Last week’s record : 11-5
Season mark : 146-78
Pittsburgh over Carolina – This isn’t even a game, since games usually require some sort of actual competition, and there certainly won’t be any of that in this travesty. This should be an absolute beating. Set up a boxing match between Tyson in his prime and an infant and you pretty much have this game. If the Steelers win by less than 17 points they should be taken out back and shot.
Dallas over Arizona – Merry Christmas from the NFL! Here, take this lump of old shit in your stocking! From the millions of NFL fans being handed this for a Christmas Day game, allow me to speak to Roger Goodell : FUCK YOU! Dallas should win, not that it matters at all.
New England over Buffalo – The Buffalo Bills have sated themselves by crushing the hopes and dreams of the Miami Dolphins. New England will likely roll out with a win, but they also don’t exactly have a ton to play for at this point so they might start pulling starters.
Chicago over New York Jets – This is actually a fairly tough game to call, so it came down to one thing : Mark Sanchez panics when pressured. Put a defender anywhere near him and he shows all the poise of a Don Knotts character. And with that offensive line in front of him, he is going to be pressured by Chicago.
St. Louis over San Francisco – Combined record : 11-17. Yet both of them are still in the running to win this train wreck of a division. Can we please go Defcon 1 on the NFC West? Nobody will miss any of these clubs. Let them get in the air on the way to their next matchup, then shoot them down…in to a lake of acid…that you then light on fire. We have to be sure!
Jacksonville over Washington – Let’s see : The Redskins locker room is a divided mess, their ‘star’ defensive tackle was suspended due to having to opt out of a game because of a hangover, nobody on offense thinks their coordinator got the job for any reason other than the Head Coach shot the load that resulted in him, and the defense doesn’t fit their scheme. Aside from that, they’re a GREAT team. I think Rex Grossman checked in his magical ‘spend me for a brief glimmer of success!’ card last week and will return to the lovable mess that he was in Chicago. Jags win.
Miami over Detroit – These are games that are always hard to pick. Miami is the better team, but they no longer have anything to play for. Detroit on the other hand might just get revved up enough to pull out a victory. I’ll still take the Dolphins, but I’m not exactly confident in the choice. Their 1-6 home record isn’t helping.
Baltimore over Cleveland – A banged up Peyton Hillis in Cleveland? Baltimore wins by epic slaughter.
Kansas City over Tennessee – The Titans have been an inconsistent mess all year. Their defense has dropped off, they keep playing musical chairs at the quarterback position thanks to injuries and Vince Young being a sucky baby, and it turns out that Chris Johnson isn’t the greatest thing to ever be made ever (despite what he’d tell you). Oh, and Randy Moss is apparently on the team…I can confirm that by the number of times per broadcast that the announcers say things like “We haven’t seen much from Randy Moss today.” or “Randy Moss really needs to make a play here.” The Chiefs can run all day, their quarterback is back, and their defense is playing well.
Houston over Denver – The Texans have actually fallen below mediocrity and are kinda playing like shit right now. But after seeing how pathetic and worthless Denver’s defense was last week against the Raiders, I cannot pick them to win a game. Put them against eleven wheels of cheese, and I’m on the Gouda bandwagon.
Oakland over Indianapolis – I get nervous about picking the Raiders to win big games, because they tend to remember in these instances that Jason Campbell is their quarterback and Tom Cable is their head coach and absolutely collapse like one of Cable’s girlfriends when they make him angry. But the Colts haven’t been able to stop the run all year, and the Oakland pass defense is actually pretty good.
San Diego over Cincinnati – The Bengals are a joke. I mean, they used to lose back in the day when everyone called them the Bungles, but that was because of awful talent and hilariously bad management. They actually have players now, but the coaching sucks and the entire team mailed it in sometime around Week 5. The Chargers are flawed, but they should be able to skull fuck this empty vessel in orange helmets…and I’m betting that the Bengals lack the will to make them stop.
Tampa Bay over Seattle – It’s the Seahawks. Always bet against the Seahawks.
New York Giants over Green Bay – Even if Aaron Rodgers does play, his brains have been scrambled once this year and his team can’t run the ball. So it’s throw all day against a defense geared around rushing the quarterback. Could be ugly to watch.
Philadelphia over Minnesota – This was a VERY easy pick to make after seeing the Joe Webb show last week. His repertoire seems to be throwing beautiful off the mark spirals in to the hands of loving defensive players on the other team. I think his performance might actually make Vikings fans wish Tarvaris Jackson was playing.
Atlanta over New Orleans – While the Falcons have piled up wins with good team play, the Saints have turned it over a lot and played generally shit defense all year. Drew Brees should do well against a weak Atlanta pass defense, but what have the Saints got that will even slow Atlanta down?
