Peer Pressure Works!

GodDAMN is that a lot of little quoteys in one title…

Anyway, YEAH. So, when Brad and Kathy and I started the little site up, we figured that getting to talk to industry type people would be pretty cool. Then we sobered up and re-entered reality.

Zounds! It done happened!

A quick interview with Theo Bergquist, CEO of digital retailer Gamersgate (to whom I have sent a fair chunk of change over the years), is complete. I’m not going to just repeat the whole thing here…though that would make for some pretty epic content poaching…but you can find it on The DRM News.

Part 1

Part 2

Kind of an interesting online test they have on their recruiting website. I will warn you, this motherfucker is rather Flash intensive, so it sometimes takes awhile to load up.

http://team.forsvarsmakten.se/english/#

Basically, it’s to test team building. There are four of you, each with a different color in a corner of the game screen. You will be given puzzles to solve…memorization, quick problem solving, matching, that sort of thing. The more you get right, the more ‘life’ is added to the person NEXT to you. Get them wrong, and they get less life. You are completely reliant on the person before you to ‘stay alive’. And once one goes, everyone else is basically fucked.

Kind of fun. Plus, you get to curse out some fuckwit in Bremen who can’t move a circle through a screen without heading a square and thus killing you. The best I’ve managed was 2 minutes 41 seconds as part of Team BM3KX7B or something like that. We kicked some ass! Of course, we were half Canadian, so what would you expect?

Ah blog, I haven’t forgotten you. Just because I’ve spent so much time lately with the other one doesn’t mean I love you any less…and not just because you’re the place that I can freely litter with F-bombs.

So yes, weird girly shit. Many of you privileged enough to be a part of my Google Reader/Buzz circle no doubt noticed the wonder of Vajazzling. What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s pretty simple…combine Bedazzler with vagina…ta-dah!

“Wow, that sounds ridiculous!” you are no doubt thinking. Oh, if you AREN’T thinking that, I wish for the world to do to you what Quinton Jackson does to Ricardo Arona here…

So, is this real? Yes. Yes it is. She got vajazzled. There are pictures. Like this one.

What the fuck? Ladies, seriously…SERIOUSLY?! Who is this for? The last thing I want to feel when reaching down the front of some girl’s pants ARE BUMPS OF ANY KIND. Doesn’t tend to set the mood, unless the mood you’re shooting for is “Holy shit, I gots to disinfect my hand!” So is it for you, then? What do you get out of it? “When the light hits my vulva just right, it acts like a vaginal prism.” Is that a goal to shoot for? (continue reading…)

They’ve always been useless. they always will be useless. You know the type…so fiercely loyal to their particular band or brand or whatever else they’re leeching a reason to exist from that they can’t see straight. Most often they’re associated with video games.

I want to kill them. All of them. Messily. Perhaps with a lawnmower, Dead Alive style.

Oh, did I forget to mention that the preceding video is violent? Too bad. If you see a video after a line talking about killing with a lawnmower, Dead Alive style and are then surprised the video to follow is violent, fuck you too.

Oh, and incidentally, the actual scene in the movie goes on for so long that it manages to become quite boring. Really.

Anyway, yeah, fanboi types, lawnmower, fleshy squishy crunching noises and their death. Sounds like a good fucking evening of fun to me.

Now, they’ve always been around…what’s brought them out of the woodwork lately? Why the good folks at Ubisoft and their latest DRM plan that requires a permanent Internet connection 100% of the time when playing any of their upcoming games. Lose your connection? Too bad for you. Servers down? Too bad for you. It’s truly ASTOUNDING that an idea this bad originated in Quebec.

Yes, it sucks. That isn’t enough for PC fanboi types, though. No, these irrational jagoffs, constructed from the contents of hospital colostomy bags no doubt, are comparing this to rape. Yes indeed, rape. Brutal and unwanted sexual assault (…was the use of ‘unwanted’ really necessary in that sentence?) compares dead even to requiring constant server access to play a game. If you have ever honestly made this comparison, may you be ravaged by the entire populace of Lompoc penitentiary.

Then we have this exchange with a fellow forum user on Good Old Games. First is me, agreeing with the guy above (I would quote him but he just says the same thing and takes longer…and he isn’t me. Let him glorify himself on his own blog, goddammit!) :

Exactly. You want to send a message? Don’t buy it. Let’s just stop acting like computer games are some intrinsic right, or necessary to enjoyment of life.

And the response :

Oh, but they are. Entertaintment is an intrinsic right. Just like broadband internet access. They recognized that over in Finland.

Drink that genius in. Shit, we’re gonna need FEMA to run over to this poor motherfucker’s house and hook his ass up with some DRM-free Assassin’s Creed II, STAT!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Entertainment is an intrinsic right…right up their with Freedom of Speech and, you know, access to water?! If this is the sort of drivel that will regularly be flowing from it, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. NEVER open it again. EVER. Under any circumstances. Have a cold and your nose is stuffed up? Suffocate. Good fucking riddance.

Can we PLEASE stop with the ridiculous fucking comparisons and bleating bullshit about ‘our plight’? And if we can’t get these rejected shit samples to just shut the fuck up, can we perhaps start sacrificing them to Tilikum, the serial killing whale?

You don’t like the new system? Don’t buy it. Play something else. Just stop whining like a spineless fairy about how your ‘rights’ have been exploited you fucking stain. The world should issue rewards for worthless shit like this being stomped from the gene pool.

Oh those Americans…always obsessing with themselves and blathering on nonstop about how awesome they are at everything. At least, that seems to be the Canadian definition of what makes an American.

And yet, what do I see? An inundation of CANADA AWSUM! crap. All that I see is Canadian hypocrites whining about US nationalism and self obsession…then engaging in the exact same behaviour towards this country. We criticize them for their supposed faults, then engage in those same behaviours to describe in detail how we’re better…uhhh, pot? Have you met kettle?

Making it worse…the Olympics. How many times have we all seen and heard and read critiques of US Olympic coverage as only covering US athletes? Yet, I see CTV and its sister stations doing THE EXACT SAME THING with regards to Canadian athletes right now. Oh, but that’s okay because we’re somehow magically exempt from the rules against fervent nationalism?!

SHUT…THE…FUCK…UP. If you aren’t willing to follow the same rules you’re throwing down on others, shut your fucking mouth.

Oh, and on the Olympic issue itself…do you ever follow amateur athletics during non Olympic years? How many Canadian Olympic competitors could you have named before the games started? Yeah, that’s what I thought…stop claiming you support amateur athletics if the only time you give a fuck is during an Olympic year. Shut up.

This message brought to you by the Cliff Society of Thinking the Olympics are Pretty Much Bullshit.

As many of you know, I’m cynical about the Olympics as a whole. I see a massive cash grab somewhat disguised in fake nationalism and pride. The whole exercise tends towards being a farce. Despite all of that, I found myself watching the Opening Ceremonies tonight…my sister Pam and newest niece Lillian are visiting, and they were there, so I was FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCE! Yeah, that’s it!

The Good

-Is it just me or are there a really high number of smokin’ hot female athletes? Goddamn!

-The respect shown to the members of the Georgian team after their teammate was killed during a training run earlier in the day. Very nice to see. Even a bastard like me thought that was great.

-The entire section that was a salute to a lot of native mythology and beliefs was fantastic, with some pretty neat lighting effects.

-Who the Hell knew that fiddlers and tap dancers could be that fucking cool?! Seriously, who the fuck knew?! Never would I have thought that people playing fiddles and tap dancing could be described as anything close to bad ass, but they fit the bill.

-The ‘who will light the final flame?’ question coming down to 5 people as a group was a nice touch.

-I cannot stand K.D. Lang. She did a great version of Hallelujah, though, so my hat’s off to her.

(continue reading…)

That is, of course, unless you don’t trust the judgment of the Waupun Correctional Facility in Wisconsin! And I know I sure do, as any other law abiding citizen certainly would!

It seems that a guy named Kevin Singer, serving a sentence for First Degree Intentional Homicide, got ahold of some D&D gear. Crazy motherfucker even wrote up his own SCENARIO for it…can you IMAGINE?!

Actually…back up a second. First Degree…Intentional…Homicide? First Degree murder is pre-meditated murder, as in “Hey, let’s come up with a detailed plan to kill my cheating whore of a wife.” Do they really have to add the ‘Intentional’ part? Or is it somehow possible to accidentally plan the murder of someone, then follow through completely unintentionally?

“Holy shit, Gus, now that we’ve executed that bastard of a boss in the way that we planned out in detail, I realize this wasn’t actually supposed to happen!”

“Ha! The wackiness!”

“I totally call a mulligan on this extermination of human life.”

Anyway, back to the story at hand…

This fiend named Kevin Singer had started up a little D&D CULT, and they were playing their little games and such. And I think that we all know what THAT entailed : (continue reading…)

Who’s Scott Feschuk? A funny bastard who writes for Maclean’s (Who knew, right?). Every week he answers reader questions in the weekly mailbag : here’s the one written Feb. 3rd. He also writes other entertainment type stuff which tends to be funny. He also keeps up a regular Twitter feed VoiceinPMsHead. Imagine Steven Harper sharing every single imperious thought to enter his head…now make that funny. A couple of examples from yesterday about Jack Layton’s mystery announcement (which turned out to be that he has cancer…poor bastard elf) :

Talking point: Jack Layton’s decision to [whatever he's deciding] once again shows his lack of support for our troops.

 

Then he’s showing TOO MUCH support for our troops. Back off, G.I. Jack. RT @willmurray89: what if announcement is he’s joining the army?

Anyway, his Super Bowl live blog can be found here. I’m also just going to quote the damn thing in its entirety after the break here, because it’s fucking gold…and because that will let me boost my content.

(continue reading…)

Posting before there are pictures of the team celebrating with the Lombardi Trophy? Improvise! Is that chick in front armed???

So, the Saints win, 31-17. This means I must face the depressing reality that I am worse at picking Super Bowl winners than EA’s Madden football. I think perhaps I’ll have some scotch…

Solid game overall. Not the best one that I’ve seen (that would be Denver beating Green Bay 31-24 at the end of ‘97-‘98), but certainly better than most.

Drew Brees is the obvious pick for game MVP. Just a ridiculous game from him. And hey, Reggie Bush decided not to be useless! Does this mean he now has to propose to Kim Kardashian? That’s incentive? Really? Dude, there are plenty of attention whore skanks in the sea. Maybe Brees can step up in the clutch and somehow pass his buddy’s way out of harm’s way. I personally contend that Reggie was running hard with the intention of heading out the tunnel…out the stadium…out the town…out the country…

Also, an onside kick to start the second half? Sean Payton’s rather smug look at times is now explained, as he’s hiding about 15 pounds of brass balls in his pants.

Attention, Pierre Garcon…typically, you don’t signal your quarterback that you’re open in the end zone UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

Attention NFL…I am a fan of The Who. I think Roger Daltrey is one of the greatest vocalists in rock history. Sitting there listening to that guy barely croak his way through their songs kind of made me want to cut my wrists…well, your wrists, actually. It was depressing. Can we please stop the goddamn over the hill tour through half time to avoid the off chance of maybe giving 63 overweight fundamentalists in Kentucky a conniption if “one o’ them coloreds” bares a tit again? That’d be great, thanks.

Congratulations Saints, and congratulations New Orleans. Oh, and enjoy the ‘Indianapolis Colts – Super Bowl 44 Champions!’ attire, people of Haiti!

Ahhhh shit, it’s that time again.

New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts

Now that the Saints, who took 21 years to even have a winning season, have made a Super Bowl, the number of teams who haven’t is down to four. And considering three of those teams have less than 20 years of existence to look back at (Jacksonville, Cleveland redux and Houston), it really elevates the crapulence of the Detroit Lions organization.

The game occurs in a dome in Florida, so neither team really gains a decisive advantage since both the Saints and Colts play their home games in a dome.

Here’s what this comes down to : Can the blitz packages of the Saints get pressure on Peyton Manning? Peyton seems to have a freaky sixth sense about these things. He’s the master of changing up blocking assignments to pick up bandits. And if those guys don’t get to him, you just guaranteed him man to man coverage on at least one of the seemingly 316 quality receivers he has to throw to. I don’t think the Saints blitz is going to work this time around, and I think one of the Indy backs is going to surprise by putting up about 90-100 yards rushing and a TD with a lot of audibles in to draw plays to burn heavy rush packages.

On the flip side, Drew Brees and his flying circus takes on Indy’s defence, a D whose best pass rusher is going to play with torn ankle ligaments. The thing is, Indy doesn’t blitz, and I think Mathis and Brock can still put heat on Drew Brees. Things might look a little differently if I had any reason to believe that Reggie Bush would actually play well. I don’t. Pierre Thomas will gouge the Colts on the ground, but if/when Peyton starts throwing down the field drive after drive, New Orleans is going to have to stop running and play chuck and duck to keep up.

In the end, I have the Colts winning their second title of this era by a score of 31-21.