Everyone has had some weird Twitter bot pop up as a response to something they’ve typed in. Seriously, I’ve had everything from a Tommy Wiseau bot (“Oh hai, Cliff!”) to a coffee bot to a hippo bot appear in my feed. I once started getting spammed by an Egyptian news and tourism bot after posting a few tweets mocking Egypt.

However, there are certain word combinations that you must NEVER EVER enter in to a tweet. EVER. For example, even if it’s part of a funny conversation mocking the Hell out of pseudo-personality/pandering airhead Olivia Munn, DO NOT EVER tweet the words ‘gamer’, ‘tits’ and ‘explosions’ in rapid succession.

Seriously.

Trust me.

I have my Twitter set up to email me whenever someone new follows me. In the past hour, I have dealt with over 50. I just got 5 more. They keep pouring in like a magma flow straight from Satan’s ass. They’re all the same. Take a girl’s name for the account name (or occasionally a male one). Add a picture of a hot woman (super disturbing when added to the male name accounts…is this supposed to be a pre-op tranny?). Now add a bizarre mix of tweets like this to their profile :

“We can be the total package of brains and looks!”

“Don’t worry, you don’t HAVE to give your real name.”

“I just got past that level that was killing me…YAY!”

“That new action movie is really cool! Lots of stuff blowing up!”

The weird thing is, THEY ALL SAY THESE THINGS. It’s like they created one randomly generated bot obsessed with girl power and video games and then cloned it ad nauseam, and the clones must speak the same barely comprehensible strings of words at the same time. And I think the cloning made them degenerate further in to stupidity over time, because some of the recent ones feature things like this :

“OGHCKotakuPenny ArcadeOld Wizard MMORPG Game GirlRandom Battle”

Um…okay then? Nice English talking you with. Is this some sort of code? Maybe it’s the Earth equivalent of a babbling, senile Yoda. “There is no try…3 dicks this whore will take. Hot pics have I to share!”

I know that it’s inevitable that these ‘people’ will start showing up in my replies feed with promises of “Naked pictures 36DDD breasts that men like!” and “Pleasure explosion from Russia with naughty ladies!”, so I’m pre-emptively blocking them as they appear. That’s become something of an ongoing event.

Good lord, 7 more! The overriding theme of this batch seems to be the hilarity of them drinking beer that they thought was Pepsi. So, these bots are blind then? They also seem to be just grabbing random lines of text from other sites that make no sense. “For our LiveJournal users, follow us there” doesn’t exactly work without a link to something actually ON LiveJournal. You know, like crickets…or a total lack of existence.

And apparently every single one of them is known as The Gamer Chick from YouTube. Knowing how the ladies are when it comes to staking claims to their own territory, I sense a Twitter bot Battle Royale for that title breaking out soon! Probably of the “Many ladies lingerie pillow fight hot action!” variety.

5 more. There seems to have been an evolution in their profiles, since they’re all now showing a sort of side by side combo photo. One is a face shot, the other is further back and shows them standing up. So apparently Twitter bots are now grabbing pics from yearbooks.

“more sure than I’ve ever been of anything in my life.” That must have been one Hell of a decision for all 5 of you to reach it simultaneously! Weirdly, that followed this on every account : “she said she’d eat mah babies if we did!” So, you fed her the children then? Or you decided NOT to do so while this mysterious ‘she’ sharpened some cutlery in the background? Or this is unrelated to that earlier thing that you’re totally sure about? It’s like a soap opera written by retarded people.

“i think i’m just paranoid or something so i’m not like of a good mental state to tell you why you’re seeing jesus everywhere” Well this one’s pretty easy to figure out…they’re in Mexico! That’s where everyone keeps seeing visions of holy figures!

Okay, no more yearbook shots. The latest seems to have taken a picture from some sort of formal ball circa 1953. Way to keep it relevant.

“idk i guess all the northsiders that i talk to on some sort of basis: advisory girls, monday people, tuesday kids, colloquium buddies” Colloquium buddies?! Ah yes, cause the NORTH SIIIIIIDE! is always representin’ with their scholarly discussion conferences. Keepin’ it real, yo! Were those ‘tuesday kids’ the ones who were turned in to a casserole?

“Maybe come talk to me sometime? We’ll work it out ” What, you and the psycho with a taste for the flesh of children? I’d say you should leave that crazy bitch somewhere and move on!

Okay…it seems the crisis has passed. Let this post serve as a warning for the rest of you! There is a legion of made up people just DYING to talk to you about “pro feminine gamers see the best explosions in mass effect HOT TIT PICTURES”!