Since apparently I felt it was right to subject you people to Rebecca Black’s opus Friday, it seems appropriate that I continue to offer equally atrocious sins against music for your…pleasure.

While Rebecca is a thirteen year old girl, and therefore stupid, today’s offender has no such excuses. Steven Tyler has been around awhile. He’s fronted one of the biggest rock bands of all time. He brought the world a hot daughter. And he could probably consume entire galaxies if he ever unhinged his jaw boa constrictor style. The dude know his shit.

So how in the fuck do we explain this?

‘This’ is his solo effort. There is a long history in rock of lead singers thinking they can do as well on their own as they could with that pesky band behind them who keep gravy training them for all the fame and glory. Mick Jagger, for example. But this…this is a special breed of horrendous. This is ‘special’ in much the same way that Koko the mentally retarded gorilla is ‘special’ as she flings her gigantic, baseball sized fecal deposits at terrified children who pass her cage at the zoo.

It’s probably best if I just expose you all to this now (though I feel I must hide the video behind the post break to offer some minimal protection against accidental exposure). Hopefully it’s early enough in the day that you can seek out medial help to clear up any sort of unstoppable vomiting syndrome that might be induced, because this combines an awful song with a completely bizarre and horrible video. It’s a double whammy of suck that will rape all of your senses equally.

And just remember : Steven Tyler nearly ended Aerosmith so that he could make this.

A few thoughts :

-Steven used to bang hot chicks. Now he plays patty cake with them. When your video resorts to imagery of you playing patty cake 3 SECONDS IN TO IT, you are officially bereft of ideas…and pride.

-I’m not sure who looks more like a primate between that monkey and Steven. And no, I have no fucking idea why a song about meeting a chick has a goddamn circus theme (though Steven at this point in life looks nearly as horrifying as any clown ever has). And finally, yes, it is unbelievably creepy to hear the guy at this point in his existence blathering on about how some young girl has changed his life around. You aren’t a rock God anymore, dude…grow the Hell up.

-0:30 or so…is ‘smelling like the summer time’ really something a girl should be proud of? Really? The overwhelming odours of clover, exhaust fumes, sweat, street food and dog shit are something to strive for? Will there soon be an ‘Eau de Summertime’ coming from some perfume maker to perfectly capture the putrescent blend of stank that forms the scent of the season?

-I suspect that the shaky cams were a choice to hopefully make it more difficult for viewers to focus in on the facial crevasses that don the man’s visage. K2 has less dangerous drops than the creases on that dude’s face.

-0:47 – 0:53. That’s a lot of dudes popping up during the chorus. Perhaps Steven is coming out of the closet here? Or he’s back on the blow, because I have no goddamn idea why a bunch of guys in red devil paint are popping in there…they have nothing to do with the song, and I don’t recall ever seeing a circus featuring shirtless devil men.

-1:05 – I’m not sure who looks more like a carrion eating spectre of death between Steven and that vulture. Also, Steven might want to be a little concerned at this point in his life that vultures apparently wanna swoop on in and just hang.

-What the fuck is with that elephant?! Was the only way to cover up Steven’s craggy features to put him next to a pachyderm, the only mammal with deeper wrinkles?

-I’m not sure who looks more like a drag queen between Steven and that ‘dude’ who pops in around 1:35. Before jumping to a decision, wait a few seconds and check out the image of ‘Mr.’ Tyler in that white get up and a hat best suited for a royal attending a wedding. When in the fuck did he become an ugly woman?

-Oh boy, a short harmonica bit. THAT was totally unexpected in a Steven Tyler track…

-2:16-2:30 – Holy shit! This ghastly song is destroying reality around him! Steven Tyler is a harbinger of doom for the planet as a whole! WE HAVE TO STOP THIS MAN FROM RELEASING MORE!

-2:33 – Did…did he just ‘play’ the ass of that girl from the Pussycat Dolls? Really? Did anyone else suffer an uncontrollable shudder from douche chills at that moment? Beyond that, why is Steven Tyler doing songs with someone from the Pussycat Dolls? It’s not like it’s going to get him any cred with the kids…they’ve forgotten she exists!

-Christ, who the fuck wrote these lyrics?! Were they concussed or at least on heavy medications at the time?

I think we all have the same hope here…that Steven Tyler simply fell off the wagon and entered in to a month long binge of every illicit substance he could put in to himself and the result was this cow pie. Go back to rehab, and NEVER EVER do something like this to music again. It’s been nothing but nice to you, and you release THIS? Honestly, you probably deserve to be hit a few times with a sack of doorknobs. And having listened to this song, I feel the need to go shower. In bourbon.