Prepare for…no rant at all.
No, really. Hope you had a good one. Because continuing to scream “Bullshit!” is just as obnoxious as the ever present advertising for the made up ‘holiday’.
What did I do? Went and saw Die Hard. That theater was a goddamn sausage party. A conglomeration of single dudes watching John McClane blow stuff the fuck up. It wasn’t bad, BUT SPOILER : He doesn’t say “Yippy kai yay, motherfucker.” What the Hell is that about? Oh, and half the people in the credits are Russian, and Kelly and I counted seven dudes named Zoltan in there. SEVEN. That’s pretty damn impressive.
So then it was off to the Southside Denny’s, because after watching things explode I need to get my 2nd breakfast on. It began on a surreal note as the waiter tried to convince Kelly that he NEEDED seasoned fries.
“Seriously man, you need to try them…they will change your life.”
I shit you not, those were his words. The disappointment was palpable when Kelly decided to be a little bitch and go with standard, dull fries.
And then, they arrived. He was kind of a weird looking dude. She was not hard on the eyes…but turned out to be nearly toxic to the mind of anyone hearing her bewildering comments. And you couldn’t help but hear her. Deaf people in Peru were within earshot of this woman. If there is a news story tomorrow about some guy dying from a sudden and inexplicable brain haemorrhage on the North side of the city, I blame this chick and her words.
I first took notice of her showing an inordinate amount of interest in the piercings of the waiter. A LOT of interest. I don’t think it’s a good sign when your date starts asking question after question about the shit sticking out of some other dude’s face. This was hilariously followed by the waiter asking how she wanted her eggs. She had ordered Eggs Benedict. How in the fuck do you think she wants them, scrambled? This waiter was an absolute champ.
Soon, she had Kelly and I looking at each other with a half hour long case of broken brain face. It was almost inspiring. I believe it began with her wondering out loud “How do they get the Oreo in the milkshake? That’s crazy!” Yes, really. Truly one of the great mysteries of our time.
“I can’t believe you pushed your mom down the stairs!”
“That guy walks like a total retard, but it doesn’t seem like he’s crippled or anything.”
She was like the audio version of a car wreck you’re driving past…you couldn’t help but listen. Could it get weirder? Dumber? Stranger? Next she started talking about a goat for no apparent reason. Then it was off to a somewhat mumbled conversation about his 5 year old son. The three sentences that she blared out should never, ever be in as close proximity to one another as they were here. There should be restraining orders forcing these phrases to be at least ten minutes apart at all times.
“Do that funny pedophile face again!”
“Yeah, I totally think your son is gay.” DUDE DIDN’T EVEN REACT. How does someone just come out of nowhere with that and you don’t at least ask “What the fuck?”
“I can’t believe you’ve been touching your wiener this whole time!”
At this point, I was left alone at the table for a few minutes while Kelly hit the bathroom. An ambulance drove in to the parking lot of the hotel next door…then out again…and in to the Denny’s lot…and out again…and in to the lot on the other side…We saw the same ambulance STILL driving around with lights flashing with one dude looking at a map about twenty minutes later when I drove Harll home. Not at all disconcerting.
But the weirdness did not cease!
“Why do you want to hit me in a church?”
“I can’t believe that she pinched me! I wanted to punch her in her square old lady tit!”
There was also something more about the goat, and how she called it her ‘neph’ because that’s what you call a goat when you’re it’s aunt. Don’t ask me to explain it because I can’t. This went further in to a horrendously bad play on words that Liam will no doubt enjoy, as she started saying “nephew” a whole bunch, but then changing the pronunciation and turned it in to “We can’t feed you because we have neh-foo.” As in ‘no food’. In Soviet Russia, pun make you!
“I totally feel like a Rastafarian.”
“Yeah, I’m always telling people to ‘Get that out of my womb hole!’”
Now, to get the full effect you need to mix in the laugh that rumbled forth from this woman, seeking ear holes like tentacles in Japanese cartoons. It was like a sound of screeching mockery spat forth from the ass crack of Satan himself. Half cackle of the Wicked Witch of the West, one quarter wheezing rasp of a choking victim and the other quarter one of those horrible cries for help that rabbits make when they think they’re about to die. That goddamn noise is going to haunt my dreams…
…as will the image of her cutting in to her Eggs Benedict. It was actually frightening to witness. She showed all the grace and subtlety of a First World War trench surgeon hacking off a gangrenous limb. She was going full Psycho on these things like a deranged maniac with a hacksaw and an axe to grind. Even the waiter noticed and came to see if they were cooked okay, at which point she explained :
“No, I just take out my aggression on eggs. And chicken. I really hate chickens.”
I think dude is probably being stabbed to death as I type this. Seriously, I REALLY hope she is a freak in all the good ways when he gets her home, because that chick is NUTS. He best be getting something out of it before she crushes his wind pipe just to watch him choke and die.
There was another bit about him making a hole in his pancakes, and then her having to repeatedly fill it with syrup because “It’s a really absorbent hole.” I believe that it may have been at this point that I actually had to reach in to my pocket and jab my keys in to my leg to keep from laughing. When she came back from her trip to the bathroom (And if her pupils had been any more dilated, her eyes would have exploded. I don’t know what she was on, but it was something good.) she expressed disappointment at the fact that he ate the hole. Hilarious double entendre aside, I don’t even understand how that’s possible. How does one eat a gap in something? Can you consume nothingness?
There was more after that, but two idiots sat down and actually managed to drown her out with an insanely boring blathering load of nothing about pennies and Obama. It might actually have been the single least interesting anecdote of all time, but they sure found it funny. And fuck those guys, because now I’ll never know if the guy’s mom is okay…or whatever became of that goat…
UPDATE : I can’t believe I had forgotten this bit! At one point, she stated “Fuck Freddie Mercury.” The guy asked why, and she responded “For dying. And now Adam Lambert is fronting Queen. At least, that’s what somebody told me, and (And this is a quote) I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY INVESTIGATE THAT CLAIM MYSELF.” Not exactly a shocker. Actually, THIS was the moment when I practically stabbed myself with my keys to keep from exploding in to laughter.