Watching Bad Movies #1 – the Phantom Menace

Let it begin…

Okay, I remember going to see this movie in the theater with Tim. We broke away from a social gathering of some sort (Sam’s birthday, maybe?) at West Ed to check it out at Silver City. I remember legions of nerds breaking in to cheers every time they thought the movie was starting, only to find they were cheering for Coke ads or promos for the latest Adam Sandler vehicle. And then the movie started.

I remember initially liking it when everything was fresh and new, only to find faults once time passed and the ‘just saw it!’ excitement faded. In fact, I’m pretty sure Time and I started talking about the incredibly racist Asian fish people on the drive home.

I honestly don’t think I’ve seen this movie since. Maybe bits and pieces, but certainly not the whole thing. Actually, I have seen the Rifftrax version, but that was more focused in hilarious mockery. I’ll be hopping back and forth from watching it and typing up thoughts here, and I’ll try to time stamp things to give some idea of just how quickly the shit flies. How bad will it turn out to be? Let’s find out…

00:59 – Well, that didn’t take long. Seriously, here is the first paragraph that scrolls up the screen :

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Because nothing equals cinematic excitement like tax policy. This whole preamble sets the tone for the movie, and THAT is what it rolls out. This is going to be a long 2 hours.

3:30 – Seriously, how racist is George Lucas? How did these clearly Asian stereotype fish people get in this movie, considering how sensitive the entertainment industry is to possibly maybe kinda offending anyone these days?!  I keep expecting them to do this :

4:20 – Wait, so these things just go along with it when some holographic image in a bathrobe tells them to invade the planet they’ve been cutting off from trade for reasons that they don’t seem to understand? Oh, and could you kill those Jedi? You know, the ones that scare the shit out of you? Thanks. George doesn’t seem to think much of Asians.

5:00 – Remember how in the earlier movies lightsabers being drawn was serious business? Obi Wan wouldn’t pull his out except as an absolute last resort, because Jedi are supposed to be primarily peacekeepers. Well, Obi Wan and Qui Gon just pulled their sabers out because they heard a boom.

Oh yes, and now we’ll send in our ineffectual combat bots rather than leaving the poison gas enough time to kill them.

WHY DO THE FUCKING ROBOTS CHATTER TO EACH OTHER?! “Check it out Corporal…we’ll cover you.” “Roger roger.” They have RANKS? How exactly does a ROBOT earn a promotion?! Don’t they have some sort of non verbal method of communication?!

And then the Jedi escape because apparently these idiots don’t have any sort of tracking systems on their own ships.

8:00 – THAT is the regent of Naboo? THAT? I don’t blame the Space Asians for wanting to Pearl Harbour any people that would put this in charge.

Excellent, so we can also blame George Lucas for Lady Gaga!

What the Hell is that? Did Spielberg bet him that there was no way he could make Natalie Portman unattractive or something? Are the outlying worlds of the Republic so bored with themselves that they regularly have competitions to create the most ridiculous looking monarch? I mean, where would something like that originate? Did the costume artist draw that up while on a really bad acid trip?

10:30 – Like the arrival of the Anti-Christ, we have our first siting of the one known as ‘The Binks’. And with this happening, we reach Round 2 of ‘How Racist is George Lucas?’ Jar Jar could only be more of a racist early 20th Century depiction of blacks if he said ‘Me’sa want me some fried chicken and watermelon.’ It’s not like it’s subtle, either. Lucas must be a Grand Dragon by now…or maybe Grand Wizard?

WAS HE HONESTLY SO STUPID THAT HE THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE THIS CHARACTER?! I suspect this was supposed to be this movie’s version of the Ewoks, but the Ewoks were FUN cute little furry dudes. This thing is a racist lizard thing with a bad Jamaican accent.

And now he have Boss Nass, the ridiculous negro…ERRRRR…Gungan leader. Did Lucas decide that weird tics and the like were a replacement for character development? “We’sa not caring about the…tic-tic-tic-tic…Naboo.” He then pretty much gives the room a raspberry. Delightful.

17:00 – Okay, here’s another major problem…George Lucas apparently decided that we need to see EVERYTHING. Can’t just explain that the Jedi and Jar Jar are on their way to the Naboo city; audiences are stupid and can’t be trusted! Instead, let’s spend 5 minutes showing their journey in some weird bio ship and a thrilling race away from a gigantic fish beast. And another. And still another. CG is teh AWSUM!

20:00 – Even under all the makeup, nobody could possibly think that this is Queen Amidala. For fuck’s sake, they even gave the decoy Queen a completely different costume! Are the Fish Asians blind as well as absolute morons?

26:00 -  Hey there, big bad guy here. Did I forget to introduce my student, Darth Maul? Well, now he’s introduced. Loose end tied up.

Hey, let’s give R2D2 an award for being the only droid not blown off the wing of the ship during the repairs of the shield generator! Way to go about your every day job and not be blown up! Something tells me that the issuing of Participaction medals is a very big deal on this world.

30:00 – Oh, Jar Jar just stepped in some sort of poo! The HILARITY as something not real stepped on something else not real. This is just a great example of why this movie doesn’t work…NOTHING IS REAL. I remember originally thinking that the actors gave bad performances. You know what? I can’t blame them. Stuck speaking this godawful dialogue to a bunch of digital things that they can’t even bounce their performance off of probably isn’t going to bring out anything more than a mailed in job. I call it ‘CSI Miami syndrome’.

Every damn scene has 55 different digital creations just wandering around in the background that serve no purpose beyond Lucas whacking his ego off with his precious digital environments.

31:00 – Episode 3 of ‘How racist is George Lucas?’ as we meet Watto. Part digital bug creature, part racist stereotype of Jews. All he’s missing is an intergalactic yarmulke.

And here comes Jake Lloyd. Oh boy. Sweet merciful fuck, he actually just said “Are you an angel?” to the ‘TOTALLY not the Queen’ Padme. “An Angel. I hear the deep space pilots talk about them. They’re the most beautiful creatures in the universe.” Apparently small children spitting out bad pick up lines from the 70’s is not creepy at all.

And then there’s this exchange :

“You’re a slave?”

“I’m a person,  and my name is Anakin.”

Good God…he actually just invited her back to his room to see his robot.

38:00 – Oh yeah, I guess we should have followed our plan from ten minutes ago to not communicate at all for fear of being detected. Now we’ve been traced by Darth Maul. WHOOPS!

40:00 – So, the little kid with the bad lines figures out that Qui Gon is a Jedi and Qui Gon has to reveal the entire plan to return to Coruscant to him. And now Anakin is telling the Jedi what to do. I am beginning to suspect that Midichlorians don’t just make you a Jedi, they also make you incredibly stupid.

43:00 – “I have acquired a pod in a game of chance.” Nobody talks like this. “Hey guys, wanna come over for some pizza and a few games of chance?” would get you beaten up and you would totally deserve it.

I’m also beginning to notice how bad Jake Lloyd truly is. He comes off as smug, which is rather insane from a 6 year old child actor. What the Hell have you accomplished to earn smugness? Congrats, you recently stopped shitting your pants!

45:00 – There was no father. I had forgotten that Anakin Skywalker is basically Space Jesus. So, who created this immaculate birth? Space God? Maybe the Holy Spirit was feeling a bit frisky? Something tells me this can be chalked up to a complete and utter lack of planning by Lucas. “Oh shit, who do I set up as the father of the most powerful Jedi around?! Yoda? No, that’s a bit weird for even me. Uhhh…”

Why are these kids blown away by the existence of R2D2 while they stand next to a pod racer and the robot Anakin built?!

48:00 – Ah yes, the Midichlorian count in the bloodstream. I’m not even going to get in to how stupid this is.

53:00 – Okay, the podrace preamble has just started…and we have our first space fart joke. Ugh. Anyway, let’s see how long this sequence is.

55:00 – More misplaced incredulity. Anakin has been in numerous high speed pod races, but Qui Gon physically lifting him in to his pod elicits a “Woah!”? Really? Nothing more shocking than a person lifting you up and stuff…mind blowing! The incredulity of it all!

60:40 – “He has to complete 2 more circuits? Oh dear.” The audience is with you, C3PO.

66:00 – And it’s finally over. Because we had to see every damn second of the stupid race. This actually could have been a decent scene if George Lucas was capable of editing. But his head is so far up his own ass that he can’t possibly see a way to remove even a moment of his ‘genius’.

68:00 Obi Wan – “Why do I sense that we’ve picked up another pathetic life form?” You have. His name is Jake Lloyd. Enjoy!

77:00 – Corsuscant…the planet is one big city. You will now get to see all of it as the digital effects display every building and ship flying by. Digital effects for the win! And now more thrilling and completely imaginary vistas of the futuristic metropolis as we go from the landing platform to another building!

79:00 – And now we have real Queen Amidala back. Nope, no differences to notice! There aren’t 2 versions of the Queen!

81:00 – Does anyone seriously consider the words of the Jedi Council member with a cock for a head? I find it hard to believe someone that looks like that would possibly have survived the brutal hazing rituals that must be a part of Jedi training. “I have reservations about this.” “Yeah, well you also have a dong on your skull. So shut up.”

“Master Qui Gon…more to say have you?” Yoda’s language is further proof of my midichlorians = retard hypothesis.

Hey idiots, you believe Anakin is the one foretold to bring balance to the force…right now, the force is so slanted towards the good that you all find it hard to believe the presence of a Sith. Do you think maybe balance might equal EVIL in this case? MIDICHLORIANS = DUMB.

83:00 – Wait, so the Trade Federation blockaded Naboo because of trade tariffs? Even though Naboo apparently produces nothing?! And since when are Queens elected rulers?

89:00 – Blah blah blah weak and stupid political crap that makes absolutely zero sense and isn’t the slightest bit interesting. NOBODY watched Phantom Menace hoping for ‘thrilling’ Senate action. George Lucas doesn’t give a goddamn what the audience wants, and doesn’t have a clue anyway.

91:00 – “Oh yeah, I need to explain what the fuck Midichlorians are! Roll out some bullshit about microscopic organisms and symbioses and other Science stuff.”

94:00 – “Jar Jar Binks…I need your help.” That might be the most horrifying line ever spoken.

96:00 – What the…Padme the handmaiden is the Queen?! Why I never! How is it that the damn Jedi seem shocked by this turn of events? Aren’t they supposed to have super senses and the like? Perhaps I should get my Midichlorian levels tested, because I saw right through that shit.

Oh how delightful. Boss Nass has given this new agreement a ceremonial spitting. Wait a minute…all the spitting and stuff…the overall look…he’s totally Space Frog Wooly Whatzit! “B-b-b-b-b-b Hey Anakin!”

Both loud, both outlandish, both somewhat annoying one note idiots…perfect!

99:00 – I love this alliance. The forces of Naboo will try to attack the droid control ship and take the capital city, while the Gungans stand against a massive Droid army and get slaughtered in the field.

And where the Hell has this Gungan army been hiding?! Thousands of troops, many of them mounted. Gigantic reptilian beats capable of carrying shield generators and turrets. What, were they all skilfully hiding behind trees every time the robots sent in a recon flight?

103:00 – Why are the star fighter pilots wearing WW1 era goggles?

Do they help keep the wind out of the eyes…in their enclosed cockpits?

Meanwhile, on the surface the droid army is activating…and walking right through the protective shield. What kind of shield can’t stop the forward motion of something walking? Oh well, it gives us a ‘thrilling’ fodder vs. fodder battle. The lame robots vs. the stupid aquatic things…can they please ALL lose? Does someone have a few tactical nukes?

106:00 – Oh, how dramatic…a Jedi vs. Sith clash. Or at least it might be dramatic if the Jedi didn’t have a 2 to 1 advantage from the outset.

And if the heavy battle droids are so effective, why does the Trade Federation even make any of the shitty regular variety? Stupid Space Asian Fish.

110:00 – All of the police and the Queen have Batman tether guns now? Because those damn droids are such effective fighters, you might need to make a quick escape.

112:00 – The shield that was doing nothing to protect the Gungans goes down, so they flee. Who does that remind us of?

115:00 – Qui Gon apparently forgot that he’s an awesome space ninja and fell for the ‘punch to the face’ fighting style. Midichlorians = dumb.

116:00 – Remember that the fight against anger is a big part of being a Jedi? Cause Obi Wan looks pretty damn pissed off right now. Bad Obi Wan…bad!

And now Anakin saves everyone by destroying the droid control ship COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT. Perhaps his later turn towards the dark side would be effective if his great act of heroism here wasn’t entirely incidental. This doesn’t make him a hero, it doesn’t make him good and it doesn’t prove his place in the universe…it makes him a fluke. He won completely by chance. The great foretold one is pretty much Space Mr. Bean.

119:00 – And Darth Maul forgets that Obi Wan knows that Force stuff, then just stands there while Obi hops over him and cleaves him in two. Don’t I remember something later about the importance of the high ground? And didn’t Darth just kick Qui Gon’s ass? Midichlorians = dumb.

120:00 – Palpatine – “And you, young Skywalker. We’ll watch your career with great interest.” I’m not evil. Not evil!

Did Yoda always sound this Grover-esque? He seems to have really slanted his voice towards that particular blue muppet.

The council believes it’s a bad idea for Noob full Jedi Obi Wan to take Anakin as his apprentice, but they give in because the dead guy wanted it. Yes, this is truly the brightest way to run things. Forget about the hard won wisdom of the Council, we’ll go along with what this other guy wants.

123:00 – Remember that scene at the end of Star Wars that the kids liked, what with all the pageantry and medals for the heroes and such? Yeah, let’s re-do that only with 73 tons of digital wonderment.

And it’s over.

I remembered this not being a good movie, but this goes beyond that. It’s complete shit. Bad plot, bad dialogue, bad performances, bad everything. Nothing interesting happens in over 2 hours of movie. The entire premise makes absolutely no sense.

And who is the target audience here? Adults will mock the laughably stupid premise and childish bullshit. Kids will be bored to death by rambling governmental monologues and dialogue heavy with senselessness. This is not just total shit, it’s total shit without an obvious audience.

Clearly George Lucas is fond of himself and his ideas. He shouldn’t be. Now we know why Paramount parachuted Lawrence Kasdan in to help re-write Star Wars and work heavily on the sequels in that trilogy (Kasdan actually wrote Empire entirely). Lucas can’t write. He can’t come up with story ideas that work or interesting characters or decent lines. Then to make it worse, he fills those voids with digital tricks that do nothing more than really illuminate just how hollow an experience the movies really are. What an absolute mess. George Lucas has recently said that he wants to focus on small movie projects, but he’s simply incapable of it. Small movies don’t get budgets for 7,000 pounds of digital shit…they need well thought out characters and realistic dialogue. And he isn’t capable of producing either of those.

And there are two more to go. Fuck.