What I’m Playing

Cliff

 

middle-finger

Okay, not all of you deserve that. But some of you are complete and utter failures, and I hate the fact that you exist.

Let’s paint a little picture for everyone. I’m at Toys R Us, doing some Christmas shopping. Yes, I’ve started…I actually started a week ago. It beats the shit out of waiting until the last minute.

Okay, so I’m shopping for the nieces and nephew. Hey, Toys R Us is having a sale! PERFECT!

As I entered the doors, I didn’t yet realize the Hellish nightmare in to which I was striding.

Kids everywhere. Hey, I like kids, they tend to be fun. Lots of kids with the parents and grandparents as they do some shopping. Fine. Kids pointing out stuff they think looks cool. Fine. All good.

But it wasn’t all good. There was bad. Oh, was there bad…

There are no worse words to hear when in a toy store than a parent turning towards their children and saying “Okay guys, why don’t you go off and see what you can find?”

I get it. You’re wanting to buy the Christmas presents for the kids, and to do so the kids have to disappear. But here’s an idea…DON’T BRING THE KIDS TO THE FUCKING STORE! Your children have now been set loose in to a toy store, completely unsupervised. Do you have ANY IDEA the chaos they are unleashing? Of course not! You can’t be bothered, because you’re buying presents for your perfect little angels!

News flash : they aren’t perfect angels. They’re horrible little mongrels. Santa wouldn’t leave coal for these kids, he’d take a nice squat over their stockings and leave a steaming loaf of Christmas cheer for them to find in the morning.

YOU signed up to raise your kids…not me, not the other people in the store watching these beasts RIPPING OPEN PACKAGING and scattering toys around like corpses flying from an explosion, not the poor store employees making barely over minimum wage. PARENT YOUR FUCKING KIDS. This isn’t Lord of the Flies…if it were, I would deem these creatures to be Piggy and drop a rock upon them. I don’t care if you have to tether them to the cart with bungie cords, KEEP THEM IN YOUR VICINITY. Better yet, let’s just let someone else give it a try…the evidence of how your stewardship of them has gone is not exactly positive.

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Time for a rant!

I realize that I’ve generally been pretty effusive with my praise and positivity when discussing board games. Outside of a few games I mentioned during the blog challenge that were disappointing, things haven’t been bad at all. And that’s probably a little weird coming from me. Thanks to Battles of Westeros, I can now amend that with some anger and annoyance. Thanks, Fantasy Flight!

Battles of Westeros is part of the Commands & Colors family of games, a series of light tactical games that are pretty easy to pick up and play. They run the gamut from the Civil War (Battle Cry) to World War 2 (Memoir ‘44), Ancient Rome (Commands & Colors : Ancients) to a weird version of the Hundred Years War with knights and archers being joined by goblins and dwarves (Battlelore) all the way to the 19th Century (Commands & Colors : Napoleonics). Last weekend, I headed down to spend some time with my sister, brother in law # 1 (The original one, yo!), nieces and nephew. I stayed in Calgary the night before heading down there, basically to go to The Sentry Box on Friday and browse.

I knew I wanted one of the gamers from this series, and it came down to C&C Napoleonics and Battles of Westeros. I’ve become more interested in the era of European history when Napoleon was crushing everyone like rats, but I also really like the Song of Ice & Fire books and liked the concept of playing out tactical battles with major characters from the books leading armies of horsemen and foot soldiers.

I went with Westeros. I mean, Fantasy Flight Games (who are an enormous board game publisher) is known for really good stuff. I own quite a few of their games and have yet to be disappointed. Surely THAT wouldn’t change in a massive way, right? Certainly nothing will change that opinion at all, and this will be the least dramatic and interesting blog post ever created, right?

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Well, my fantasy football team is 3-5 and pretty much done (as usual, the team I chose to chronicle is the one whose season went down the shitter). Work continues to be a Hellish nightmare, as everyone panics and tries to change the way things are done without any sort of plan being put in place beforehand. Because massive sweeping change should always be enacted haphazardly and on the fly.

What the Hell to blog about?

How about another “Holy fuck…why is this person following me on Twitter?!” type post.

Last time, it was Nile Rodgers. This time, I’m looking through my followers and find, to my surprise, the official Twitter account of Jane’s Addiction. I’m also following them, but yet again they did so first. This puts me in the completely fucked up place of following a well known rock band because I feel obligated due to their apparent fascination with the stupid shit that I talk about.

That’s just ridiculous.

From right to left, this is the listing of their most recent follows :

Thievery Corporation’s official account, No Doubt’s official account, iTunes, Livestream, Steve Aoki (I briefly thought this was another nobody…turns out he’s a House DJ), Spotify, Motorhead’s official account, Bill Gates, Keith Olbermann…and me.

Okay, perhaps they have mistaken me for someone with my name who is actually famous. Google will solve this mystery!

I see a lot of me…a guy who is a member of the International Fruit Tree Association…and someone who apparently studied social work and social care at Newcastle University. So I’m going to say that’s a no on that front.

I guess I’m just a lot more awesome than even I previously realized.

Or the occasional famous person really likes geeky game chatter and gratuitous use of obscenities.

 

The run up to the 2012 Presidential Election is well under way in the States, and Republican hopeful Herman Cain just released a new ad that’s…well, it’s interesting.

 

He’s right, it truly IS the start of a campaign like nobody has ever seen. And I have questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Why did they seemingly let the gay doorman to their building choose their campaign theme? I’ll grant you it’s a bold move, but it seems like a sizable gamble.

Why was watching a man smoke a cigarette apparently considered such a compelling image that it gets more time than everything besides the candidate smirking? Also, why is the candidate smirking? A smirk does not exactly make one brim with confidence that ‘Yes, this is the man I wish to place in control of the nuclear launch codes’.

Why are they apparently trying to connect this campaign with the image of a dirty alleyway? Are they really shooting hard for that whore/junkie/homeless voting bloc?

Why use this sputtering, nervous, pasty guy as your spokesman? Surely there were C-list celebrities available. What’s Scott Baio up to? Is Wilford Brimley busy? But no, we’ll go with a guy who appears about as natural and calm in front of a camera than those perverts nailed on Dateline NBC ‘To Catch a Predator’ stings. And frankly, he wouldn’t look out of place being asked to take a seat by Chris Hansen. THAT’S an association you want.

Never have truer words been spoken in a campaign ad than “We need you to get involved…” Seriously, right now the campaign is just Herman, this guy, that plant he’s standing next to and a house cat. And the plant and house cat refuse to answer phones.

 

Last week resulted in a much needed win, with a solid 194.99 – 165.28 win. Instrumental in that win was Fred Jackson…who is on a bye week this week. What to do?!

Buffalo kicker Rian Lindell and the Cincinnati defense (that’s a long, but great, band name) are both also on a bye. So out goes Lindell and tight end Jermaine Greshem (also on a bye), and in come the Jacksonville D (the best of a sorry crop of rental units) and Adam Vinatieri of the Colts. The Colts suck, but he’s still nailing high point long range kicks.

My final move was dumping Ryan Torain, who appears to have been a one week wonder in the Washington backfield, for Detroit’s Maurice Morris. He’s now the starting running back for Detroit until Jahvid Best is back from a concussion, and the Lions tend to score some points.

On to the lineup! :

QB : Matty Ice faces those Detroit Lions. Not a great matchup for him from a ‘getting the living shit beaten out of him’ standpoint. A nice matchup for him from a ‘Detroit couldn’t cover a stationary object’ standpoint. So he needs to stay upright long enough to hit those big throws down the field. Cutler comes back in against a Tampa D that hasn’t met expectations thus far.

RB : It’s a whole new backfield this week, with the newcomer Morris and Shonn Greene stepping in for Jackson and the departed Torain. Yes, I did make the last minute switch to Torain last week…he did nothing. Greene is coming off the bench in New York this week, though he’s still apparently getting most of the carries. Doesn’t make any sense, but maybe it will motivate the kid.

WR : Branch is also on a bye this week. Santana Moss comes off the bench for him, facing a Carolina defense that really just isn’t very good. Dez Bryant should run wild over a Rams secondary that wasn’t that great before losing both starting corners to injuries. And maybe Roddy will finally put up some stats against the Lions.

W/T : Guess what? Rob Gronkowski (now known as The Polish Express) is on a bye. Shocking, I know! The Visor moves to this spot.

W/R : Marques Colston should be able to utterly dominate the Colts little defensive backs.

Q/W/R/T : And here comes Daniel Thomas, DEFINITELY playing this week against the Broncos. Denver doesn’t stop the run well, and Daniel should get a fair number of opportunities to run people over.

K : I don’t expect much from the Colts, but hopefully they can get Vinatieri a few long field goal tries. Dan Bailey should have a busy day as the Cowboys face the craptastic St. Louis Rams.

DEF : Washington might give up some yards to the Panthers, but I think they can keep the scoring down. I have almost no expectations for the Jags defense, but maybe they can get to Joe Flacco…everyone else has.

My opponent is the 4-2 Kelly’s Zeros. Yahoo has him favoured by 20, but I think (and hope, obviously) it will be a lot closer than that. Horde needs win badly!

 

Thanks to Shaun for pointing this one out.

What’s this one? The ultimate (and possible only) full FPS simulator, cooked up by The Gadget Show.

And by FPS, I mean First Person Shooter.

And if you don’t know that or what that is…uhhh…you may be at the wrong site. I believe the blog you were looking for is over there some place. Maybe try Googling ‘boring ass stuff’. Actually, don’t. I do not recommend EVER typing a word like ‘ass’ in to Google.

This thing is ridiculous. A 4 meter by 9 meter video dome that surrounds the player, created by 5 HD projectors. A 360 degree treadmill system is how you move yourself in the game. Ten infra-red motion trackers and a sensor on the gun you actually wield control your aim and viewpoint. Crouch or jump and the hacked Kinect system will transmit that to you in game. Pull the trigger on the gun and you fire in the game. An ambient lighting system and surround sound helps complete the package.

Oh, and get if you happen to get hit in the game, one of 12 paintball gun turrets will blast a round in to your sorry ass. Or your sorry leg. Or your sorry face.

Go ahead and watch it, if for no other reason than the fact that a British person cursing while being shot by paintballs is really, really funny.

 

Battlefield 3 comes out next week. The pre-load from Gamersgate opens up in…2 hours for those degenerates who pre-ordered it (like me). The Beta was awesome, even without that system (which would run you a cool $650,000, by the way). And as much as I’d like it, do I REALLY need technology that will encourage me to curse out digitized characters more than I already do? Probably not. It already happens a lot. In any game. Honestly, if I’m not calling some AI controlled soldier a fucking prick, I’m shouting down ‘that punk ass bitch’ Castille for daring to invade my territory in Europa Universalis.

Also, it’s bad enough having to deal with the fact that you got shot by XXXTehEVAL14. Do I really need to feel actual pain when he blasts me with all the mad skillz he has built up through many moons of not working, going to school, or doing anything more than play the game? Not so much. I’d rather just repeatedly snipe him from distance and send him in to an F-bomb dropping froth while I laugh from the shadows.

Pretty sweet rig, though.

 

Oof. To say last week was abysmal would be an understatement. To call a 212.98 – 104.5 loss a beat down of epic proportions would be an understatement. He had more guys on his roster score more than 20 than I had guys score more than 9. I had 2 guys finish in the negative range. And those 2 big zeros at the bottom of the roster didn’t help, either. Absolutely fucking horrible.

Enough of such things! I face the equally 2-3 YikesdaVikes this week. I have many players coming off a Bye. I made some big moves. Time to kick ass.

The only bye week guy I have this week is VJax, so I’ll need to slot someone else in to that WR position. I used my brain and looked ahead to Week 7, and have a number of guys on byes INCLUDING a kicker and a defense. That means 2 of my 3 transactions next week will have to be spent at K and Def.

I had initially made a waiver bid on Denver’s Willis McGahee to beef up the running back position. No waiver bid had been higher this season than $50, so I figured my $62 would win. Not so much when someone else puts up $71. So I ‘settled’ for Miami’s Daniel Thomas, dumping Ryan Grant in the process. Thomas has a bit of a hamstring issue, but he’s a legit #1 running back. He’s also playing this week, something McGahee isn’t doing. Second, I dropped Kyle Orton at QB, as he has been benched in favour of a glorified running back who panics in the pocket, but the retard fans wanted him in there. In comes the Colts’ Curtis Painter. Indy is awful. Painter has actually been respectable, though. And he has good players to throw to. Finally, I was becoming concerned that my offense was so Patriot-centric with Gronkowski, Hernandez AND Branch. Sure, having all 3 should give me at least 1 great performer each week, but it also means 2 others guys are playing who don’t do so well. So I dumped Hernandez, who didn’t look right at all last week after coming back early from a knee injury, for Cincinnati’s Jermaine Gresham. The Bengals offense has been surprisingly solid, and Gresham is putting up nice numbers at the TE position.

With all that being said, let’s see the line up :

QB : Welcome to the team, Curtis Painter. Cincy has played good D this year, but Painter has a nice rapport going with his receivers. I think his expected solid day will beat what Jay Cutler is likely to put up while the Minnesota defensive line smashes him in to pulp. And of course, Matty Ice remains in against Carolina. I haven’t been overly impressed by the Panther defense. And since Carolina likes to throw the ball, and Atlanta’s pass D hasn’t been great either, I suspect Matty gets to pass A LOT to keep his team in the game.

RB – Welcome to the team, Daniel Thomas. He’s probable to play against a Jets defense that has not exactly been its usual run stuffing self. Miami is 0-4, but I don’t see the Jets lighting them up and forcing Miami to pass. Now, IF it is announced tomorrow morning that Washington’s starting running back will be Ryan Torain, it is very possible that he will replace Thomas on the active roster for me. In the other spot, Freddy Jackson. The Giants haven’t looked good on D, so Fred should be his usual awesome self.

WR – Roddy is still in there, and he should benefit from both the extra passing I expect to see from his offense, AND the extra targets he should get with fellow starter Julio Jones out of the line up this week. Branch finally had a decent game last week, and he remains in as the Pats face a Dallas team that can’t stop the pass. Finally, we’ve got Dez Bryant of that Cowboys team stepping in for VJax. The Cowboys are going to have to throw to keep up with the Patriots.

W/T – Mr. Gronkowski remains here. Knowing my luck, Aaron Hernandez will catch all of the passes at the TE position for New England this week.

W/R – Hello, Marques Colston. He’s finally 100% healthy, and a 100% healthy Marques Colston can be a very dangerous thing…particularly when his team is facing a Tampa Bay defense that allowed 48 points to the 49’ers last week.

Q/R/W/T – The Visor remains planted here, as the Rams don’t offer much in the way of anything for pass coverage against him.

K – Welcome back, Dan Bailey! He should get opportunities against New England, while Rian Lindell should be quite active against the Giants.

DEF – Welcome back, Washington! Just in time to have the Skins beat up on a Philly offensive line now down to a 3rd string left tackle and a scrub fill in on the right side. Cincy should get some sacks and the like against the Colts.

I have tried to spy an area to slide Gresham in to, but it isn’t presenting itself this week. Shonn Greene was actually pretty decent last week, but the Miami D still stops the run well.

I’m currently a 2 point underdog, which essentially means Yahoo sees it as neck and neck right now. But the Vikes receiving corps all have tough matchups this week, Romo and Grossman are boom or bust  passers, and they have to rely on Peyton Hillis doing something off of the bench.

With a D, a Kicker, Fred Jackson, Gresham, Gronkowski and Branch on Bye next week, this is a critical game.

 

Week 4 was a positive, as the Horde pulled off a 193.78 – 170.08 win to even our record at 2-2. This week sees us face the 1-3 Drunken Armadillos, the only team beneath me in the standings. It also sees me face my own enormous cluster fuck of a mistake in roster building…but more on that later.

This is also the first week of NFL byes, which means a bunch of teams are off this week. This is related to my screw up. I did make a move during the week, unloading Houston’s Ben Tate (who hurt his hamstring, and who also has ceded the starting job back to Arian Foster) for Washington’s Ryan Torain, who seems to have taken a bigger role in their rushing attack. But Torain is unavailable.

QB – Matty Ice goes again, and with Green Bay missing a few defenders he might be able to do some things. Cutler is on the bench and in comes Kyle Orton and his neck beard, who should put up some yards on San Diego’s thus far underachieving defense.

RB – Shonn Greene has been an enormous fucking flop thus far. New England’s run defense has struggled, and Greene’s enormous fucking head coach (Rex Ryan) has talked about wanting to get back to pounding the rock and handing Greene the ball. Here’s hoping it happens. Luckily, Fred Jackson has been a goddamn tank, and Philly’s run defense has been a mess of poor tackling, bad reads, and general crapping of the bed.

WR – Vincent Jackson is back against Denver, who get back their number one cornerback from injury this week…that might not be good. Deion Branch has 1 catch for 4 yards and a TD over the past two weeks combined. But being covered by Antonio Cromartie might be the remedy for that. Roddy White might be able to rack up some quick strike catches against Green Bay.

W/T – Hey there, Gronkowski! Please be a dear and eviscerate the Jets defense for me.

W/R – Welcome back, Ryan Grant! I’m hoping he at least splits the workload against an Atlanta team that almost let SEATTLE come back and beat them by giving up 28 points. TO SEATTLE. That’s like the modern US military losing a firefight to rocks.

Q/W/R/T – The Visor remains in the line up here. And since the majority of Falcon defensive backs are pretty much garbage, he should do okay.

K – Begin the shit show! Okay, I had to swap out Baltimore’s Billy Cundiff for Buffalo’s Rian Lindell, because Baltimore is on a bye week. Remember my picking up Dan Bailey of Dallas? Yeah, turns out Dallas is ALSO on a bye this week. Bye weeks used to be organized by divisions. Now they’re scattered all over the goddamn place. Anyway, I can only do 3 moves a week. One of those was spent swapping Cundiff, one on the Torain pickup, and…

D – …the other on exchanging the Cleveland defense for that of Cincinnati. Yeah, that Cleveland defense I got last week. To avoid both of my D’s having a bye the same week. Only they do, because Washington is off this week. This is a colossal clusterfuck, and because of it I’m stuck with absolute nothingness in one D slot and one kicker spot. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

It’s a reminder lesson that one must ALWAYS keep the bye week in mind…ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

Fuck.

 

Thanks to Chad for pointing out a video that showed a clip of this. Because this…this is almost indescribably awesome. Almost.

This is 3 Dev Adam. It’s one of those ridiculously weird Turkish movies. It features a bizarre version of Spiderman…as the VILLAIN. Yes, the villain. Apparently, Spidey’s radioactive spider bite turned him pure goddamn evil. Bad to the point of attacking a woman buried in the sand with a boat motor (yes, really). Bad to the point of attacking some other woman in the shower. Bad to the point of torturing a man…with guinea pigs.

Yes, guinea pigs. They just love the taste of eye meat, doncha know!

Luckily, a Mexican luchadore named Santos is available to fight him, along with Capt. America. But Spiderman has a sword and stuff, and Cap seems to have lost his shield (probably pawned it for a bit of Turkish green). But Santos and Cap can pick up the back end of cars and stuff, and that might count for something. Maybe.

What’s that, you think I’m lying? First off, fuck you. NEVER doubt me when it comes to ridiculous movies! Secondly, let me prove it :

 

And you know what, Spiderman might be evil, but from the amount of devilish cackling he’s spouting out here we can tell that he clearly appreciates and enjoys his new line of work. Good for him for finding the job that will make him happy.

Oh, and I am of course downloading this movie as I type. I believe that I’ve also found an English subtitles file, but that seems a minor concern when faced with a cinematic tour de force such as this.

 

That’s either the name of a hipster Country & Western duo, or the title of some sort of animated series on Nickelodeon.

Or it’s the title of this blog post!

A tiny window in to what may be the slightest bit of promise : I actually received some emails this week from SAP tech support. I’d already solved all of the issues myself, but I noticed that the people sending each of them (and it was a different person each time) had ‘Tech Support Trainee’ as their title. Nice to see the company FINALLY seeming to realize that more support people is a good idea. Would have been a lot nicer for them to figure that shit out before this mess even started, but I’ll take what’s there.

Also this week, I’ve been slowly realizing that a lot of crap gets done locally that makes no sense. I was actually so focused on the absolute clusterfuck that was the SAP launch that I guess I’ve been looking past all of this stuff previously, but there are some really bad ways of doing things being followed at the local level. And it all seems to emanate from the production shop.

I have never in my life seen a facility that so consistently waits until the last possible second before setting things up for a job. Never.

Last week, a piece of steel plate was needed for a field job. One single piece was rush ordered from a company in Red Deer, rush shipped here, then sent via hot shot to the job site. Now, this was an emergency buy, but here’s a thought : we often use steel plate in the shop…why not order a few more sheets to cover the insane cost? Yet that NEVER happens here. Not just under these circumstances…NEVER.

Also last week, a treater build job came up. It isn’t like this was out of the blue…it was known about for some time. When were the parts ordered? The day before it was due to begin. Two skids worth of flanges, bolts, nuts, studs, pipe, I-beams, and so on. The day before. Had to stay late to get it received. Some of it was back ordered until the next day because CE Franklin had to get it from THEIR suppliers. Had it been ordered in advance, that wouldn’t have happened because they would have had lead time to get it in to their facility. It also would have cost less to get because it wouldn’t have been a rush.

We CONSTANTLY do things this way. Pieces are ordered for jobs RIGHTNOW on a rush basis, then shipped on a rush basis. It makes absolutely no financial sense. It makes absolutely no sense from a supply standpoint. It makes absolutely no sense from a shipping/receiving standpoint. It often leads to the welders sitting around for hours waiting for shit to show up. We frequently have to deal with paperwork screw ups from Franklin or other suppliers, screw ups that largely seem to happen due to everything being an emergency crush.

This makes no goddamn sense. This seems to be the old Natco way of doing shit, and I find myself hoping that someone at Cameron corporate looks at this nonsense and asks why it’s being done this way. Hello, project managers…perhaps try MANAGING your PROJECTS. I strongly want someone to be choked.

And then there’s the insane degree to which these people have to be chased down. News flash : to ship something somewhere, I NEED A FUCKING ADDRESS. That aforementioned piece of plate? Yeah, it had to be shipped…somewhere. There were 3 maps attached to the request email that were all of different locations, and with no context of where they actually were.

We asked for more.

And we got an LSD field address. With no mention of what town it was near. This means nothing.

We sent emails.

No replies.

We tried to call.

No answer. Left messages.

This was something that was supposedly a DIRE EMERGENCY THAT HAS TO GO OUT!?

Finally…FINALLY this guy replies. He finally mentions where this fucking site is (we didn’t even previously know that it was in SASKATCHEWAN) and how he wanted it shipped. It took half a damn day to get THAT.

For fuck’s sake.

Next time on ‘work chat’, I’ll talk about some of the weird shit we ship out to people for exorbitant amounts of money! Less ranting, more mockery!

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