Another Super Bowl (a damn good one, actually), another set of ads. Some were good. Some were reprehensible. Let’s recap.

If you don’t get that picture reference, you need to watch some more Westerns

Oh, the bad. The awful, awful bad.

-Doritos did a whole series where voters could pick their winners before the game. These shows were hosted by Ali Landry. Remember her? She was the total smokeshow who was ‘The Doritos Girl’ 15 years back. She has sadly had work done since then. Her face no longer moves. Her cheekbones are weirdly protruding. It isn’t Meg Ryan fright mask scary, but it’s heading down that road. Every time she appeared on screen to intro the next entry, all that I could think was “What the fuck did you do to your face?”

Anyway, the two finalists will appear later in this post. One of the semi finalists belongs right here, though.

The usual nonsense with guy ignoring hot girlfriend for Super Bowl aside, all that I could think about from the 17 second mark on was : Is there a less sexy food than a pile of chips? Great, he jumps on and now there are sharp little chip bits everywhere…nothing says “Let’s get naked!” like jagged chunks of chip! I don’t think a woman now reeking of nacho cheese is likely to be much of a turn on. And lastly, that Doritos dust is going to be getting in to places where it should never be.

-If your entire campaign revolves around “See our ad that was TOO HOT for the SUPER BOWL NETWORK!”, go fuck yourself. Screw you, screw your company, screw your product. It’s such a tired and played out load of crap. I’m not even going to single anyone out here because they don’t deserve any more attention.

-The ‘Kate Upton washes a Mercedes’ ad. She is such a horrendously bad performer that she can’t even convince me that she’s an attractive woman hanging around while some guys wash a car. And she actually IS an attractive woman hanging around while some guys wash a car! And what a stunning and original concept : a hot girl in a car commercial! UNPRECEDENTED!

Finally, I’m a leg and ass guy. Kate Upton isn’t bringing much to the party in those two categories. I’m honest enough to admit that if she was, I’d probably like the ad.

-Ah, GoDaddy. Have you ever run an ad campaign that wasn’t lame in it’s attempt to be EDGY?

There is one moment of honest truth in there. Watch at the 26 second mark when the act is dropped for just a moment, and the look on Bar Refaeli’s face becomes one that can only be described as horror and regret for her decisions. There’s a motto for GoDaddy! Horror and regret.

The ad is actually tame by GoDaddy standards. What throws this thing in to the pit of horrible shit is the obnoxiousness of the guy playing the geek. Dude started tweeting about how he was ‘The King of Men’ after shooting this. Congrats bro, you made out with a hot girl who was contractually obligated to be there. Big ups to you. And then the talk about it taking 45 takes and ‘she wanted some of them too’ and ‘sometimes I messed it up on purpose’. Wow. So you’re a pathetic douche who quite literally took advantage of somebody. Enjoy that moment of ‘victory’ you sad, sad little man. You couldn’t be creepier if you installed a camera in a public washroom.

-Why is everyone going nuts about the Volkswagen commercial? Within 8 seconds we are presented with ‘the joke’, a wacky white guy who speaks like a Jamaican. Sadly, the commercial is more than a minute long. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS?! It isn’t funny, it isn’t particularly interesting, it just lingers up there like a turd for 1:03.

-Finally, we come to the complete mess of ‘God Made a Farmer’.

2 MINUTES of Paul Harvey talking about farmers. 2 MINUTES. No ad should EVER, EVER be 2 minutes long, particularly one that consists of a rambling monologue playing over still shots of farmers!

“To the farmer in all of us” was the marketing slogan that you went with? What failed to make the cut? “You didn’t rape a baby today, so how about a new truck!”? I don’t see ‘To the farmer in all of us’ bringing droves of auto buyers to the lot.

But the biggest complete failure of this commercial is that I didn’t even initially remember that it was a Dodge ad. If I don’t remember what product you’re trying to sell, your commercial has been a waste of time. 2 MINUTES of goddamn time!

-Budweiser put out three good ones. I actually liked this year’s Clydesdale ad, and that was something that seemed completely played out and boring at this point. Hey, apparently I’m not a heartless automaton! Yay!

Then there were the 2 Bud Light ads about putting a hex on the opponent. Lucky Chair sees two guys bring the lucky seat of a fan of the rival team to a New Orleans voodoo practitioner (STEVIE FUCKING WONDER!) to get it hexed. And Zoe Saldana makes pretty much everything better, so that’s all good.

The last one is Journey. Another guy looking for a little Mojo from the same voodoo guy (MORE STEVIE FUCKING WONDER!) while Superstition plays. I also liked how the guys from the Lucky Chair ad are briefly visible in the background early on. Continuity for the win!

Sadly, their beer still sucks. Even the new aluminum bottle Platinum space beer. Ugh.

-Okay, the good Doritos ones! One of the two finalists was Goat 4 Sale, a touching story of kindred spirits…AND BETRAYAL.

The overall contest winner was Fashionista Daddy. The prize for the guys who made it? Working with Michael Bay on the next Transformers movie. I don’t know that being a director’s coffee boys is a prize, but whatever. Oh, and they AND the goat guys also get an ass ton of money, so there’s that.

-The newest Got Milk ad starring The Rock was amusing. So was Space Babies by Kia. It was completely predictable where this thing was going from the end of the first sentence, but the narrative that the dad spins is so over-the-top silly that it works. I liked the ad from Samsung with Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd throwing out weird commercial ideas (and a lot of it was apparently ad lib material). I DON’T so much like that Samsung keeps inundating me with goddamn sponsored tweets about the stupid thing. Piss off! We saw the ad, STOP BRINGING IT UP!

-And now may I present the piece de resistance…Oreo’s Whisper Fight :

Because silly nonsense amuses me.