I’m already off to stellar start, with my early game pick losing 16-0. Weee!

Buffalo over Cincinnati – Witness as the horrible meets the execrable in a war to push harder for the #1 pick in next year’s draft! The Bengals do have more talent, but that hasn’t meant much of anything thus far. I’ll give it to the Bills at home. They tend to at least keep it close most of the time. And I enjoy watching Terrell Owens lose.

Kansas City over Arizona – The KC Chiefs aren’t quite a powerhouse, but the Arizona Cardinals are terrible. They got their asses kicked last week by SEATTLE. If the Seahawks knock you around the field for most of a game, you have no business being referred to as anything resembling a decent football team.

Green Bay over Minnesota – Witness the game that could very well be the final time anyone is ever forced to watch Brett Favre hobble around, look old and throw ridiculous interceptions. If Minnesota loses, there is no reason left to keep sending Gramps out there. Let me put that in perspective : If they lose, starting Tarvaris Jackson actually becomes the right choice. I’ll be honest and say that this pick is at least partly based on desperately wanting to see Mr. One Year Too Many and his squad get crushed like fucking bugs. I want to see the pain in his aged eyes before he throws on his trifocals and hops on board his Rascal to ride off to the dressing room, a bowl of soup and Murder She Wrote.

Tennessee over Washington – The Redskins got their asses kicked so handily by the Eagles last week, that I think part of that score rolls over in to this week. And now Ryan Torain has gotten hurt again, leaving the ground game in the hands of Clinton “Used up 2 years ago” Portis. Done.

Jacksonville over Cleveland – This game makes me nervous, seeing as the normally bad Browns have wins over the Saints and Patriots this year. Still, they really do suck so long as the Jags can keep Peyton Hillis from running wild over them like Hulkamania. I guess that I think they can.

New York Jets over Houston – This screams “TRAP GAME!” NY comes in fat and happy, Houston actually manages to get pissed off after 2 weak performances, and that’s all she wrote. But I’ve seen so little life from the Texans, especially on defense, the past few weeks that I just don’t fully buy in to it. Houston flat out doesn’t seem to give a shit right now.

Baltimore over Carolina – This is like a debate pitting a Nobel Prize winning physicist against Sarah Palin. Well, it’s like that, only it won’t be funny to watch. This is less of a football game and more of a curb stomping.

Dallas over Detroit – Will the Cowboys continue to give a damn for their new coach? I’m not sure. Is Shaun Hill still the starting quarterback in Detroit? Yep. I can’t get the image of that ridiculously bad last pass he threw last week out of my head. Your grandmother could put more zip on the ball.

Pittsburgh over Oakland – The Raiders are playing shockingly well, but the Steelers looked like stars prior to last week’s debacle against the Pats. I think Pittsburgh bounces back. I suspect that, in the face of a legit pass rush, Jason Campbell will become jumpier than Don Knotts. Probably a close game, but Pittsburgh has better offensive playmakers.

Atlanta over St. Louis – While the Rams are one of those teams referred to as plucky to an obnoxious degree, Atlanta has more talent. The Ram defense seems to be starting to slow down, and that isn’t great for a team about to face Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and the unstoppable pass catching machine known as Roddy White. Seriously, I suspect White may be a Terminator sent from the future to outperform man in the art of catching a football.

San Francisco over Tampa Bay – This is a roll of the dice. The Niners simply aren’t very good, but I think they can pull the upset over the upstart Bucs at home. I have been impressed with the 49er offense since Troy Smith stepped in at quarterback and helped everyone in town remember that the forward pass is actually still an integral part of modern professional football, and the Tampa defense is young enough to make a few stupid mistakes.

New Orleans over Seattle – The Seahawks suck. The Saints, now rounding in to form, don’t.

New England over Indianapolis – I actually think that this one is pretty much a toss up, so I’ll give it to the Pats for being the home team. Also, Tom Brady’s flowing locks seem to have imbued them with some sort of bizarre competitive advantage.

New York Giants over Philadelphia – Let’s see what the Eagles can do against a real football team. Since the Giants actually possess one of those elusive ‘pass rush’ things, I don’t imagine Michael Vick will be having the time he had against Washington last week to toss many 80 yard TD bombs. If we were to compare them to comedians, the Giants D is like Denis Leary. Everyone knows who he is, pretty much everyone at least chuckles at some of his stuff. Washington is Rip Torn…a sort of chunky obnoxious fellow who throws some glitter in your face. NY can slow down the Eagles, and they actually have an offense.

San Diego over Denver – Two teams that have forgotten that running the ball is an option go to war! Watch as the ball spends 58 minutes of a 60 minute game suspended in the air! It’s the game that hates gravity!