Remember last week, when I said that by gloating over my 10-4 mark in Week 7 I was dooming myself in mediocrity? The results on Week 8 : 8-5. Better than I expected from fate, actually.

New York Jets over Detroit – I’d love to pick the Lions here, and this really looks like a potential trap game for the Jets…but I can’t. I figure New York is likely to be angry over how horribly they played in last week’s loss to the Packers. That doesn’t bode well for a Detroit team that still has some building to do before they’re legit. I do think this will be a close game, because Detroit will pressure Mark Sanchez enough to remind everyone that he isn’t a great quarterback yet, regardless of how much the NY media makes him out to be.

Atlanta over Tampa Bay – The Atlanta Falcons have been all kinds of inconsistent this year, but I think they’ll right the ship against a Tampa team that’s young enough that part of Raheem Morris’ halftime routine involves diaper checks. Will Roddy White run all over the Tampa defense like Hulkamania on some hapless jabroni? That remains to be seen.

Houston over San Diego – Remember a few years back, when the San Diego Chargers were good? What happened? I mean, they haven’t lost that many of their good players, so…oh, Norv Turner is the coach? Got it. How in the Hell does Norv Turner continue to find employment as a head coach? How many free passes does this dude get for past failures heading a team? Exactly how good is this guy at sucking GM dick? Houston needs the win, and San Diego is so completely and utterly random that they’ll probably get it…or lose by 35. These teams are so damn schizoid that flipping a coin might be a valid method of picking a winner.

Baltimore over Miami – The Miami Dolphins bizarre 4-0 road record is about to come crashing down. Lost in the fact that Miami’s passing game has been surprisingly decent are the struggles of the Dolphin running game. Ronnie Brown has been about as effective at running with the ball this year as Travis Henry was at understanding birth control. A one dimensional offense isn’t going to cut it playing against the Ravens. It might be low scoring, but Baltimore should win this.

New Orleans over Carolina – Why not just rename this game ‘The Slaughter in Charlotte’ and be done with it? Does anyone see the Saints winning by less than about 3 touchdowns in this one? Really? This is like putting a team of pro football players against a roster consisting entirely of the unborn. And another thing…why the Hell is it the Carolina Panthers? THERE IS NO STATE OF CAROLINA! There’s NORTH Carolina (where they play) and South Carolina…no Carolina! No wonder they can’t win, they’re expending all of their energy trying to figure out their freaking identity!

Minnesota over Arizona – As badly as the Vikings have played this year, the Cardinals are a reprehensibly bad football team. No offensive line, no defense, and a running back who might not be able to play because the team doctors shot him full of knee lubricant he’s allergic to. Nice to know the deplorable talent level here extends beyond the player roster. All of that AND Derek Anderson behind center?! What a team! If the Vikings don’t win this in an absolute walk, owner Zygi Wilf should augur the next team flight in to a forest and start rebuilding from scratch.

Buffalo over Chicago – The Bills are 0-7. They’re not a good team. Yet they’ve taken their last couple of opponents right to the wire. The Chicago Bears could win this by running the ball…only Mike Martz sees that as beneath him. Instead, he’ll have Jay Cutler throw about 894 times in this one, with at least 55 of those turning in to picks. Buffalo will win, Cutler will pout and Martz will grumble that nobody understands that he’s a goddamn genius.

New England over Cleveland – Jesus, is Week 9 the official week of ass kickings or something? Yet another game that really has no business being interesting from about the mid-point of the third quarter on.

New York Giants over Seattle – The Giants pass rush is going to smash whoever starts at quarterback for Seattle. I don’t see the Seahawk ground game bowling over NY, either. That doesn’t leave too many ways to win. The best Seahawk defensive lineman was just shut down for the season for being too good for such a mediocre franchise. This MIGHT be close…but it’s more likely to look like what happens when a fast moving freight train meets a goat on the tracks.

Indianapolis over Philadelphia – After all of the QB changes in Philly, I have officially lost track of who exactly is starting this week. Andy Reid has been playing Three Card Monte with his passers for so long that I think even he’s confused about who the Hell is going in for this game (not that that’s saying much. Reid often has a facial expression that makes him look about as intelligent as oak). And you can’t tell me that the Eagles offense isn’t a bit out of sync due to this. The Colts keep pouring it on teams regardless of who is out of their line up. I am beginning to believe that Peyton Manning could put up 300 yards and 2 TD passes with the cast of Jersey Shore playing receiver and Screech lining up at halfback.

Oakland over Kansas City – After the absolute floggings the Raiders have delivered upon the Broncos and Seahawks, I’m sorta kinda becoming a believer. Whatever dark gods Al Davis has been sacrificing people to for all those years have finally decided to pay up their end of the bargain. Christ, JASON CAMPBELL looks good. There is no rational explanation for THAT happening aside from evil. The Chiefs have had a good season thus far, but pluck and talent don’t tend to fare well when matched against demonic machinations.

Green Bay over Dallas – The best part of watching Cowboys games : Wade Phillips’ amusing befuddled expression. It’s there all the time…good plays, bad plays, time outs…he genuinely doesn’t ever seem to have a grasp on what in the Hell is going on. I’d imagine you’d see the same look if he was ordering at a restaurant, taking a leak, sleeping or petting a cat. The bad part of the equation : exposure to the hideous visage of Jerry Jones and it’s warning against getting a facelift. Jon Kitna last week had the first ever 4 interception game that I simply cannot blame the quarterback for. 3 of them came from receivers bobbling a perfectly thrown pass that hit them right on the hands…seriously, your job is to catch the ball. DO IT. The Cowboy defense has completely disappeared, and Wade would love for someone to return it if they come across them somewhere. The Packers keep finding ways to win with 75 players on injured reserve.

Pittsburgh over Cincinnati – Remember when Carson Palmer looked like the next franchise quarterback?  Did Marvin Lewis misplace that guy, and now somebody else is pretending to be Carson? What the Hell is going on there? The Bengals have completely fallen apart as a football team. Pittsburgh should have as much difficulty with destroying them as most people have spreading soft butter on warm toast. Hmmm…maybe I’m a little hungry…