Last week was an abomination. 7-7, bringing my overall mark to a pitiful 42-34. And it isn’t just me who‘s struggling. EVERYONE is putting up sub par choices this year because this season was delivered straight from the bowels of Satan himself. Who the fuck knows what’s going on this year? And yet, I still pick…because I must. And because I haven’t been blogging much else lately.

Atlanta over Philadelphia – The Eagles perfectly personify what a schizoid mess of a season this has been thus far. One week, they look like champs. The next, chumps. I expect the latter this week. Their Munchkin sized defense is fast and active against the pass, but I think Atlanta’s power game will stomp all over them on the way to see the Wizard (The Wizard being a really atrocious and forced euphemism for a win).

Pittsburgh over Cleveland – The return of not so consensual sex magnate Ben Roethlisberger to the Pittsburgh offense means their passing game is a great big case of “Who the fuck knows?” this week. Luckily, the Cleveland ‘defense’ (technically speaking, they are a defense…in terms of quality of play…meh…) is likely to put a lot less pressure on him than he does on somewhat drunken co-eds in bar bathrooms. And the Cleveland offense remains a pitiful mess, with lone running threat Peyton Hillis still gimped with a leg injury and the third string quarterback stepping in to the line up.

New York Giants over Detroit – The Lions pulled off the win over the Rams last week in HUGE order. I don’t see a repeat here. The Giants pass rushers will leap upon Detroit quarterbacks and feast on their entrails like hungry lions (haha!), totally unimpeded by a collection of Detroit blockers who frequently don’t get that blocking generally entails keeping the other team AWAY from your guys. And with approximately 1,714 quality receivers to throw to, Eli Manning is guaranteed to have open men downfield against a Lion secondary that could be replaced with ventriloquist dummies with no noticeable drop in play.

Baltimore over New England – It’s a talented team vs. the team that brought Deion Branch back to the fold. Yeah. The Patriot defense is still a disaster, and I don’t think Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis (who needs to be indicted for using up too many names) can put up yards running on the Ravens.

Miami over Green Bay – The Packers are a one dimensional passing team whose quarterback left the field with a concussion last week. Miami can rush the passer. Put those things together and I don’t anticipate a full day from Aaron Rodgers. Miami isn’t going to have it easy against a tough Packer defense, but a few yards beats the approximately negative 13 yards the Packers should gain once Rodgers is inevitably knocked out of the game.

St. Louis over San Diego – Is this still an upset call with the way the Chargers have shit the bed this year? Sure, the Rams looked awful against the Lions last week, but it isn’t like San Diego has done jack all this year. They can’t run the ball, they can’t block, and their defense sometimes seems confused by such complex concepts as ‘tackling’ and ‘covering a receiver’. This will probably be a hideous abomination of a game that should have been aborted in the first quarter.

New Orleans over Tampa Bay – The Saints continue to look generally horrible on offense. Their 30-16 loss last week was the responsibility of an offensive unit that handed the Arizona defense 2 touchdowns, and turned the ball over deep in their own end another time. But they can’t do that two weeks in a row…can they? I’m betting no, but I’m not exactly confident in this choice. The Saints look to have as much of a grasp on things as Crazy Uncle Earl when he goes full flashback mode and starts diving under the couch where the Jerries can’t find him.

Houston over Kansas City – Has any winning team been hindered more by it’s offense than the Kansas City Chiefs? Sure they can run the ball, but Matt Cassel is a bad enough quarterback that KC is probably looking in to some sort of zombie resurrection of Len Dawson for an improvement at the position (Turns out Len isn’t dead. Who knew?). But that defense…good grief. Again, this is a pick I’m not super confident in because Houston doesn’t seem to remember that the point is to WIN football games. I’m rolling the dice on sheer desperation on the part of the Texans making the difference.

Chicago over Seattle – Jay Cutler should be back, saving everyone from watching Todd Collins put on his football costume and pretend to be a quarterback again. I know I say this a lot, but I actually truly believe that I could have performed better than Todd last week (6 of 16 for 34 yards and 4 picks). Seattle continues to basically not be very good. Marshawn Lynch has never looked like a legit #1 running back to me, though he should help. And perhaps his infusion of gold teeth will help the team with it’s cred when they hit the streets. It probably won’t help here, unless Brian Urlacher knocks some of them out and leaves the game to pawn them.

New York Jets over Denver – Welcome to the game known as the “Who the fuck saw this happening?” quarterback bowl. Kyle Orton is one of the most prolific passers in the league this year. This is a dude previously best known for an impressive neck beard, and now he’s suddenly piling up yards like Dan Marino. Mark Sanchez hasn’t thrown a pick this year! That seemed about as likely as Derek Jeter announcing he’s tired of fucking the girls of the Maxim Hot 100 list and is now looking for a fat chick with a good personality. Sadly for neck beard aficionados everywhere, the Jets have a defense.

San Francisco over Oakland – This is maybe my craziest pick of the week. The Niners are an 0-5 train wreck with Alex Smith at quarterback. The Raiders are actually a decent team with a good running game and tough defense. I just see them getting a little too proud of themselves for a team with Jason Campbell starting behind center this week. It will be hideous, and the Niners will ‘win’ in the same manner that everyone ‘wins’ at the Special Olympics.

Dallas over Minnesota – The Cowboys are a mess, but their quarterback hasn’t turned in to a doddering, rambling old codger in the course of an off season. Brett Favre couldn’t look more befuddled if he was asked to deconstruct the Theory of Relativity…or was asked to read a defense, for that matter. And suddenly Mr. Ironman is grousing that his elbow has a boo boo…coincidentally as the season falls to shit in front of him. I think the Cowboys simply want this game more…the Vikings are more interested in getting home early for soup and Matlock.

Indianapolis over Washington – The Redskins cannot defend the pass. The Colts live and die by passing the football. Fin.

Tennessee over Jacksonville – As a Jaguar fan, I have to ask…how in the Hell did this game get to be a Monday nighter? Seriously? Like someone at the NFL scheduling office foresaw the Jags being a surprising 3-2? Anyway, the Jax defense is still not good against the run, and that plays to the Titans strengths of not having Vince Young throw passes.