Def Jam : Rapstar came out not that long ago. It’s basically a rap karaoke game. Okay, so far we’re good. Licensed tracks, the associated music videos playing while you rap along…good. Hulk Hogan rapping is apparently part of the marketing plan.

What?

Who thought of this? Is there some sort of crossover between fans of ancient professional wrestlers and those who want to rap along to lyrics on a screen? Have the Hulkamaniacs started slamming down sizzurp and throwing down battle rhymes in the parking lots of wrestling events? And if so, what has gotten in to the drinking water of that certain segment of the human race?

The video defies description. Hulk is trying desperately (emphasis on DESPERATELY) to come off like a cliche gangsta rapper throughout this mess. I don’t know why. Did his last body slam pop something in his brain? Then the track begins, and he starts ad libbing some sort of custom Hulkster intro track with all of the grace of a rambling homeless man babbling about ‘them bastards out to get him!’ Anyone else suspect that Hulk was flashing $4 at the camera?

Oh look, Jimmy Hart is doing…what the fuck is he doing? Is he supposed to be Hulkster’s posse? And seriously, WHAT IS HE DOING with that controller? Wait a minute…is he controlling Hulk Hogan with it? Shazbot! Jimmy Hart has potentially turned Hulk Hogan in to his robot slave! We may have solved this mystery…lord knows Jimmy Hart needs a damn paycheque, and he’s bringing his robot along for the gravy train opportunities.

Brooke Hogan is there to do what Brooke Hogan is always there to do : look hot. Is it sadder that her ‘career’ consists of being Hulk’s hot daughter, or that he apparently needs to drag his kid out as a hot piece of ass to get a little more attention these days? Does she wear those boots just generally around the house on a regular basis? Not complaining really, just curious.

And on the subject of the house : Was this shot on a porn set? That would explain the sleazebag ambience that a sort of lecherous looking Jimmy Hart in the corner definitely adds to. Also explains why nobody sits on the couch. Honestly, that location reeks of a place where about 700 gang bang pics have been recorded. I bet the place stinks of desperation, sweat, jizz crust and lost hopes and dreams. And I like how the curtains are drawn to avoid this being seen…yet they then released it in video form to be seen. Continuity error…CONTINUITY ERROR!

And now we reach the most important question of all : Why in the Hell does he flash his joint to the camera (Thank whatever you consider Holy for censor bars! I do not need to see his withered Hulkamania running wild, thanks)? Why does he do so while giving a “Hey, yo!” that Tony Danza would be proud of? Is he drunk? Who flashes their wang WITH THEIR DAUGHTER IN THE ROOM? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE, AND WHY?!

This is one of the most inexplicable 92 seconds of anything that I have ever been exposed to. Errr…considering what happens in this mess, perhaps a better word than exposed should have been chosen…ugh. Is this supposed to sell units of the game? THIS? Are they going for a “Hey, you HAVE to be better than this motherfucker!” sort of angle?

Def Jam Rapstar…if this wrinkled, over-tanned dick flasher can do it, ANYONE can. Speaking of anyone, Randy “Macho Man” Savage callin’ yo ass out, punk! It’s the battle of the shittiest rhymes around!