Now, I’ll be the first to admit that the show is uneven. Some of the sketches are goddamn hilarious…like this one!

However, they aren’t all winners. Some scream “FILLER!” from the rooftops, like the Phantom of the Opera. You know, if he was on top of the roof…and shouting about failed comedy bits, rather than plotting to hook up with the the singer chick. That was a horrible analogy. Let this amusing sketch featuring Kool Aid Kool’s more disturbing brother distract you from my ghastly and senseless comparison.

Luckily, when they hit…they hit with a 2 by 4. Kind of reminds me of Kids in the Hall. That was another uneven sketch show, but it was worth sitting through the “Why is this still happening?!” bits to see the winners. Well, except for that whole episode with the story arc about the Queen and a beaver guy and a tabloid journalist all reaching the Arctic. That was pretty lame. But this isn’t!

So…yeah. I’ve run out of things to say. Celebrate!

Maybe I could actually win at that version of Mortal Kombat. MAYBE.

From the Denver Post :

A woman told state troopers she was fleeing a vampire when she ran her sport-utility vehicle into a canal in Mesa County Sunday night, KKCO television station in Grand Junction reported.

53,000 points for excuse originality. Also, who wouldn’t flee a vampire? What I want to know is what variety of bloodsucker it was. Are we talking Count Drac with the cape and greased back hair, or the ridiculous vegan glittery candy asses the kids seem to like these days?

The woman, whose name was not released, told a trooper she was traveling alone about 9:25 p.m. on a dirt road near Fruita when she came upon the vampire, threw her vehicle in reverse and ran off the road. The SUV came to rest on its passenger side.

So your escape strategy when faced with a vampire was to slam the car in to a ditch, rendering yourself unable to get away? May I suggest a better plan next time may be to save everyone some time and just open up your carotid yourself?

She was not injured, and since neither drugs nor alcohol were suspected she was not charged, according to the State Patrol.

And there we have the single most surprising section of the entire story.

The station reported today that she might not have taken some medicine the day of the incident. Her husband arrived soon after the wreck and took her home, KKCO reported.

Aaaaah, so less with the “The suspect had spent too much time with a straw in her nose” and more with the “The suspect kinda sorta forgot to take her ‘’Not Batshit Crazy’ pills this morning”.

The incident comes amid the hype surrounding the latest "Twilight" vampire-romance movie is set to be released today.

So it was a glittery vampire, then? Next time lady, run the fucking thing over.

Colorado has a number of vampire-related interest groups, including "vampire-friendly bars and clubs" in Denver and Colorado Springs, according to an Internet search.

Welcome to the portion of the story known as ‘The Copy Editor wants this sucker longer, so type vampire in to the Googles and see what pops up’.

OH! Look what I found!

Holy shit, the people in this are awesome! Is that Lindsay Lohan drunkenly rambling at around the 24 second mark? Yes, it would certainly be ‘cool’ if vampires were randomly attacking total strangers in the night. Also, it’s a good indication that your story isn’t being taken seriously if the report ends with the opinions of children.

Who knew that a piece of exhaust pipe hitting the front grill of a jeep could cause it to fly in to the air? Maybe physics just work differently in India. And just as he defeats a dude on a motorbike (by getting him to drive through a delivery truck), here comes what appears to be the entrants in this year’s Preakness, just a bit off course.

How does going balls first in to a power pole have a positive outcome, by the way?

He slides sideways under a flat bed truck ON A HORSE for fuck’s sake! Bike and horse cops tumble to the ground like acrobats who all missed the net. And Starsky & Hutch could only dream of needlessly shattering that much glass during a scene.

And only the best scenes end with undisturbed parked cars exploding for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Stupendous. I wish I knew the name of this movie, because it DEMANDS to be seen in full. OHO! I’ve found it…not too surprisingly, it’s called Chase. I’m obtaining this beauty now.

A Missouri man fatally shot his wife while using a gun to put holes in his wall to install a TV. The victim was standing outside in their lawn when the second bullet he fired struck in her in the chest.

A tragic accident? Bad things happen to good people? Perhaps they happen to DUMB people, I’d agree with that…seriously, dude didn’t realize that bullet MIGHT penetrate the drywall and aluminum of his house?!

And who cares that he didn’t know she was there…HE TRIED TO USE A HANDGUN TO INSTALL A TELEVISION. Can’t we charge him with Crimes Against Evolution or something?

Also, proving that I’m a horrible human being, I can’t stop laughing.

The mother of a 14-year-old boy accused of making bombs out of dry ice appeared in court Tuesday.

The woman, 39, is charged with possession of a destructive device and child abuse. She was arrested over the weekend and released on her own recognizance.

Police were called to a home near 137th Street and Z Circle on Saturday. Police found and detonated an ice bomb in a plastic bottle.

Assistant Douglas County Attorney Eric Wells said the boy admitted to making the bomb and that his mother knew he was doing so. The boy was set to appear Tuesday afternoon in juvenile court, accused of possessing a destructive device.

The quick recap for those who weren’t lucky enough to be there…

Kelly and Vlad head off from a party with a bottle of dry ice and some water to set off a reaction and make it pop. It doesn’t happen at once, so Vlad starts kicking it…and it blows up near him, rendering him essentially deaf for days and carving up his leg. And we all laugh.

My verdict? The two of you are collectively history’s greatest monster! So of course, people should listen to what two scurrilous bastards as yourselves have to say during, say, a podcast…

Know who isn’t amused? God.

Now THAT is an Old Testament God! The New Testament guy burned his NRA membership card and sold off the heavy assault weapons.

This post brought to you by beer and ‘Cliff being a bit bored’

Back in the day, speed was actually considered a good thing…it was a wonder drug that let you accomplish so much in a day. Everyone was marketing the shit, and that everyone most definitely included Disney. Witness the wonder as Mickey Mouse and Goofy discover the wonder drug known as Peppo.

Is anyone really surprised that damn mouse is juicing up to get THAT excited? Ten bucks says he’s a hopeless addict, and Minnie is his hostage/drug mule.

Anyway, from here we head off to the exotic land of Africa. And the Disney animators get to enjoy one of Walt’s favourite pastimes, good old fashioned racism. If you want to read the rest of Mickey’s thrilling adventures in to a village of shiftless Africans and a ridiculously over the top medicine man character, you can do so here.

Aaaah, Disney. Great family entertainment.

Well, it seems that Dale’s early ad boosted him from 5% to 28% in the vote for the job. He finished third in the race, so he’s out of the second election for the job. So he wants his supporters to vote for John McMillan. And if you help McMillian’s opponent (with all his big city connections and illegal contributions) take down McMillan’s election signs, Dale will blow your fucking head off.

And yes, I do wish I had Dale Peterson watching my back. Who wouldn’t? Never again would any person live in fear with Dale and his trusty Winchester as a one man posse against injustice.

I fucking love this dude…in that totally “Hey man, you’re cool.” kinda way Dale…you can lower the gun…just lower the gun…

Firstly, earlier in the week I won a Paradox Interactive contest on Twitter, getting me a copy of Lead & Gold. So, having taken up residence in the win zone (just off the corner of Awesome and Sweet) I was pumped when someone I know re-tweeted a contest to win an Alienware laptop. “How can I not enter? Clearly I’m golden today!” So I followed the link. There was a legitimate contest page, and I pressed that shiny ‘Enter Here’ button to be taken to…

We’re sorry, but we cannot accept contest entries from outside the United States. In a few moments, you will be directed to a similar contest.

DAMN YOU, TAX LAWS! DAMN YOU TO THE HELL THAT SPAWNED YOU! Oh well, maybe the replacement contest is something good. If it’s similar it has to be okay, right? After about 15 seconds of redirects, up comes the page…

So…either that is some expensive shampoo, or Canadian equivalents in the field of technology are still lagging far behind the rest of the developed world. Never has so much excitement been gutted like a fish in quite so fast a manner. It was like going to buy a lotto ticket, being told that they were out but the clerk has a similar alternative, then being handed the bloody bandage he just ripped off of his leg wound. And worst (or best, really) of all is that taunting little bastard at the top of the screen. Look at that prick! Tongue sticking out, flaunting his duck…screw you too, junior! At least I’m capable of walking and wiping my own ass!

Second of all, we have the greatest news story that I’ve seen since the tale of monkey prisons in India first came to my attention. Welcome to Bavaria, where the local youth have some…interesting hobbies. It’s a short story, so I’m going to quote it in all of it’s glorious entirety.

German student attacks Hell’s Angels with puppy

(Reuters) – A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.

German police said on Monday that after making his getaway from the Hell’s Angels club, the 26-year-old dumped the bulldozer, causing a 5 km (3 miles) traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, local police said. He then fled to his home nearby where he was apprehended by the police.

“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” said a spokesman for local police, adding that the student had lately been suffering from depression.

The puppy was now in safe hands, the spokesman added.

So, he did this because of the depression he was suffering from? Sounds like this beats Paxil hands down! I love how he just happened to find a throwable dog, then just happened to find a bulldozer that he could drive off in. No cars, not a bike…A BULLDOZER. The entire story is simply perfect…adding more to it would just be greedy.

What’s hilarious about it is how truly disturbing it actually is. Watson just manifests himself where ever you go, and then rotates on his axis as you move around…watching…judging. And yet as soon as you notice, he looks away. He’s like some sort of warlock or something. After seeing this video footage, I suspect that the reason Holmes never ‘solved’ the mystery of who Jack the Ripper was came down to his unwillingness to turn in Watson as the butcher of whores. Either that or Watson laced his opium with arsenic…

What truly makes this video of game footage shine, though…the music. They’ve added some of that ‘dramatic horror’ music to the footage. The first ‘HOLY SHIT THERE’S A MONSTER IN THE HOUSE RUN AWAY OH FUCK YOU CAN’T CAUSE YOU’RE DYING!’ orchestral burst at the 0:33-0:34 mark fits perfectly.