others, shut your fucking mouth.

Oh, and on the Olympic issue itself…do you ever follow amateur athletics during non Olympic years? How many Canadian Olympic competitors could you have named before the games started? Yeah, that’s what I thought…stop claiming you support amateur athletics if the only time you give a fuck is during an Olympic year. Shut up.

This message brought to you by the Cliff Society of Thinking the Olympics are Pretty Much Bullshit.

The Good

-Is it just me or are there a really high number of smokin’ hot female athletes? Goddamn!

-The respect shown to the members of the Georgian team after their teammate was killed during a training run earlier in the day. Very nice to see. Even a bastard like me thought that was great.

-The entire section that was a salute to a lot of native mythology and beliefs was fantastic, with some pretty neat lighting effects.

-Who the Hell knew that fiddlers and tap dancers could be that fucking cool?! Seriously, who the fuck knew?! Never would I have thought that people playing fiddles and tap dancing could be described as anything close to bad ass, but they fit the bill.

-The ‘who will light the final flame?’ question coming down to 5 people as a group was a nice touch.

-I cannot stand K.D. Lang. She did a great version of Hallelujah, though, so my hat’s off to her.

The Bad

-Steven Harper is awkward to the point of not quite registering as human. He spent the whole evening with that weird sort of excuse for a smile that he uses, coming off about as natural and lifelike as your average Roomba. And then he tried waving when Team Canada walked in. Never before has a wave seemed so forced…it’s like the guy had never done it before. He ended up looking like the goddamn Lost in Space robot.

“Danger, Steven, Danger! You’re dangerously close to expressing an emotion! Danger!”

-That stupid fucking Olympic theme song. So many hackneyed cliches, so little time. So much sappy BLECH packed in to a couple of minutes. Apparently it’s called I Believe by someone named Nikki Yanofsky. Because I’m an asshole, I’m going to share it…you’re welcome! Try not to choke on the saccharine.

Jesus, I had never seen the video before. It actually makes that song worse. That’s actually impressive.

-The goddamn lighting ceremony at the end basically broke. How embarrassing is that? The five ‘mystery lighters’…Rick Hansen, Catrina le may Doan, Nancy Greene, Steve Nash and Gretz…are just standing there looking awkwardly around the place because a bunch of hydraulic arms don’t raise up. They finally do…well, most of them. One didn’t, so one of the lighters got to clap a lot while everyone else lit the stupid fire. Face palmingly lame.

-Okay, so then Gretzky gets driven down to the waterfront to light another bowl up out there (Wayne…lighting up two bowls in one night in Vancouver…mofo’s hardcore!). It takes a good ten minutes…and man, was THAT ten minutes of scintillating airtime!

-Announcers…SHUT THE FUCK UP. “Well, they believe they have a chance to win.” No shit, genius, that’s why they’re all there! And I don’t need every goddamn thing explained to me! Lloyd Robertson running his mouth about how ‘the flickering above the surface is meant to resemble the Northern Lights.’ Lloyd, just slap me in the face and tell me that you think I’m too fucking stupid to get it…at least then you’d resemble a man. Fuck.

-Speeches. REALLY? REALLY? Who wanted to listen to this shit! Two monotone droners rambling on and on about ‘Olympic ideals’ and ‘living up to the dream’ and ‘winning one for the Gipper’ and on and on. Who wanted this!? Even the athletes were cracking jokes and rolling their eyes! SHUT UP! Nobody cares about the old white fuckers making all the money behind the scenes! If that was popular, Bernie Madoff would not be in prison, he’d be the commissioner of the All American Pyramid Scheme League!

The Embarrassing

-On behalf of Canada to the rest of the world, we are just as confused as all of you no doubt are by that duet by Nelly Furtado and Bryan Adams. BRYAN ADAMS?! Seriously? What crypt did they dig him up out of! Was the flat bed truck that would have been required to ship Rita McNeil to the event too expensive? And that song! Go watch that above video again. Now imagine something EVEN WORSE. The song was called Bang a Drum…it basically consisted of some blathering bullshit about ‘Bang a Drum loud until the world hears’. I am assuming that it was written by a special education class somewhere who won the chance to be song writers in a contest. If a legitimate songwriter came up with that, I would hope they’ve had the common decency to commit seppuku by now.

And as if the song wasn’t shitty enough, their lip syncing was some of the worst that I have ever seen. Just atrocious. I spent the interminable period in which this performance occurred seriously considering changing my citizenship.

The Disturbing

-Okay, the Georgian luge guy dies during a training run…fine. You mention it to explain the ovation given to his teammates when they walk in…fine. You mention it to explain why they’re wearing the black armbands. Fine.

WHY IN THE FUCK DOES NBC SHOW THE GODDAMN VIDEO?!

Seriously, this is one where I am not exaggerating the anger, because this was just sick. Nobody needs to see a human being go flying off a luge sled at 145 km/h and slam in to a metal pole before falling on to the concrete surface. This was completely unnecessary. To describe it as distasteful doesn’t even begin to cover how reprehensible a decision this fuckup was. And it didn’t even end there! No, we get to look at his body lying still and twisted while people are running over to him and weeping.

The decision to show this video was inexcusable, and whoever decided it was a good idea to do so should be heavily beaten by the rest of the Georgian team.

It seems that a guy named Kevin Singer, serving a sentence for First Degree Intentional Homicide, got ahold of some D&D gear. Crazy motherfucker even wrote up his own SCENARIO for it…can you IMAGINE?!

Actually…back up a second. First Degree…Intentional…Homicide? First Degree murder is pre-meditated murder, as in “Hey, let’s come up with a detailed plan to kill my cheating whore of a wife.” Do they really have to add the ‘Intentional’ part? Or is it somehow possible to accidentally plan the murder of someone, then follow through completely unintentionally?

“Holy shit, Gus, now that we’ve executed that bastard of a boss in the way that we planned out in detail, I realize this wasn’t actually supposed to happen!”

“Ha! The wackiness!”

“I totally call a mulligan on this extermination of human life.”

Anyway, back to the story at hand…

This fiend named Kevin Singer had started up a little D&D CULT, and they were playing their little games and such. And I think that we all know what THAT entailed :

OH MY GOD! The horror! A collection of thugged up inmates, all…uhhh…hmmm. No, that’s not what I was looking for. Ah, HERE we go.

Yes, THERE is the reality of what your Dungeons and your Dragons lead to! Look upon fear itself, for…hmmm. You know, that doesn’t really work either. Hell, that is the gayest looking coven of Satanists that I have ever seen. What the fuck is with the dude on the left? The goat and the boar I get, but the left guy looks like he’s wearing the mask of Hello Kitty’s Kinda Evil Gay Brother. And the unmasked guy most definitely looks like the type who drives around in a panel van, offering candy bars to kids outside of elementary schools before being chased off by the crossing guard. Yeah, let’s just go back to the first photo…The evil of royalty mixed with bitch lookin’ like one of those Imperial Guard dudes from Return of the Jedi (What did those guys DO, by the way? Worst…guards…EVER).

So anyway, it turns out that Kevin’s little devil worship coffee klatch weren’t inviting just anyone to their little reindeer games. Other inmates complained that Kev had formed a gang. The prison took away his D&D stuff. Kev appealed. He lost.

Singer was told by prison officials that he could not keep the materials because Dungeons & Dragons “promotes fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviours, and possible gambling,” according to the ruling. The prison later developed a more comprehensive policy against all types of fantasy games, the court said.

So there you go…just look at the horrible things D&D will lead to! It’s like a death spiral in to depravity and mental illness. Although, you maybe COULD use the one about fantasy role playing being verboten. If you find yourself in Cellblock C with some big mofo who begins a regimen of repeatedly raping you while closing his eyes and picturing this :

…you just tell the warden that he’s engaging in some of that fantasy role playing, and that you’re pretty sure you saw him stashing a 20 sided die the other day…

On a side note, I wonder what watch lists you turn up on when launching Google searches for :

-Lady GaGa meets Queen

-Satanic ceremony photos

-Megan Fox bending over car pic

Talking point: Jack Layton’s decision to [whatever he's deciding] once again shows his lack of support for our troops.

 

Then he’s showing TOO MUCH support for our troops. Back off, G.I. Jack. RT @willmurray89: what if announcement is he’s joining the army?

Anyway, his Super Bowl live blog can be found here. I’m also just going to quote the damn thing in its entirety after the break here, because it’s fucking gold…and because that will let me boost my content.

10:03 a.m. ET Five hundred and eight minutes before kickoff, ESPN’s four-hour pre-pre-game show opens, and within mere seconds there’s the sound of… horns… violins… oh my God they couldn’t already be going to Well of Over-the-Topness, could they?… and suddenly a graphic on the screen: “Every Ring Has a Story, Narrated by Andy Garcia.” That sound we hear – could that be a… lute? Cue the images of old-timey football. “Every ring has a story, a story carved in gold,” Garcia says, slowly, verrrrrrry slowly, like a supervillain in a Bond movie or Kevin from The Office. “A story adorned in gems – 43 histories of kings, and the crowns they’ve worn upon their hands.” Easy, dude – leave some forced gravitas for later in the day.

10:20 Panel discussion on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, the most talked-about body part in America this week, having finished slightly ahead of Sarah Palin’s hand and Tiger Woods’ naughty bit. A consensus emerges: the ankle is either going to be sore or it’s not, and it’s either going to be a huge factor or no factor or possibly a minor factor. With intel that solid, is there even any reason left to play the game?

10:33 We’re told the NFL has spent $6-million on security for the Super Bowl to ensure “an incident-free event.” And yet no one has raised a finger to stop Mike Ditka from assaulting the English language.

11:01 Panel discussion about Peyton Manning. Tragedy strikes when so many complimentary adjectives are used up that we’re temporarily left with no way to describe Scarlett Johansson’s body.

11:08 Feature on Indianapolis fan whose goal is to tattoo onto his body the autographs of all 53 members of the 2007 Super Bowl-winning Colts. He’s currently at 32. “When Tony Dungy agreed to sign my left shoulder, that’s the point I realized I need to get the rest of the team.” Makes sense: I think we all feel that same sense of purpose when Tony Dungy signs us.

11:11 Tattoo Guy says people who mock him just don’t understand. “It’s about the journey,” he says. That and the hepatitis.

11:13 ESPN brings in two former Colts to autograph Tattoo Guy’s arms, and a Miami tattoo artist to make their signatures permanent – right now! On live television! Why isn’t Ken Burns making a 10-part documentary about this? “We’ll be back and we’ll monitor Jose’s work,” Chris Mortensen threatens.

11:28 Saints defensive co-ordinator Gregg Williams says his team needs to do something to get into Peyton Manning’s head. Idea: Have Jabari Greer brush up against him and whisper: “Those pants flatter you.”

11:32 Former QB Steve Young likens the pressure on quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Drew Brees to that being felt by two brain surgeons before a big operation. That’s preposterous! Surgeons don’t need to read the cornerback blitz. (On the other hand, surgeons invariably face the threat of legal ramifications for cupping their hands underneath the buttocks of a colleague. Let’s call it a sawoff.)

11:41 Scores of people are gathered around watching Colts Tattoo Guy slowly get inked up. There hasn’t been a spectacle this riveting since the nap I’m about to take. See you around 2 p.m. ET for the actual pre-game.

1:54 p.m. I wake to terrible news: I missed Chris Berman’s interview with Emeril. Did he wear the white outfit? Did he say Bam? Did 1998 call and ask for its celebrity chef back? I NEED CLOSURE ON THIS!!

2:01 Two hundred and sixty three minutes before kickoff, the official pre-game show begins on CBS. Are you ready for some hyperbole? How about some bedsores?

2:09 The guys stuck filing live reports from outside the team hotels: Making sideline reporters seem relevant by comparison since 1997.

2:19 We see footage of Peyton Manning getting onto the team bus, meaning I’ve lost my first prop bet of the day: Manning arrival by hang-glider.

2:24 It took 24 whole minutes for someone to mention Brett Favre and speculate on whether he’ll be back next season. It’ll take me substantially longer to go to Best Buy and replace the HD TV I just shattered with a beer bottle. (I warned you, Mr. Panasonic. I warned you not to say that name.)

2:29 Remember when 3,000 network executives, all Hollywood agencies and every American TV morning show were vying to win the broadcasting services of Tiki Barber? Just saw him doing a commercial for Ritz crackers. “Nadir” is the one for rock bottom, right?

2:34 Boomer Esiason just said “Ritz crackers” four times in one sentence, and then ate several Ritz crackers live on television. He’s trimming your grass, Tiki Barber!

2:43 Ritz is everywhere today. On commercials. On signs behind the CBS panelists. In Boomer Esiason’s noisehole. I wouldn’t want to be Triscuits right now.

2:44 Tim Tebow’s controversial Focus on the Family commercial airs. I assume this will be followed by Boomer Esiason climbing atop the CBS sports desk and personally delivering four non-aborted babies.

2:54 Up next: An “unpredictable” celebrity chef. What does that mean? That he might weld or tapdance instead of cook?

2:57 I’m not familiar with this Guy Fieri chef guy, but I am familiar with the migraine he’s giving me.

2:59 Chef Guy plops a cream cheese mix and jalapenos on some Ritz crackers. He shows off his Buffalo wing meatballs stuffed with… Ritz crackers. Prediction: Box of Ritz crackers plays drums for The Who at halftime.

3:08 Host James Brown introduces a “feature” on the Gatorade Performance Lab. It makes the devouring of crackers by Boomer Esiason look like classy product placement. (This just in: Dwight Freeney’s ankle to be wrapped in Ritz.)

3:13 Obligatory Hurricane Katrina feature. Football team credited with healing, rebuilding, resurrecting entire community. If only a short-sighted George W. Bush had poured more resources into the Saints right from the get-go.

3:31 Peyton Manning has arrived in the locker room. We can see that he’s removed his suit jacket and untucked his shirt. And to think there are people out there who aren’t watching all 5,000 hours of the pre-game show — some of them probably think Manning still has his shirt tucked in, or maybe isn’t even wearing a shirt at all. Suckers.

3:34 So we started the show with a feature on a young football player who died in a car wreck. Then the piece on Katrina. Now Haiti. Don’t get me wrong: I was already on my way to getting drunk. But I wasn’t planning on doing it for depression-based reasons.

3:53 You know how once you’ve spent a long period in captivity, you’re prone to having sympathy for your captors? It’s called the Stockholm Syndrome. But sometimes your captors inflict something so terrible on you that it actually hardens your resolve against them. Based on what I seeing right now on TV, I think it’s safe to call that the Daughtry Syndrome.

4:11 New Orleans was hit by a hurricane a few years back?? WHY HAS MORE NOT BEEN MADE OF THIS TODAY??!

4:12 James Brown informs us that Pizza Hut expects to sell more than 1.7 million pizzas today. Placed side by side, those pizzas would cover more than 45 football fields. Coincidentally, those are the exact terms under which Jerome Bettis said he’d continue playing for the Steelers.

4:21 This is the product placementiest Super Bowl pre-game show of all time. Ritz crackers in Boomer Esiason’s mouth. A report from the E-trade baby. Now Pizza Hut pizza all over the desk. Let’s just cross our fingers and hope this thing isn’t also sponsored by Viagra.

4:42 Katie Couric interviews America’s “first fan,” President Barack Obama. I’m not saying the President’s popularity is in decline, but he now claims to be writing a book about football. (In reality, most of the discussion is about health care. And what’s striking to me is that neither the Republicans nor the Democrats have a comprehensive plan that would solve the deficiencies inherent in Dwight Freeney’s ankle.)

4:48 At the urging of Boomer Esiason and the E-trade baby, Katie Couric crams Barack Obama full of Ritz. FOOTBALL!!!!!!

4:54 Roll call for today’s pre-game show: Tragic death, Katrina, Haiti, a five-year-old leukemia victim, a prolonged discussion of Washington legislative gridlock and the spectre of ongoing terrorist threats. Don’t tell me, let me guess what’s next: the climax of Terms of Endearment?

4:56 Steve Winwood? Performing outside the Super Bowl?? What, did Haircut 100 have a thing?

5:04 Seems I was wrong about Terms of Endearment. Instead, we get an emotional jailhouse interview with Plaxico Burress, the former New York Giants receiver who shot himself while illegally carrying a gun in a nightclub. How emotional an interview is it? Piano music is involved. The tinkly kind. The tinkly kind.

5:14 Now it’s some Callaway product placement featuring a taped bit involving Phil Mickelson, who attempts to forecast the outcome of the Super Bowl using a new Callaway driver, two golf balls and… I gotta be honest: I can’t even be bothered to finish this sentence. Enjoy Boz Scaggs instead, everyone.

5:42 Hey, wow, look: another story of “redemption, recovery and rebirth.” Let this serve as a lesson to football teams seeking to be part of future Super Bowls – you or your community needs to undergo some terrible trauma from which to bounce back, like enduring a devastating tornado or surviving a conversation with Chad Ochocinco.

5:51 Thanks for the pre-game show, CBS! I was especially fond of the constant invoking of misery, disease, crime, natural disaster, human tragedy and Ritz crackers. It’s too bad you guys didn’t get to organize Obama’s inauguration: I think we all would have enjoyed the endless historical footage of lynching, slavery and racism.

6:18 Dear Queen Latifah: Singing a song slower does not necessarily equal singing a song better. (On another note: Why don’t we as Canadians have a variety of patriotic songs that serve as secondary or “bonus” anthems, like America the Beautiful? I nominate Boys in the Bright White Sports Car.)

6:21 Carrie Underwood, Urban Cowgirl.

6:28 Emmitt Smith, Hall of Fame football player. His potential induction into the Coin-Flipping Hall of Fame, however, has just suffered a serious setback. Bet the Saints never figured the coin toss to be a concussion risk.

6:32 Eight and a half hours in front of the TV and, finally, kickoff. My ass feels like Dwight Freeney’s ankle.

6:39 Watching Manning on this opening drive, New Orleans fans have got to be about as confident as a studio executive whose big summer film stars Jennifer Aniston.

6:43 Watching U.S. feed. Betty White and Abe Vigoda in the same commercial = I’m a Snickers fan for life now.

7:03 “Sorry, Coke.” Oh yeah, I’m going on record as a fan of that Simpsons/Coke commercial. Also of that Colts’ 96-yard drive. I haven’t seen a Man v. Boys vibe like this since Friday nights at Neverland. (T-Pain/Autotune commercial = hilarious.)

7:17 I believe we now have conclusive evidence that Freeney’s ankle is fine. Can we all start talking about a different body part? Suggestion: Megan Fox’s chest.

7:22 Letterman, Oprah and Leno? Best promo ad ever.

7:23 Back-to-back commercials that centre on jokes about pantlessness. Maybe I’d be welcome in the advertising world after all.

7:40 An outside run on third and goal from the one? And then the same freaking play again on fourth down?? Turns out the “Sean Payton as genius playcaller” hype was about as accurate as the “Spider-Man 3 will be awesome (or at least kinda make sense)” hype.

7:47 Impressive second quarter for the Saints. Peyton Manning saw less action on the field than Tiger Woods gets at home.

8:02 Halftime with The Who. Let this spectacle serve as a lesson to all the young rebels out there: You can’t just hope to die before you get old. You have to be proactive.

8:04 Just in case any of you were wondering what my Grandma would look like performing at the Super Bowl halftime show: Roger Daltrey.

8:08 Did you notice how the one shot of Daltrey shows a clock counting down behind him… 12:20… 12:19… 12:18…? Maybe that’s how much time is left before the band starts to sound good.

8:12 Regretting that my Super Bowl XLIV Over/Under Challenge didn’t include the category: glimpses of Pete Townshend’s belly.

8:24 An onside kick to start the second half: We haven’t seen a decision that gutsy since a man touched Lindsay Lohan.

8:29 To those of you who are curious what became of Peyton Manning, last seen by human eyes about 75 minutes ago: He’s making me nachos.

8:40 Colts touchdown! Is there anything Peyton Manning can’t do? Besides make nachos. (Soggy.)

8:46 Looks like Freeney’s ankle is an issue again. Except in the alternate timeline where the plane landed at LAX.

9:02 Just one left quarter to go in the Super Bowl and the 2009-10 season. The thought of seven whole months of no NFL makes me sad. As does the thought of one more minute of Susan Boyle.

9:03 Colts go for it on fourth and two from near midlfield, and make it. Coach Jim Caldwell celebrates by treating himself to an extra blink.

9:11 This is such a fine display of quarterbacking from both Manning and Brees that JaMarcus Russell is actually getting better at his job by osmosis.

9:14 Saints touchdown! Not sure how closely you’re playing attention, but right now Dwight Freeney is having about as much impact on the game as my Kim Kardashian voodoo doll.

9:16 New Orleans challenges a denied two-point conversion, and wins. An enraged Jim Caldwell gazes slightly to the left. (He’s either a terrific role model for emotional balance or the man that the producers of Weekend at Bernie’s 3 have been waiting for.)

9:24 Manning drives the Colts toward a potential tying score, proving once and for all that he hates the city of New Orleans and does not want it to heal as a community.

9:29 Manning throws an interception, proving once and for all that he hates the city of Indianapolis and does not want it to to have anything whatsoever going for it as a community.

9:41 Old meme: Peyton Manning potentially the greatest QB of all time. New meme: Peyton Manning potentially the greatest QB named Manning.

9:45 Answer: Nobody. Question: Who dat?

9:59 Mauled and fondled indiscriminately as it’s brought to midfield, the Vince Lombardi trophy now knows how it feels to be Paris Hilton. (Answer: violated and tingly.)

10:04 Good night, folks. I’ll be the guy looking forward to Labour Day and the 2010 kickoff. (Who dat going to beat the Bills? Slightly fewer teams than last year possibly!)

Posting before there are pictures of the team celebrating with the Lombardi Trophy? Improvise! Is that chick in front armed???

So, the Saints win, 31-17. This means I must face the depressing reality that I am worse at picking Super Bowl winners than EA’s Madden football. I think perhaps I’ll have some scotch…

Solid game overall. Not the best one that I’ve seen (that would be Denver beating Green Bay 31-24 at the end of ‘97-‘98), but certainly better than most.

Drew Brees is the obvious pick for game MVP. Just a ridiculous game from him. And hey, Reggie Bush decided not to be useless! Does this mean he now has to propose to Kim Kardashian? That’s incentive? Really? Dude, there are plenty of attention whore skanks in the sea. Maybe Brees can step up in the clutch and somehow pass his buddy’s way out of harm’s way. I personally contend that Reggie was running hard with the intention of heading out the tunnel…out the stadium…out the town…out the country…

Also, an onside kick to start the second half? Sean Payton’s rather smug look at times is now explained, as he’s hiding about 15 pounds of brass balls in his pants.

Attention, Pierre Garcon…typically, you don’t signal your quarterback that you’re open in the end zone UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

Attention NFL…I am a fan of The Who. I think Roger Daltrey is one of the greatest vocalists in rock history. Sitting there listening to that guy barely croak his way through their songs kind of made me want to cut my wrists…well, your wrists, actually. It was depressing. Can we please stop the goddamn over the hill tour through half time to avoid the off chance of maybe giving 63 overweight fundamentalists in Kentucky a conniption if “one o’ them coloreds” bares a tit again? That’d be great, thanks.

Congratulations Saints, and congratulations New Orleans. Oh, and enjoy the ‘Indianapolis Colts – Super Bowl 44 Champions!’ attire, people of Haiti!

New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts

Now that the Saints, who took 21 years to even have a winning season, have made a Super Bowl, the number of teams who haven’t is down to four. And considering three of those teams have less than 20 years of existence to look back at (Jacksonville, Cleveland redux and Houston), it really elevates the crapulence of the Detroit Lions organization.

The game occurs in a dome in Florida, so neither team really gains a decisive advantage since both the Saints and Colts play their home games in a dome.

Here’s what this comes down to : Can the blitz packages of the Saints get pressure on Peyton Manning? Peyton seems to have a freaky sixth sense about these things. He’s the master of changing up blocking assignments to pick up bandits. And if those guys don’t get to him, you just guaranteed him man to man coverage on at least one of the seemingly 316 quality receivers he has to throw to. I don’t think the Saints blitz is going to work this time around, and I think one of the Indy backs is going to surprise by putting up about 90-100 yards rushing and a TD with a lot of audibles in to draw plays to burn heavy rush packages.

On the flip side, Drew Brees and his flying circus takes on Indy’s defence, a D whose best pass rusher is going to play with torn ankle ligaments. The thing is, Indy doesn’t blitz, and I think Mathis and Brock can still put heat on Drew Brees. Things might look a little differently if I had any reason to believe that Reggie Bush would actually play well. I don’t. Pierre Thomas will gouge the Colts on the ground, but if/when Peyton starts throwing down the field drive after drive, New Orleans is going to have to stop running and play chuck and duck to keep up.

In the end, I have the Colts winning their second title of this era by a score of 31-21.