10-4 last week…THAT’S more like it. And yes, I realize that I’ve just jinxed this week by talking that up.

New Orleans over Cleveland – Well Hello, Saints offense! Nice to see you guys finally show up. Say, since you’re here anyway, have you met the Cleveland Browns? They can’t stop shit! And I mean that literally…they would have great difficulty stopping eleven piles of excrement from scoring a couple of touchdowns against them. You two should get along famously.

Kansas City over Jacksonville – These are the Jaguars quarterback options for this week : Patrick Ramsey, Trent Edwards and Todd Bouman. It’s like a K-Tel collection of a couple of modern football’s greatest failures, with a bonus track from a never was. On the other side of the coin, the Jags can defend the run…they can’t cover the pass. That’s what happens when your safeties are a collection of raw nobodies.

Chicago over Washington – The Redskins just aren’t very good on defense. They inevitably give up the big play, in part because they’re out there all damn day and wear out. Why’s that? They have no offensive consistency. The blocking is all over the place, and the passing game is scattershot because their #2 wide out is…umm…okay, I actually have to look this up…JOEY GALLOWAY?! He’s about 49 years old! He last made a play 6 years ago! I’ve heard of throwback offenses, but they usually refer to a smash mouth style rather than a starting line up that used to be good. The Bears are a mess, but less of one than the Skins.

Pittsburgh over Miami – This is the toughest pick of the week. Both teams are playing well, both teams are passing well, both teams are running well and both teams are smacking people down on defense. For me, this comes down to a better starter at QB.

Atlanta over Cincinnati – Battle of the schizophrenics! Which team will remember their meds and actually play to their talent level?! Multiple personality disorder sufferers are more consistent than any of these teams so far this year, but at least Atlanta can run the football well. Cedric Benson…your time in the sun already appears to be over.

St. Louis over Tampa Bay – One team is surprisingly decent. The other is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Steven Jackson should rip through this young defense like a knife through air.

Baltimore over Buffalo – The Ravens vs. the league’s worst run defense. I see Ryan Fitzpatrick spending more time on his back than a porn star. I see the Bills running backs racking up a whole pile of nothing. I see an ass kicking.

San Francisco over Carolina – Won your first game last week? The Carolina Panthers can help with your attempts to tie a couple of victories together! The Panthers have a nonexistent passing attack that makes them easy to defend AND promise to not play very good defense. Sign up today and we’ll throw in a free dose of minor respectability!

Tennessee over Philadelphia – The Eagles looked very good last week, but I just don’t buy in to Kevin Kolb yet. The Titans pass rush will test him hard. I also don’t see Philly defending the run well…they can put heat on the quarterback, but the Titans would be content to run the ball every single down if they could. And they might do it here.

Seattle over Arizona – Not very good usually beats putrid. The Arizona Cardinals offense is an abysmal failure. Their defense, crappy as it is, would probably rank #1 in the league if their practices against their own offense counted towards the stats. I really don’t like the Seahawks, but this should be a win for the scourge from Seattle.

Denver over Oakland – Jason Campbell or Kyle Boller will start behind center for Oakland. That’s essentially waving the white flag before the game even starts. I do think the Raider defense will keep this close for awhile, but I can’t see them doing much in the way of scoring here.

New England over San Diego – The Chargers seem to have forgotten how to play football. Of course, that isn’t a huge surprise…head coach Norv Turner often looks confused as to how to use his headset on the sideline. Or perhaps he’s trying to decide where to eat after the game. Whatever it is that fills his head, it certainly doesn’t look to be a big dose of smart. The Patriots are going to give up some points here, but San Diego’s defense has only looked impressive against Arizona : I’d be more impressed by them stomping a mud hole in the nuns at Sister Mary’s School for Miscreants during a charity scrimmage.

Minnesota over Green Bay – I HATE this pick. I HATE Grampa Favre. I HATE the Minnesota Vikings. I HATE Brad Childress, a man who makes Norv Turner look smart by comparison. But until Green Bay starts running the ball at all well, their red zone offense will continue to fail. Ted Thompson not getting Marshawn Lynch from Buffalo might be the dumbest non-move of the year so far.

New York Giants over Dallas – The Cowboys season is really pretty much over. I don’t see some of the guys from that team continuing to put in an effort now that they’re essentially dead. And even if they do, a bad offensive line is going to get Tony Romo killed.