What I’m Playing

Sometimes, things suck

 General Type Things
Jan 242012
 

I’ve been going back and forth with this post for a few days now, trying to come up with the best way of writing it. Trying to come up with some sort of, I dunno…concept or something for it. But there is no way to do anything at all with this, so I’m just going to get it out of me before I go completely fucking insane.

We found out about a week ago that my Uncle Doug was really sick and had been hospitalized. My folks flew out to Ontario to be there, which was indication #1 that things were pretty damn bad. So I knew that the news wouldn’t be good, but that doesn’t make news magically any better to deal with when it inevitably comes.

Cancer everywhere. Nothing they can do except try to keep the pain from getting too bad. 6 months max. Thanks for coming out.

I find myself going back and forth from feeling despondent and feeling like I want to puke to just wanting to fly in to a rage and beat the living shit out of something. And then that’s followed by my wanting to kick my own ass for feeling in any way bad when it isn’t me facing my approaching end. I dunno, is there a way someone is supposed to feel right now? Maybe a memo I missed? I really hope someone can clue me in to a guideline for this so that maybe I can get that going for me or something. This whole feeling weepy and angry and miserable thing, and then getting angry and miserable over the fact that I’m feeling angry and miserable in the first place, really isn’t working out too well.

I find myself flashing back to 3 different things :

-My Uncle Doug was one of the relatives who we all saw this past summer when my youngest sister got married. Not a whole lot to really add that was momentous, but he was the same guy he’d always been : nice, friendly, and brimming with dry wit that would pop in when you least expected it. Aside from a bit more gray in the hair and a pretty awesome beard, basically the same guy. He hadn’t changed, and that’s a very good thing.

-At some point during my youth, I made a foray in to putting together airplane models. One Christmas he and my Aunt Gillian sent me this really kickass P-51 Mustang. This was a really, REALLY nice model, a Smithsonian branded one that I happen to know was worth a fair chunk of money. I did get it built eventually, but it of course looked nothing like the box when it was done. But it was still cool to get. I wish I could find that model. I don’t really know what became of it.

-One of my first sets of memories is from when Uncle Doug and Aunt Gillian got married. It was over in England, and we (at that time ‘we’ was my parents, me and my sister Pam. I think I was somewhere between 3 and 4) went over for it. I don’t remember everything, just bits and pieces. A suitcase getting wedged in a London elevator, and this was an old school UK elevator that didn’t bounce the doors back when they met with a solid object, and my dad fighting the doors for ownership of the bag. A really big (and really drafty) hotel room. Little bits and pieces from around the city. And during the start of the wedding, when the bride passed in her dress and I quietly (you know, kid quietly…so really loud) asked my mom why Aunt Gillian was wearing a nightgown (followed by chuckling and smiles. Apparently I was playing for laughs even as a kid).

So that’s where it is. I don’t feel any better, but that isn’t why I wrote this. Maybe now I’ve blasted through the mental block that saw me staring at a blinking cursor every fucking time I tried to type up an email to my Uncle Doug. I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say at all. Thanks for coming out.

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  • Tammy Hayne

    Cancer is actually the most terrible C word of all.  I am really sorry to hear that news.  We can relate somewhat.  On xmas we were at Chad’s moms and during the gift exchange his 22 year old cousin (Richard) was holding his head, not feeling well and went to lay down.  No one was worried, just thought he wasn’t feeling well. 

    Well 2 days later he went south and they took him to the hospital, and discovered he had testicular cancer that spread to his lungs.  Within about a day he was on life supports and less than a week he was dead.  Just like that!  What a shock.  I don’t really even know the young man but I cried a few times just at the sadness of it all, and also for his family.  I can’t even imagine the shock they must be feeling.  We went to the funeral and it was so very sad.  I guess he went fast so he didn’t have time to feel much pain.

    My younger sis has had 2 bouts of cancer so far and you always keep your fingers crossed that it can be treated.  When they say cancer will impact 1 in every 2 people I believe that must be true.  It is really hard to know what to say to people at a time like this, especially when little hope has been given.

    One thing they did really well at Richards funeral was show photos and videos of his life and some of the footage was hilarious.  They really did their best to focus on his life rather than his death.

    Sorry to hear your news.

  • Roxy

    Cliff, allow yourself to grieve.  What you are feeling is pretty normal.  In nursing school we were taught the 5 stages of grief.  1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”(this is a stage that some don’t have or have very briefly) 2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”(this is one that is easy to get stuck in, I know I did when I lost my dad to cancer) 3. Bargaining  4. Depression   5.Acceptance (google Kubler-Ross if you want more info).  Stages can be skipped or you can even back slide.  Eventually you will find the acceptance.  Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timetable.

    Remember the good times..cherish them in fact.  Let him know what he meant to you.  But over all know that you are not alone.  You have friends you can turn to. 

    Again allow yourself to grieve.  Scream at the Gods if that makes you feel better.  Times are tough right now, but you will get through it.

  • Plgulka

    At my wedding when Chris did the whole “if you want to see a kiss you have to pay for it” thing, Uncle Doug was the first one up and threw down a $20. This whole thing sucks and there’s not a thing anyone can do about it. I wish I had more to say but I’m stuck between weeping and cursing/throwing things. I don’t do powerless very well. Sorry.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    I think we’re probably all basically feeling the same way. Everyone is frustrated and angry and wants to do something…but there isn’t anything to do. Drives me up the wall.

    Mom and dad got back tonight, but it’s impossible to get a read on how dad’s doing. He keeps things closer to the vest than I ever have, so I’m a little worried about him as well.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    The speed with which all of this progressed along just really caught me off guard. Within a week we went from going in for tests to dying, just like that. It really felt like the floor just dropped away under me, and probably the rest of the family as well.

    I think the other part of this that is a kick in the teeth is that this is the first member of that generation of the family who is going to die. My grandparents are all gone, but this is the first one from the same age group as my parents, and that’s a bit freaky to think about.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Thanks. I finally did figure out what to say today, and letting him know how I feel about him actually has helped quite a bit.

  • michelou

    Sometimes, you don’t have to say anything at all. I mean, you want the person to know how you feel about them, what impact they made in your life,  but in the end, sometimes all they need is your “presence” (Not always literal, things can represent you – cards or music or flowers or anything, really). My favorite uncle died of cancer when I was in my early 20s. He lived about an hour and a half away, and not having a car at the time, I only got to go and see him once, near the end. I will always remember what he said, when I told him I didn’t know what to say. He said thank-you. People at the end want honesty, they want someone to listen while they reflect on their life. I have lost far too many people, and it seems to always be the same at the end. Let your uncle tell you what he needs from you.

    As for what you are feeling, well, I have found that it can be more than possible to be mired in all the stages of grief at once, so expect the roller-coaster ride for a bit. How people deal with things is unique to them. Just don’t be surprised if you find yourself tearing up after laughing. A lot of people do because they feel guilty that they are enjoying something when a loved one is dead/dying/hurt.

    A friend of mine once gave me a piece of advice. Now, I’m not religious, but she was at the time, but this is still one of the best pieces of advice I have ever had. As she told me, in the bible, it always says “and it came to pass…”, never, ever, does it say ” and it came to stay”. 

    I will be sending my wishes to the universe for you and your family, Cliff.

  • http://twitter.com/hadaad hadaad

    I’m sorry to hear about your uncle, Cliff.

 
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