Many, MANY moons ago, I started what was supposed to be a series of posts where I watch and comment on craptacular cinema. It began with The Phantom Menace before disappearing beneath the sands of time.
But now it’s back. And with a horrible, evil vengeance. I haven’t seen this piece of shit for quite some time, but I remember it being atrocious.
Let the penance for something I probably did to somebody at some point begin :
0:55 – ‘There is unrest in the galactic senate’. Oh, fuck you. Just fuck you! I can already practically feel the bile rising up the back of my throat.
1:02 – And we have the first mention of Count Dooku. Who green lit that name, Pauly Shore? Let’s take Christopher Lee and make him a bad ass source of evil, but then we’ll saddle him with a name so childishly ridiculous that everyone fighting him has to occasionally beg off for giggle breaks. Brilliant!
2:00 – A small flotilla of space craft are coming in to the planet…why are they spinning? And why does the big one look like it’s made of the same material as the T-1000? Are they being transported via Robert Patrick?
3:18 – Oh SNAP! A bomb just took out the Queen/Senator! Wait, that was a FAKE?! I was TOTALLY fooled. Apparently the assassins of the future are noted for their blindness.
5:11 – That look on Samuel L. Jackson’s face…”I wonder how iron clad my contract is…”
5:42 “You know that Count Dooku (teeheehee!) was once a Jedi? He couldn’t assassinate anyone. It’s not in his character.” Getting beyond the fact that the Jedi in this trilogy seem to have no compunctions about splitting some motherfuckers with their laser swords, yo, this is just some BRILLIANT character development. I love how George Lucas uses such SUBTELTY and GRACE to tell us that Dooku was a Jedi. We’re 6 minutes in, and I’m seriously going to pause and pour myself a scotch. I can’t watch two more hours of this shit stone cold sober.
6:51 – Ladies and gentlemen, Hayden Christensen! I’m going to make this a double. And the entire scene basically boils down to ‘Gorsh, we’re gonna see a pretty girl! I’m so nervous and stuff!’
7:20 – Okay, WHOA! You CANNOT roll right from Hayden to a shot of Jar Jar! There are International legal statutes to prevent this kind of torture!
8:35 – I have seen multiple scenes of Natalie Portman. She hasn’t moved her face. Did she get a mega dose of Botox before this movie or something? I’ve seen more motion from a cement wall.
9:40 – “She hardly even recognized me, Jar Jar. I’ve thought about her every day since we parted, and she’s forgotten me completely.” Yes. Because you were 6. And she isn’t a skeevy perv who has sexual thoughts about children.
11:30 – So, Jango Fett handed the super poisonous bug things to another assassin, and then she just puts them in a robot which actually goes and tries to use them to kill Amidala? Why not just cut out the middle man and build your own killer bug droid, Jango?! And the robot can just create an opening in a window to put something in to the room…can ANYONE purchase one of these things and just carry it out of the store, or is there a 7 day waiting period while they check your papers?
12:30 – So, Anakin jumps up on the bed and kills the poison caterpillars. Amidala wakes up, sees him standing over her with a goddamn lightsaber a few inches from her neck, and doesn’t react at all? She is either the most trusting political leader or all time or the biggest moron in the History of space. Or maybe both. Oh yes, and after telling Anakin to be careful and think things through, Obi Wan LEAPS THROUGH THE WINDOW and grabs on to the fucking robot. Love me some continuity!
16:40 – So now they’re dodging industrial towers and flying over low walls and…wait a minute…I’ve seen this before. It seems so familiar.
18:30 – So Anakin jumps out of his craft, free falls about 1,000 feet, then grabs on to the assassin ship. I realize Jedi have super powers, but why are their arms apparently capable of withstanding that sort of impact? Oh, and he really wanted to question the assassin, but now he’ll just slam his lightsaber in to the cockpit and whip it around in hopes of cutting through flesh. Nice consistency.
23:40 – Obi Wan feels the need to explain to us that the dart-like projectile that just killed the assassin was a toxic dart. Thanks for the assist Space Gil Grissom, but I’m pretty sure we figured that out before you offered your brilliance.
26:18 – “Representative Binks, I know that I can count on you.” And right there, we’re presented with undeniable proof that Amidala is pretty much the worst governmental official in the History of man. Putting Jar Jar Binks in charge of a taco stand, much less a senatorial seat, makes her history’s greatest monster.
34:25 – “You haven’t changed a bit, you’re exactly as I remember you in my dreams.” Glad to see that Anakin is still the creepiest motherfucker in the quadrant. Rapists are more subtle in their wooing than this idiot.
43:33 – Oh boy, a blossoming love built on horrendous dialogue and emotionless characters and…oh, she shouldn’t have done that. Do you think that was Padme talking about kissing Anakin, or Natalie Portman talking about signing the contract to be in these heaps?
45:51 – And now, after a few moments of Obi Wan watching clones, we see Amidala and Anakin in a meadow of flowers talking about feelings and shit. On behalf of everyone on Earth, AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! And what the fuck is with the hippy headband? Oh for the love of fuck, now they’re FROLICKING! They are actually FROLICKING! Fuck you, Lucas. Fuck you. Did you farm out this writing to a klatch of 13 year old girls? “And there will be flowers and playful giggling and then they’ll kiss and stuff. It’ll be magical!” What’s next? Does she start writing his name on all of her governmental documents?
50:53 – More romantic interaction, over a dinner of…a pear? Your planetary senator comes calling, and dinner is a fucking pear? I’m all for fiscal sanity, but maybe bust out something that took more than ten seconds to pluck from a tree. And after that pear, we have more stalker talk. These are not the words of a man trying to attract a woman. They’re the words of a rambling manifesto written by a person who wears tin foil hats and keeps his stool in jars to prevent the government from getting their hands on it.
1:00:20 – And now Obi Wan free falls, uses the Force to wrap a steel rope around a tower, then grabs it with his bare hands and doesn’t suffer so much as a cut. Are these guys Jedi or Superman?
1:04 – Hey hey, it’s the most boring space chase scene ever recorded! Never has dogfighting seemed so dull and lifeless. Jango and Obi Wan both seem thoroughly disinterested. That leaves Child Boba to carry the scene. And what dialogue! “Watch out!” “Get him dad, get him! Fire!” You know what? You totally deserve your humiliating and slow defeat in the belly of the Sarlacc Pit. Seriously, what’s the point of this whole scene? You know that Boba Fett and Obi Wan live, so clearly nothing was ever going to happen to either ship. That means that this entire 3 minute space dogfight was completely and utterly pointless.
Okay, I can’t do this. I cannot sit through this entire shit heap in one shot. I had forgotten how vomitous this whole ‘budding romance’ truly is, there are more scenes featuring bad lines being delivered woodenly by actors who clearly wish they were somewhere else than Phantom Menace had, and the action is just dull. I’m falling asleep! I’m going to pick this up tomorrow.
And back we are again to watch this filth.
1:07:44 – Wait…the Trade Federation are BAD GUYS? What the fuck! Who KNEW?! Also, Obi Wan just flew over the ‘unusual concentration of Federation ships’ without anyone noticing? Maybe some old fashioned radar sets might be worth the investment, eh guys?
1:12:30 – Obi Wan just walked in to a massive cave carved out of an asteroid with all sorts of ornate walkways. So this whole development of The Empire has apparently been in the works for 500 years of excavation work to have taken place? And again, Obi Wan stays just out of sight and overhears the whole plan. Motion detectors, anyone? Maybe some sort of security droid?
1:18:05 – “Pain…suffering and death I feel.” Mace Windu seems disappointed at Yoda’s response when he asks what was going on. You were expecting pizza, perhaps? Maybe a secret hope that Yoda was busy planning your surprise birthday party? Yoda isn’t the most upbeat of guys, dude. Get with the program.
1:20:17 – So Anakin brings back the body of his mother after slaughtering an entire race, then just carries it on in to the house. That’s going to make dinner a bit awkward, isn’t it? “I brought you something.” Oh thanks, Padme. I just hefted mom’s corpse in to the house 10 seconds ago, but some blue milk and maybe a pear will make shit good again. And he now tells her that he butchered an entire people. Her response? “To be angry is to be human.” Oh, GREAT! Nope, she’s totally against the idea of a galactic army, but we’ll just coddle the poor guy who massacred an entire people. There there, Stalin, you just had a bad day. Some blue milk will make it better, maybe? And this bitch is the respected voice of reason in the Senate? Bring on The Empire! It really can’t be worse!
1:24:50 – Sweet merciful crap, the Viceroy of the fish Asians was behind the assassination?! Who could possibly have known…except for every single person who has watched the previous film. Typically, when someone wants someone else dead, they don’t just stop. “Well, that failed, I guess we’ll head back to Space Nippon and go back to respectable trade and tariff work again!”
1:29:55 – And Jar Jar Binks crushes democracy beneath his own sheer stupidity.
1:31:45 – “See those columns of steam ahead? They’re exhaust vents of some type.” Yeah, let’s just fly in there. Sure, they could be venting gases from an active volcano, or toxic emissions of some sort, but why even consider that? They’re probably the deliciously scented releases from a chocolate factory. Let’s descend on in!
1:38:53 – “I’ve been dying a bit each day since you came back in to my life.” We all feel that way, Padme. Anakin really is a horrible character. And now she’ll declare her love for a ‘man’ who has spent their entire time together whining, crying and committing genocidal revenge. Ladies and gentlemen, your voice of reason in the Galactic Senate. Phantom Menace proved how stupid the Jedi are. This one is the ‘Amidala is one dumb fuck’ film. Considering the genetic material passed on from the parents, it’s a wonder that Luke and Leia ever developed beyond drooling and crapping themselves.
1:41:10 – ‘Hey, people liked Gladiator, right? Let’s do a whole gladiatorial arena thing! Yeah!’ No wonder this planet is a decrepit dust pit. These idiot bug people sank their entire treasury in to an enormous, fancy looking gladiator arena to commit executions. Could have had a decent education system, but NOOOOOO…we want fancy monsters killing people. Don’t come crying to the rest of the universe when you suffer a planetary outbreak of cholera that overwhelms your underfunded health care system, you stupid fucks.
1:42:46 – I felt a ripple of horror disrupt the force. As Natalie Portman’s midriff was bared by that ridiculous cat creature, I could sense that millions upon millions of nerd loads have been spilt to screen captures of this very moment. I need another drink.
1:46:30 – The Jedi have arrived, but they must defeat thousands of the same battle droids that they tore through with ease in every previous encounter! Joy.
1:48:45 – And Jango Fett, the supposedly powerful super soldier, dies because he doesn’t seem to get that he can’t shoot through a lightsaber. What a tactical genius.
1:51:45 – Had enough digital wonderment? No? I’m glad, because here’s Yoda with a whole fleet of fake ships and thousands of clone soldiers based off of the idiot who died a few minutes ago. There’s more fake shit on screen right now than at any awful moment Pamela Anderson has spent being broadcast. And now MORE, as a gajillion droids that don’t exist appear. And I see that we have a Gay Pride rainbow of lightsaber colours. That mixes well with 7 kabillion laser beams in 76,000 hues that are SCORCHING MY FUCKING RETINAS. And Padme is in the midst of it, because fuck the whole ‘protect her’ nonsense. We need Natalie Portman midriff to keep the geeks interested!
1:56:00 – So the Death Star was designed by bug people who actually communicate in clicks and whistles? Really? REALLY? These folk seem as though they would be bewildered by the wonder of running water.
2:04:00 – “Oh God, Yoda has a light sabre and they’re fighting and…my pants are sticky!” I was wrong earlier. THIS is the screen capped moment to which a million nerds spilled their seed.
2:06:10 – And here comes Dooku to Coruscant. Again, a simple radar tracking system would allow his presence to be known as soon as he showed up…
2:08:00 – Wait, so I get where the clone troopers came from. But did the star destroyers get cloned as well? Where the fuck did dozens of them magically come from?! A ship building program of that magnitude doesn’t just get thrown together in a week.
And it’s over. Finally.
This is absolutely one of the worst movies that I’ve ever seen in my life. It magnifies every bad thing from the first one a hundred fold, then takes a big dump on top of it. There isn’t a single moment of drama, interest or intrigue. The already moronic plot gets dumber, as does every single character involved.
In comparison, The Phantom Menace was the best movie ever made.
And there’s one more. Fuck.