I HATE the last week of the season. How long will teams with spots in the playoffs sewn up keep their starters in for? Which non playoff team will get more hyped for their game against another non playoff team? It tends to be a frustrating mess.

Of course, after last week’s 7-9 debacle (putting me at 153-87 on the year) it doesn’t seem I’m all that good at making picks in regular weeks, anyway.

New England over Miami – Normally, I’d take the Dolphins here since New England already has the #1 spot in the conference nailed down. However, Miami absolutely mailed it in against Detroit last week, so I’m expecting a repeat here (something that will likely bring an end to the employment of Tony Sparano and his witness protection program look in Miami).

Atlanta over Carolina – This pick is made simply on the basis that the Panthers are atrocious. They already have the #1 pick in the next draft nailed down, and are two games worse than every other piece of shit at the bottom of the NFL standings.

Detroit over Minnesota – The Lions showed me last week that they’re going to play hard through the end of the year, and seem to be focused on trying to get their performances up for next season. Minnesota is probably going to toss the aged statue known as Grampa Favre out there as some sort of pathetic Last Chance to See the Has Been! ‘gift’ to the fans. I think most people would rather he just message them cell phone pics of his dick.

Pittsburgh over Cleveland – The Steelers are fighting to win the division. The Browns are fighting to get Eric Mangini fired.

Oakland over Kansas City – The Raiders lose when expected to win, and they win when expected to lose. Since the Chiefs probably would be the favourite here, I’ll take Oakland to pull out the win.

New Orleans over Tampa Bay – The Bucs have been astoundingly good for such an inexperienced team this year. The Saints finally seem to be rounding in to form, aside from Drew Brees inexplicably throwing 20 picks and counting on the season. That’s as likely as Dubya suddenly re-emerging as a respected economist.

Baltimore over Cincinnati – The Ravens are fighting to win the NFC North. The Bengals stopped trying about 9 weeks ago. Don’t be fooled by their upset of San Diego last week…that can be attributed to the Chargers being under the stewardship of the constantly confused looking Norv Turner. And who can blame him his lack of understanding of the world when he doesn’t even have a real name?

Buffalo over New York Jets – Oh hi, Jets. You really haven’t done jack shit the last little while, have you? Bring on the ultimate shaming…a loss to the Buffalo Bills, the little team that could if they could only close out games and win them. Did you know that supposed great quarterback Mark Sanchez has thrown 13 dropped interceptions this year? What a star. Rex Ryan’s shame spiral after losing to Chan Gailey will probably be sufficient enough that he’ll spend 3 days eating cheesecake and jacking off to pictures of feet.

New York Giants over Washington – Surely New York can beat this mess of a team? Surely?

Indianapolis over Tennessee – The Titans are rapidly spiralling downward in to the same sort of disaster that the Redskins are.

Green Bay over Chicago – I simply cannot believe that Jay Cutler and Mike Martz don’t have one more bottle of “What the fuck are they doing?!” waiting to be uncorked.

San Francisco over Arizona – This is a barn burner. As in put these teams in a barn, seal it shut and light it on fire. The Niners will win simply because the incompetent ass known as Mike Singletary is not the head coach any longer. Make Jimmy the towel boy the head coach and it would probably be a better choice.

Philadelphia over Dallas – One is a playoff team. The other is quarterbacked by a guy named Stephen McGee.

San Diego over Denver – The Chargers absolutely shit the bed against Cincinnati, but I think that even they can manage to throw for about 6,000 yards against the absolutely worthless defense of the Denver Broncos.

Houston over Jacksonville – Jacksonville’s quarterback? Trent Edwards. Better to just forfeit the game now and save on travel expenses.

Seattle over St. Louis – Because the fucking Seahawks will find a way to slither in to the fucking playoffs, where they will be smashed by any team brought in from a Pop Warner league.