I was correct with my Thursday night selection…don’t hate the messenger, Liam…hate the message. Anyway, here’s the rest of the week.
Minnesota over Buffalo – I don’t get why Favre is still playing. I really don’t. He’s done. The team is done. Don’t they need to see if Tarvaris Jackson might have learned something to make him at least a decent stop gap quarterback? It’s like the Vikings have contracted some sort of organizational version of Alzheimer’s and they think they’re the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers or someone else good. Anyway, all that said I just can’t see Buffalo’s woefully under-talented defense doing much in this game. I think it will be close, though.
Miami over Cleveland – There is only one compelling thing about this game : the nickname of Cleveland power runner Peyton Hillis is apparently ‘The White Rhino’. That’s just awesome. Even better, he really is the embodiment of everything that “Go go Rhino!” was meant to mean. There we go…a joke only Liam will get.
Jacksonville over Tennessee – I actually think that the Titans have a decent chance to win…except for the quarterback position. Rusty Smith looked like a scared nobody being thrown to the wolves last week, which was appropriate since it’s what he was. I don’t see him suddenly turning in to a confident player and competent passer. And if Kerry Collins plays, it’s on a messed up leg that will somehow accomplish the impossible and make him LESS mobile. This is a man who would normally lose a foot race to a statue.
New Orleans over Cincinnati – The Bengals have 100% mailed it in. How come nobody talks about what a reprehensible pile of shit this team has become? They’re easily as disappointing as the Cowboys and Vikings this year. Because of all of that, this could be a royal ass kicking.
Kansas City over Denver – Let’s break this down as a battle of coaches. KC has Todd Haley, a man with the sort of “I can’t BELIEVE you fucked up like that!” stare that could melt holes through the Earth itself. Denver has Josh McDaniels, a man who wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Tiger Beat. Oh, and the Chiefs run the ball really well while Denver’s defense doesn’t always seem to get that it’s not supposed to let the other team run all over it.
New York Giants over Washington – The Redskins have an out of shape quarterback, a coach who doesn’t like him much, and no running game. Their cast of receivers after #1 guy Santana Moss may as well be the cast of a Spanish soap opera (which are awesome, by the way. Lots of emotional speeches and chest thumping and tits) in terms of name recognition. Their defense is playing a scheme that doesn’t fit their personnel. The Giants, on the other hand, are good…and that’s with a quarterback that looks like he stumbled off a short bus and in to Giants Stadium.
Chicago over Detroit – The Bears are hot right now, so I suspect they and their asshole quarterback will stomp all over the young Lions with their half a defense and a passer who is apparently made of papier mache.
Green Bay over San Francisco – The Packers keep rolling despite their total lack of a running game. The Niners keep losing despite their possession of a pretty good running game…well, until their starter went down for the year with a hip injury last week. That leaves it in the hands of a banged up re-tread and a kid nobody’s heard of. And their quarterbacks seem puzzled by things like reading a defense. Oh, and their coach is a screaming idiot.
San Diego over Oakland – I’m nervous about this pick. The Raiders seem to have remembered that their coaching and game plans suck and that their quarterback is once again Jason Campbell. On the other hand, the Chargers ALWAYS lose games like this with coach Norv Turner on the sidelines looking perplexed. I think the man might find sporks baffling. Still, the Chargers are playing better right now so I’ll go with the hot hand.
Atlanta over Tampa Bay – The ‘plucky’ young Bucs. I hate that. And they’ll never shake it. Christ, there are writers who still call Derek Jeter plucky and his prime ended half a decade ago. Anyway, pluck doesn’t beat talent.
Indianapolis over Dallas – The Colts are free falling. The Cowboys are a mess. Which screwed up disaster will right itself? The loss of one receiver after another seems to be affecting Peyton Manning…seriously, have they recruited the team’s charter pilot and the son of that lady in accounting to catch some passes yet? But the Cowboys haven‘t done anything to slow down the pass all year (Seriously, where is DeMarcus Ware?! Is his face on milk cartons yet?), so this should be a good game to rehab the Colt offense.
St. Louis over Arizona – Depressingly, this game between the 5-6 Rams and 3-8 Cardinals could have division title ramifications. At least the Rams are heading up…does anyone know what in the fuck the plan is in Arizona? Should we start emailing suggestions to their personnel department?
Seattle over Carolina – It really says something about a team when I pick the Seahawks to beat them, but the Panthers are clearly gunning for the #1 pick at this point. Just an atrocious mess of a football team.
Baltimore over Pittsburgh – It’s big time slobber knocker #1! The Ravens won the first game, but the Steelers didn’t have Ben Roethlisberger in the line up seeing as he was serving a suspension for basically being a drunken dickbag. He’s back this time, but dealing with a foot that may or may not have been broken when the team had him PUNT last week. Seriously. Couple that with the Ravens being at home, and I see Baltimore pulling out the season sweep.
New England over New York Jets – It’s slobber knocker #2! I am sickened with all the nicey nice bullshit coming from both locker rooms. Where’s the trash talk? Where’s the scathing mockery from the coaches? WHAT THE FUCK?! I want a rivalry, not a goddamn tea party! Anyway, I am blown away at the Patriots offense this year. I think Tom Brady can make enough plays to win it…and again, the Pats are at home. That is, unless the Jets learn from Bible stories and get someone to sneak in to Brady’s hotel room, cut his hair, and remove his powers to blow up a defense.