It’s Thanksgiving in the States, a day for birds stuffed in birds…and crappy football games!
New England over Detroit – Now, this game is actually underway as I type this. However, the team I’m picking to win is down 17-10. I think that changes soon. The Lions defense will eventually become so enamoured with Tom Brady’s mullet of awesomeness that they are unable to continue abusing him. They’ll watch with tears of joy in their eyes as his hair flows just so with the light hitting it in just the right way…while he heaves touchdown passes over their heads.
New Orleans over Dallas – We possibly get to witness Jason Garrett’s first absorbed ass kicking as a head coach. I doubt he’ll be half as entertaining as Wade Phillips was, which just makes me sad. You’ve ruined Thanksgiving, Dallas! Ruined it!
New York Jets over Cincinnati – So, despite the fact their team is 2-8, Bengals Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco continue producing videos where they try to talk smack on members of teams with good records. Really? Seriously? Christ, TO was found wanting BY THE BUFFALO BILLS. Ocho has turned himself in to the league’s most famous #2 receiver. I bet heat coming from those two is positively SEARING. And seeing as I’ve spent the past few sentences mocking two past their prime idiots, that should give some idea as to how ‘well’ those Bengals should do in this one.
Atlanta over Green Bay – The Falcons have proved a lot over the past few weeks, and they’re at home. The Packers keep winning, but I think the myriad injuries the team has been dealing with catch up to them here. And since this synopsis is reading far too seriously : poo.
Pittsburgh over Buffalo – Ah, the Buffalo Bills. They try real hard, and the offense is actually playing decent ball…except for their shitty offensive tackles…and that might prove to be an issue against a team with outside pass rushers. The defense flat out sucks the ass of John Madden.
Cleveland over Carolina – Battle of the juggernauts! Witness the thrill as two teams with a combined record of 4-16 fight for the right to not be the biggest pile of shit at the end of the year! Carolina should lose this game, and they should lose it handily. They truly have one of the worst rosters of ‘talent’ I have ever seen, particularly their offense.
Houston over Tennessee – Rusty Smith. That is the name of the rookie who might start at quarterback for the Tennessee Titans. Rusty is the name of a giraffe on The Friendly Giant, not an NFL quarterback. Unless this Rusty brought a giant or two with him, this is going to be a loss for his team. Even the spineless Houston Texans should be able to muster up enough something to beat the Titans this week.
New York Giants over Jacksonville – The Jags are 6-4. They lead the AFC South. I could not possibly explain to you how either of these things has happened. The defense has played fairly well (aside from anyone who has lined up at safety all season long), and the offense is starting to light things up. That won’t happen against New York. I expect Jag quarterbacks to fall under piles of blue shirts so often it looks like some sort of NFL themed version of a gay gang bang. I don’t see the Jags having much success at all on offense. New York will throw deep on the crap safeties.
Washington over Minnesota – It’s the battle of two teams that thought they were more than they are! Will Grampa Favre start? If so, will he throw his second pick before half time? Or will Tarvaris Jackson start? Will he throw HIS second pick before half time? I don’t think Washington is anything exceptional, but Minnesota is done.
Oakland over Miami – The Raiders will rebound from the blasting they took from the Steelers last week to knock off the Dolphins, even with Jason Campbell remembering that he is, in fact, Jason Campbell. Miami doesn’t know who is starting at quarterback, Brandon Marshall has an ouchie suffered from too much histrionic whining in they last game, and the defense is brutally inconsistent. I see the Raiders running for about 160 yards and pulling out a 6 point win.
Kansas City over Seattle – I wouldn’t feel too secure about this pick, except for the fact that the Seahawks defense seems to be regressing as the season goes on. I have a feeling the Chiefs are going to run for a LOT of yards in this game, and Dwayne Bowe will probably have made every defensive back on the Seattle roster his bitch before the first quarter is out.
Baltimore over Tampa Bay – Hello, upstart Bucs! Enjoy the road game against an AFC powerhouse. Don’t worry, your moms will still like you after you’ve been pounded in to meat.
Philadelphia over Chicago – I hate the Bears. I can’t help it…I just fucking hate them. And it does affect my picks at times…like now! I want the Eagles to throttle them. I want them to actually hold Jay Cutler down and rape him on the field, then find the nearest camera and shout “I’m going to Disneyland!” in to it. It would totally be worth it. And if someone could pulverise Mike Martz, that’d work for me as well. I sense Chicago’s defense having issues with Michael Vick…
Denver over St. Louis – Can the Rams defend the pass? Really, that’s what decides this entire game. I don’t think they can. At least, I don’t think they can do so consistently enough for 4 quarters. The Rams will get their yards and their points, but the Broncos will keep chucking it down the field and scoring on them.
Indianapolis over San Diego – Peyton Manning won’t accept consecutive losses! Using the uberbrain inside that massive melon of his, he will mentally empower everyone in a Colts uniform to combat the douche powers of Phillip Rivers. Plus, the Colts can rush the passer, and that’s going to be a problem for a Chargers team that apparently believes that running the ball is an affront to God.
San Francisco over Arizona – How in the fuck is THIS heap the Monday night game?! Nobody thought the Cardinals would be worth a damn this year, and the Niners were expected to be a 9-7 team at best! Jesus! This is like Derek Jeter announcing that he’s done with hot ladies and is now engaged to a 345 pound trailer park mom of 7 (with 6 different dads) named Glenda! Hideous. It will be hideous. Except hearing Jon Gruden try to say anyone involved in this affair is a great player. THAT will be amusing.
