Peer Pressure Works!

As many of you know, I’m cynical about the Olympics as a whole. I see a massive cash grab somewhat disguised in fake nationalism and pride. The whole exercise tends towards being a farce. Despite all of that, I found myself watching the Opening Ceremonies tonight…my sister Pam and newest niece Lillian are visiting, and they were there, so I was FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCE! Yeah, that’s it!

The Good

-Is it just me or are there a really high number of smokin’ hot female athletes? Goddamn!

-The respect shown to the members of the Georgian team after their teammate was killed during a training run earlier in the day. Very nice to see. Even a bastard like me thought that was great.

-The entire section that was a salute to a lot of native mythology and beliefs was fantastic, with some pretty neat lighting effects.

-Who the Hell knew that fiddlers and tap dancers could be that fucking cool?! Seriously, who the fuck knew?! Never would I have thought that people playing fiddles and tap dancing could be described as anything close to bad ass, but they fit the bill.

-The ‘who will light the final flame?’ question coming down to 5 people as a group was a nice touch.

-I cannot stand K.D. Lang. She did a great version of Hallelujah, though, so my hat’s off to her.

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Posting before there are pictures of the team celebrating with the Lombardi Trophy? Improvise! Is that chick in front armed???

So, the Saints win, 31-17. This means I must face the depressing reality that I am worse at picking Super Bowl winners than EA’s Madden football. I think perhaps I’ll have some scotch…

Solid game overall. Not the best one that I’ve seen (that would be Denver beating Green Bay 31-24 at the end of ‘97-‘98), but certainly better than most.

Drew Brees is the obvious pick for game MVP. Just a ridiculous game from him. And hey, Reggie Bush decided not to be useless! Does this mean he now has to propose to Kim Kardashian? That’s incentive? Really? Dude, there are plenty of attention whore skanks in the sea. Maybe Brees can step up in the clutch and somehow pass his buddy’s way out of harm’s way. I personally contend that Reggie was running hard with the intention of heading out the tunnel…out the stadium…out the town…out the country…

Also, an onside kick to start the second half? Sean Payton’s rather smug look at times is now explained, as he’s hiding about 15 pounds of brass balls in his pants.

Attention, Pierre Garcon…typically, you don’t signal your quarterback that you’re open in the end zone UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

Attention NFL…I am a fan of The Who. I think Roger Daltrey is one of the greatest vocalists in rock history. Sitting there listening to that guy barely croak his way through their songs kind of made me want to cut my wrists…well, your wrists, actually. It was depressing. Can we please stop the goddamn over the hill tour through half time to avoid the off chance of maybe giving 63 overweight fundamentalists in Kentucky a conniption if “one o’ them coloreds” bares a tit again? That’d be great, thanks.

Congratulations Saints, and congratulations New Orleans. Oh, and enjoy the ‘Indianapolis Colts – Super Bowl 44 Champions!’ attire, people of Haiti!

Ahhhh shit, it’s that time again.

New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts

Now that the Saints, who took 21 years to even have a winning season, have made a Super Bowl, the number of teams who haven’t is down to four. And considering three of those teams have less than 20 years of existence to look back at (Jacksonville, Cleveland redux and Houston), it really elevates the crapulence of the Detroit Lions organization.

The game occurs in a dome in Florida, so neither team really gains a decisive advantage since both the Saints and Colts play their home games in a dome.

Here’s what this comes down to : Can the blitz packages of the Saints get pressure on Peyton Manning? Peyton seems to have a freaky sixth sense about these things. He’s the master of changing up blocking assignments to pick up bandits. And if those guys don’t get to him, you just guaranteed him man to man coverage on at least one of the seemingly 316 quality receivers he has to throw to. I don’t think the Saints blitz is going to work this time around, and I think one of the Indy backs is going to surprise by putting up about 90-100 yards rushing and a TD with a lot of audibles in to draw plays to burn heavy rush packages.

On the flip side, Drew Brees and his flying circus takes on Indy’s defence, a D whose best pass rusher is going to play with torn ankle ligaments. The thing is, Indy doesn’t blitz, and I think Mathis and Brock can still put heat on Drew Brees. Things might look a little differently if I had any reason to believe that Reggie Bush would actually play well. I don’t. Pierre Thomas will gouge the Colts on the ground, but if/when Peyton starts throwing down the field drive after drive, New Orleans is going to have to stop running and play chuck and duck to keep up.

In the end, I have the Colts winning their second title of this era by a score of 31-21.

 NFC – Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints

This might not be the most exciting matchup in terms of shock value (anyone with a functional cerebrum saw this coming about half a season ago), but it is the two best teams in the conference squaring off, and that’s usually fun to watch.

Minnesota and leader/crotchety old man Grampa Favre can probably put up some numbers on the Saints. I actually think that New Orleans’ blitz packages will give them a more consistent pass rush than Dallas had last week (then again, the occupants of a ward full of quadriplegics could probably accomplish that goal), but they’ll give up more on the ground to Purple Jesus, He of the Book of Fumbles.

New Orleans is pretty much next to impossible to cover, simply because they have approximately 62 receivers who can make plays if you don’t lock them down. So pass rush is key, and the Saints have a better pass blocking line than the Dallas boys (big and fat is as helpful to pass blocking as it is to a healthy heart). I don’t see Jared Allen (a man who really should be driving long haul in a plaid shirt with the sleeves torn off, using the CB call sign of ‘Jimmy Vegas’) teeing off like they did on Tony Romo last week. I don’t really like Romo, but even I felt badly for him. Had they focused on his mom in the stands at some point, you would have seen her wincing…not because her son was in pain, but because those hits were actually shattering HER pelvis.

I’ll take the Saints, as the Vikings have to deal with a raucous, noisy crowd on the road. Plus, New Orleans owner Tom Benson had Dubya in his luxury box last week…that crazy bastard will foment a Republican-led revolution that ends with the National Guard shooting the Vikings of they should win.

AFC – New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts

The most astounding piece of Jets new this week? Rex Ryan apparently eats 7000 calories a day. That would explain why he looks like Gumby after a few Jacko bleach treatments.

The Jets shouldn’t be here, but they are. They’ve won two games in impressive fashion. However, with Shaun Ellis now reduced to one good hand and a shattered lump wrapped in what looked like 63 rolls of medical tape, and numerous other guys messed up pretty good, they aren’t exactly in a great position this week.

The Colts are pissed off. This is their chance to show everyone that with their starts in the game, they can stomp a mud hole right through the Jets. They’re angry, they’re motivated, and they’re capable of actually pressuring the passer. A pressured Mark Sanchez does not a poised Mark Sanchez make. They also have a semblance of a running game, something San Diego couldn’t say.

I’ve got the Colts winning this one, at least in part because I think they have a chance against the Saints or Vikings, while the Jets would be crushed. I don’t need to see another Super Bowl ass kicking.

I went 2-2 last week. Hopefully I can show some goddamn improvement here.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts

The Ravens looked excellent against New England, but the Pats defence possesses as much speed as you’re likely to find in a typical retirement home. Indy’s defence can run. The issue with them is that size wise, they sort of look like blue and white clad Lilliputians. This hasn’t hurt them too much this year, but Baltimore plays a physical, pounding brand of football.

On the other hand, the Colts score at will. Peyton Manning is not so much a quarterback…no, he’s some sort of cyborg programmed for pure football excellence. The guy makes ripping defences apart look as difficult as pitch and catch. He also has a rather ginormous melon….maybe to contain a genetically altered uberbrain???

Anyway, I’ll take he of the malformed dome over the Ray Lewis Murder Express, but it will be a close game. I’m also going to make up some sort of arbitrary competition matchup for each game. For this one…which is mentioned more : Ray Lewis is credited by the announcers for his amazing leadership, or Peyton Manning gets angry when a receiver misses a catch? (I’ll take Lewis) (continue reading…)

So, by popular demand from my co-Head of the Consortium, I shall take a look at the impending NFL playoffs.

New York Jets vs. Cincinnati Bengals

A rematch of a week 17 ass kicking, where the Jets stomped all over the Bengals to the tune of 37-0. Of course, since the Bengals had already clinched their playoff position, the Jets basically beat the shit out of a bunch of guys not good enough for regular football duty who sit on the bench all year just in case their team plays well enough to need to rest their starters. The Jets may as well have stomped the fuck out of the fifth grade class of St. Ebenezer’s Elementary.

What this comes down to is the Bengals vs. the incredible level of poise displayed by Mark Sanchez, which he must have in spades since it’s ALL I EVER HEAR ANYONE TALK ABOUT. One more word about him and his goddamn poise and I will crucify a random passer by. Where was all this magical talk of poise when he was throwing 5 picks a game? Perhaps the interceptions were thrown with such precision that they shouldn’t even have really counted as turnovers.

Also, how in the fuck did Alan Faneca make the Pro Bowl? Worst pick in the conference…the guy is worse at pass protection than Dane Cook is at making smart people laugh.

Seeing as the Jets made the playoffs due to their final two opponents playing their scrubs (woohoo! Playoffs via pity!), this should be an absolute flogging at the hands of Cincy, poise be damned!

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