Yes indeed, IT BEGINS!

Sony Press Conference

-Waiting for it to start, I just saw a promo for a new Tomb Raider game. Apparently they’ve decided that since the kids like em some torture porn, let’s beat the ever living shit out of Lara Croft. This may as well be called ‘Eli Roth’s Tomb Raider’.

-Why is this one scheduled for 2 hours? Does Sony have that much going on? And how much of that time will be filled with apologies for the constant hacking of the Playstation Network and/or promises of oral favours as payment for those who stick around?

-Bad techno and a Playstation branded blue screen fills the waiting time…I’d imagine it’s like being on an elevator in the Sony building that doesn’t go anywhere. Maybe this is a weird sort of game announcement? “Elevator Operator : The Interactive Experience. Only YOU can push the floor buttons!”

-“They’re building the excitement and anticipation!” No, GameTrailers douche, they’re boring everyone. And why the Hell are you wearing a suit and tie? Did you pull that out of daddy’s closet on the way out the door? B-ROLL OF THE CROWD OUTSIDE?! Why the FUCK would anyone think that anybody wants to watch people waiting to see a presentation?!

-Sweet merciful crap, it’s actually starting!

After some corporate blather from Jack Tretton (wearing a shirt that was sort of a pink/peach colour and a blue tie…), we finally get in to this.

-Uncharted 3. So far, the action packed sequence they’re showing off features a lot of running on a boat. All the hot action that empty corridors can provide. Looks pretty, though. And now he’s talking to himself while stumbling. What is this, a game based on me when I get up in the morning? Okay, the action finally kicked in. And yeah, strapping a grenade to someone and kicking them away is never, ever going to stop being awesome. Ugh…swimming through murky water while struggling to find a way out? This is like a game designed to make me throw a controller through something made of glass.

-Resistance 3. Shooting down an alien ship with assault weapons while traversing a world of black and gray textures. Truly, they’re shooting for originality here. I would say more, but I don’t see the point. It’s a whole pile of stuff you’ve already done served with a dollop of missions you’ve already played in a billion other games that have come before.

-We’re pushing 3D hard, people! We’re desperate to glom on to something that might turn in to a profitable system pusher! They just showed a Playstation branded 3DTV. I’ve heard more clapping and joy at the announcement of a death.

-2K Sports. We gave up on hockey, but we still do other stuff! They just trotted out Kobe Bryant to play the Move version of NBA2K12. I’m sure he’s THRILLED to be doing this instead of playing in the Finals…and the fans in the crowd are kinda getting on him. Awesome. He also sucks. Seriously, there is nothing more fantastic than watching people play something while engaging in awkward banter. SOLD!

-NOBODY BOUGHT THE GODDAMN PLAYSTATION MOVE! STOP HYPING IT! Everything is either “3D is AWSUM!” or “Waving around lame ass wands that look like neon ice cream cones is AWSUM!”

-Some medieval game using the Move. I don’t know the name of it and I don’t care. This looks ghastly. And the guy presenting it is so goddamn boring he could make car crashes with explosions and machine guns sound as thrilling as visiting Grandma.

-Infamous 2. A guy shoots lightning out of his hands, then some dude who looks like a Confederate General traveled forward in time shakes a sabre in the air while ranting about “Hunting em all down!” Oh, and then some giant monster thing shows up. I’m sort of half paying attention at this point, to be honest. That last presenter may have put my brain to sleep.

-A family friendly franchise that even hardcore gamers couldn’t put down. That’s usually their way of saying “Here’s a bag of suck.” Oh, it’s a new Sly Cooper. I’ve actually heard good things about these games, so…okay.

-Wait, the guys behind EVE Online? What are the presenting here? Some game called Dust 514 that apparently integrates in to EVE Online or something. But it’s a shooter. I honestly don’t know what the fuck this is going to be. Wait…this is a MOVE GAME? HOW?! And yes Jack, it will show the unique nature of Playstation 3…unless your network is still being hacked. then the whole MMO thing probably won’t be working so good.

-Okay, Bioshock Infinite looks awesome. A bit of a cartoony graphic style, some really good looking level design…awesome. Not so awesome : watching an uncomfortable Ken Levine talk about using Move in the game. The average crack head is less twitchy than Ken currently is. Oh joy, free Bioshock if you buy it on PS3…I suspect most fans have already played it. Utterly pointless throw-in.

-Oh look, a Star Trek game. It’s pretty much an action shooter. Because when I think Star Trek, I think action shooter. Fuck that exploring new worlds and prime directive shit, we gots to get our pew pew on!

-And it’s a hand off to another executive. Oh joy, a full minute of jokes about how Jack wears a tie but this dude hasn’t gone there yet. Ugh. Actual douche is not as douchey as this.

-And he’s announcing something called Playstation Suite, which apparently lets you play Sony games on Android phones and tablets. And they’re marketing this concept as a way to drive people to buy the new Playstation Portable. Um…what? In what world does that mess make sense? “We’ll sell you stuff on your existing device so that you’ll have no choice but to drop several hundred dollars to buy a new system!” Okay then. I’ll have some of whatever this crazy mofo is slurping down. And that new system is called the Playstation Vita. Either that, or this guy’s ordering from Starbucks or something.

-Now we’re seeing some Vita games. One is Uncharted : Golden Abyss. This game could not have a more gay porn sounding title if it tried. Especially when they start talking about ‘Tap the fist button, or touch the enemy…” They’re trying to convince people that stabbing the screen with your finger and dragging a digit across it works as well as using the buttons. Then they demo a game and clearly show that that isn’t the case at all. Way to sell it, Sony!

-Ruin. An RPG that can link between the Vita and the PS3. I can’t get past the fact that this presenter, like the last guy, can’t seem to catch his breath. I think every single Sony presenter is an asthmatic with a social disorder. All awkward, all out of breath, all the time. Also, whose brilliant idea was it to have one guy talking and watching another guy play a handheld game? Put a fucking headset on the dude playing it! As for the game, it actually looks neat. Random levels, design that changes as the evil overlord type expands, and it can hot swap saves between the two consoles.

-Some race game. There’s a game or something, but what’s notable is this latest out of breath bastard (are they making these guys sprint to the stage?), specifically his line of “The game is powered by the Vita and Brandon’s magic finger.”, which he followed with heavy breathing. I think I’ve just been sexually abused by this press event.

-Street Fighter vs. Tekken. Whose ‘highlight’ moment was apparently a character from each spinning through the rain to…stare at each other real mean like! ZOUNDS!

-Vita price : $250 US. That apparently is now considered a reasonably priced handheld. $300 for the 3G model. Why the fuck wouldn’t I buy a goddamn iPhone or Android phone and be good with that? Seriously.

-Jack Tretton just returned and responded to the tie joke…the lame ass tie joke from HALF AN HOUR AGO. Good grief. And it ends as lamely as it began. This was the worst thing that a gaming press event can be : Completely and utterly dull. Miserable.

Microsoft event

-Luckily this is on replay, so I don’t have to wait for eons for the damn thing to start.

-And it begins with a glitch. Yes, the guy playing the demo has the game come to a halt because his controller disconnected. Nothing like starting things off with a bang with a tech glitch! Jesus, it’s another ‘thrilling’ infiltration sequence. Slow swimming with radio chatter does not make me want to purchase your game, dudes. And now something in the distance is sinking. Context is for the lame! And the player character’s commander keeps stating the obvious in case you’re too fucking stupid to notice what’s happening. You don’t need to say “Found another mine.” when the main character is 10 feet from the fucking thing! And now they’ve set off explosives on a sub’s hull, forcing it to surface. New York is the scene of a battle (again). Oh. It’s a Call of Duty game. Okay, we all get what a CoD game entails. This doesn’t need to go on for 73 minutes. Wait…were those Arabs? So the Russians have united up with terrorists and attacked the United States. The Wolverines just called : Even they think that’s fucking stupid. Also, I think the presenter here is wearing a velvet vest. that seems weird.

-Microsoft douche just mentioned Call of Duty, then talked about “The world’s greatest storytellers.” We really are setting that bar pretty low these days, aren’t we?

-Okay, it’s Tomb Raider again. So Lara is nearly drowned, dropped in to a chasm, pops up on land after her ship sinks only to be taken captive and tied up. And now she’s screaming as she uses fire to free herself, burning herself up in the process. Now she fell. She’s limping and the screen is blurry. I’m surprised they didn’t have her inexplicably fall in to a pit of broken bottles. Hey hey, brutalized corpses! And she’s being dragged and threatened by some dude in a leather hood. She gets away and uses her magic ‘Gamers are stupid’ vision to see her path to escape. Oh noes! Another drop down a rockslide! And another creepy dude grabbing her ankle. Fuck, how long until she’s immersed in acid, gang raped and forced to watch the Twilight movies? Truly, this is the game to get the kids if you want the kids to fucking kill themselves.

-Oh lord, it’s Peter Moore of EA Sports. This guy is too jolly for anyone not under the influence of mass doses of uppers. And let us begin what I’m sure will be a cavalcade of “We usez the Kinect!” announcements.

-And he awkwardly hands it off to one of the guys from BioWare. Oh hai, Mass Effect 3! It’s such an early build that half the voice work isn’t using the right actor…it sounds like a really awful dub. Or maybe Shepard has developed multiple personalities? Earth under attack in this one. Looks like a nice continuation from the second game, but I find it hard to get too excited when the game’s already been pushed until 2012.

-Ghost Recon : Future Warrior still looks good. Lots of fun tactics and such. But your guys get stealth suits and what seem to practically be rail guns, and the other side appears to have rusty handguns and jaunty hats. Not exactly seeing the challenge here. But I like me some gunsmith weapons customization! Who the fuck will be playing this game with Kinect? Seriously, I’m going to spend 15+ hours playing a shooter while holding my hands in front of me like a gun? Good lord, the guy looks like he’s flashing signals from the sideline to the quarterback. How does that even resemble shooting? He just pulled off some sort of jazz hands thing to apparently reload his weapon as we thrill to some HAWT target range shooting action! That looks like a hot mess.

-“Kinect gives your TV a new voice…yours.” Fuck whoever wrote that with a bag of dicks. And you showed off all of this voice activated entertainment console stuff LAST YEAR. Wow, YOUTUBE to Xbox Live! That sort of announcement is completely and totally mediocre and uninteresting! And BING! Holy crap, the MS search engine on the MS console?! Supercalifragilisticespialidocious! NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO BING! NOBODY USES BING! NOBODY CARES! “TV is more amazing when you are the controller.” Don’t say that unless/until I can use my controller as a telestrator, you teasing motherfucker. STOP SAYING I’M THE CONTROLLER! I hate this boring man.

-And now we get a video showing people doing the same things that we just saw happen in the live demo. Way to use that time wisely, MS.

-And now it’s UFC President Dana White announcing that UFC events will now be broadcast on Xbox Live. Offering all the features already offered by the UFC web site, only with weird ‘rewards’. “Most knockouts watched.” We’re just handing out trophies for everything now. Can’t wait for “Most times pressing power button!” “Most times cursing while playing games!”

-40 minutes in and we’ve seen 3 games.

-Cliffy B just brought Ice T on stage to help announce Gears of War 3. Ice is trying to swagger and act like he’s still the tough mofo who sang about blasting cops…not the guy who plays a cop on one of the 7,000 versions of Law & Order currently on television. It isn’t working. Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen are more intimidating at this point. The two of them are playing. Nobody is saying anything. Ice just declared it “Bad ass!” and is bringing back Bodycount to do a song celebrating Horde Mode. Yep, that SCREAMZ outlaw. He’s still got his ear to the streets, yo.

-This might be the lamest Kinect promo yet. Roman Civil War. Soldier charging towards the audience. Skinny ass bastard in his living room ‘fights’ him while making mean face. I want to hit him in the face for real.

-Halo Anniversary. It’s the first game all over again, but now it’s prettier and the levels are bigger. If it’s cheap it might be worth a look, otherwise who gives a fuck.

And this thing keeps cutting out now, so I think I’m done.

First two events watched, and both were awful. Not even in a really funny bad way like last year’s Ubisoft presser, just dull and uninteresting. But this sumbitch is long enough without trying to add the EA and Ubi events, so those can wait.