Wow. For the first time ever, I feel somewhat guilty about putting up a pic. Because that is absolute rocket grade nightmare fuel right there. That monstrous image aims to drive you mad and devour you Cthulhu-style.
Anyway, yes. Somehow, this disaster got the green light for a second season. Eight ‘celebrities’ competing in cooking challenges, with the bottom 2 facing off against each other and the person producing the worst dish being punted. Last man or woman standing gets $50,000 for their charity of choice and a brief, final glimmer of recognition from a public that sorta’ kinda’ remembers them from a movie back in the day that starred that other guy.
And who are our eight ‘celebrities’? On Team Rachael we have :
Hines Ward – Apparently the plan for his life post-NFL consisted simply of the word ‘anything’.
Carnie Wilson – AKA the fat one from Wilson Phillips. Except she isn’t fat anymore. (Holy crap, Wilson Phillips still exists?!)
Kathy Najimy – I seem to remember her in some horrendous sit com that starred Kirstie Alley. Amazingly, she was the more annoying screen presence.
Gilbert Gottfried – Do I really even need to put words here?
Facing off against that group of four entertainment titans are the roster of Team Guy :
Dean McDermott – He hilariously describes himself as an actor. I defy ANYONE to think of one thing he has ever been in. And no, Tori Spelling doesn’t count this time.
Chili – AKA the hot chick from TLC…The one who DIDN’T burn down Andre Rison’s house.
Johnny Weir – I have absolutely no idea who this is. Oh, a figure skater. That’s explains it.
Cornelia Guest – ??? Uhhh…hmmm. The two impressive things about her according to IMDB : 1. She is the daughter of Winston Churchill’s cousin. 2. She is a debutante. Okay, so you’re filler. Good for you.
Anyway, their first challenge was to prepare snack food for 100 guests, including a few from Entertainment Weekly. At this point, I briefly worried that the 8 ‘celebrities’ were going to go full zombie and start moving jerkily about the room and moaning “Faaaaaaammmmeeee….faaaaaammmmmeeeee.”, but it didn’t come to that. I suspect they were tranquilized before taping began.
And we immediately discover that this year’s Aaron Carter is going to be Gilbert Gottfried. Quick recap : Aaron Carter seemed more baffled and confused in last year’s opening episode than someone waking up from a twenty year coma. The best compliment that could be given to his mess of a plate during the cook off challenge was “He really tried to get it in the bowl.” Everybody else knew what they wanted to do, but Gilbert seemed puzzled by the concept of preparing food. Actually, Gilbert seemed puzzled by the concept of pretty much anything beyond ‘Thag hit thing…thing die.’ Finally, he decided that he would prepare…
Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.
A lot of you have children. If any of them are over the age of 5 and haven’t been kicked in the face by farm animals more than half a dozen times, they are now apparently qualified to appear on a Food Network program. Don’t know how to use an oven yet? Doesn’t matter. Can’t use sharp knives without mom supervising? They’re still food wizards when matched up against Gilbert Gottfried.
After the rest of Team Rachael regained the ability to speak (it was a great shot of 4 other people with Broken Brain Face), it was off to the kitchens to cook…well, everyone aside from Gilbert was cooking, anyway. He was engaging in something better described as ‘shocking incompetence’. Gilbert was putting peanut butter, banana slices and jelly between 2 slices of buttered bread, sprinkling them with cinnamon and sugar, and then putting them in a pan…and burning them. Constantly. Finally, with food prepared, it was time for the show.
Each team had to do a 3 minute show for the audience. I have attended elementary school music nights that featured a higher grade of entertainment than these did. One team told Cinderella backwards. The other did some awkward, horrible cowboy theme that featured Johnny Weir…in a dress.
There you go. Hey, if I have to suffer I’m not going down alone! At least you get to miss the denouement of he and Dean making out. I really wish that I was making that up. These are the memories that you can’t drink away.
In the end, Team Guy won and the bottom 2 items from Team Rachael were some weird mushroom thing that Kathy made and…SHOCKINGLY…Gilbert’s sandwiches. He was complimented on the cinnamon and sugar, so the dude totally MASTERED the art of using a shaker. Baby steps.
Their challenge was : create the perfect midnight snack. Kathy decided to make Hummus. Gilbert decided to make…
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Yes, really. Oh, but he added chopped strawberries this time and totally cut the sandwiches up! Hines Ward and Carnie Wilson both had an expression on their faces that can only be described as ‘I’m gonna slap a bitch’ as they watched this train wreck unfold.
The Food Network desperately tried to build this up as an actual tough decision to be made as Guy and Rachael entered for their blind taste testing, though a blind chimp would know who had made what.
“You know…this really is the perfect midnight snack…”
“Yeah, he really stuck to the theme of the challenge…”
Not Aaron Carter bad, but pretty bad. Lines like that were delivered with the same sort of believable enthusiasm normally reserved for people who have received tickets to a Gilbert Gottfried show as a birthday present, and they’re trying to convince Grandma that they’re TOTALLY excited.
AMAZINGLY, Kathy won and everyone pretended to be sad to see Gilbert Gottfried leave the room.
What will happen next week? Who knows…well, aside from every viewer yet again being left feeling a thousand times better about their own abilities in the kitchen.
Oh, one more dose of douche chills :