9-5 last week…let’s hear it for fewer games that I can screw up and get wrong! So I’m now 35-27 on the year. And with some tough calls this week, that might not improve much. Bring on the self shaming!

Buffalo over Jacksonville – I HATE matchups between two bad teams, because who the fuck knows which team of also-rans gets up to play the other? Anyway, it’s in Buffalo, and as much as I mocked their switch to Ryan Fitzpatrick I have to admit the offense has looked good with him at the helm. Meanwhile, the man he replaced…Trent Edwards…goes from watching him play from Buffalo’s bench to watching him play from Jacksonville’s bench. Both defenses are pretty bad. I’ll give it to the Bills just based on home field.

New York Giants over Houston – Another tough one. The Houston Texans bounced back last week with a win against the Raiders, but they let Oakland score 24 points. A firepower comparison between the offenses of New York and Oakland would consist of a Blitzkrieg of tanks on one side (though they haven’t found the shells for the guns yet this year), and a single stationary teddy bear on the other. Meanwhile, New York is fresh from knocking TWO quarterbacks out of Chicago’s line-up with physical beatings, and Houston’s pass protection hasn’t exactly been all that great.

Indianapolis over Kansas City – I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with the Colts this year, but there is no way the Chiefs can keep winning and winning with fluke plays and weird circumstances…unless they’ve made a collective deal with Satan. In that case, all bets are off. The Colts should win this football game…but who the Hell knows if that means anything this year?

Cincinnati over Tampa Bay – The Bucs got off to a hot start against bad teams, but they simply don’t have the firepower to compete with talent. Their running backs consist of a man who has had his knees put back together about 16 times and two kids nobody has ever heard of before. The rest of their offense is young enough that I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re screaming for Justin Bieber to sing (This would also require them to be women in disguise…actually, ‘Women in Disguise’ almost sounds like the title for a Transformers porno…). The Bengals are unbelievably inconsistent, but they have enough punch to beat up the kids (in the cases of some of their collection of convicts, this might be literal), and they should still have a week before Terrell Owens starts complaining about not getting the ball enough.

Green Bay over Washington – The Packers have no running game at all and decided not to pick up a back for reasons nobody understands. Unless they diversify their offense, Aaron Rodgers will at some point be brutally killed by pass rushers. That won’t happen this week, though. Washington is a team lacking in any sort of ability to finish a good team off, and Green Bay is a good team.

Detroit over St. Louis – Yes, the Rams have played better this year. Yes, the Lions are winless…but they’ve been very close against very good teams, and I just don’t buy this “The Rams are suddenly good!” nonsense any more than I believe the French will suddenly forget the past 100 years of their history and start showing some spine again. It’s in Detroit, the Lions are really playing well on offense, and I think their defensive line can do some damage against the Rams’ blockers.

Carolina over Chicago – This is my “What the fuck is he on?!” pick for this week. The Carolina Panthers are absolutely atrocious, especially on offense. BUT the Bears just got two of their quarterbacks killed, Mike Martz proved that he’s a horrid offensive coordinator who stares slack jawed and clueless when the need for adjustments appear, and they’re starting TODD COLLINS at quarterback this week. Todd wasn’t good when he was Buffalo’s starter THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. And it isn’t like Chicago’s inept and useless fat mass of an offensive line has magically gotten good. They can’t run block, they can’t pass protect, these guys are a bigger collective failure than Stalinism. Carolina wins a game that will be about as watchable as a Rosie O’Donnell marathon.

Atlanta over Cleveland – I really could just end this by saying “The Browns suck”. They’re awful, a blight on the NFL. Atlanta doesn’t suck. There you go.

Baltimore over Denver – The Denver Broncos are a mess. Josh McDaniels has created the most one dimensional offense that I think I’ve ever seen, and now that “Pass all the time!” desperate mess is matched against a great defense. Ray Lewis and the boys might actually sodomize Kyle Orton on the football field. This could be an absolute pummelling, and I hope that McDaniels takes a few of the shots.

New Orleans over Arizona – Lost in the devastation the Chicago Bears endured last week against the Giants is the beating the Cardinals absorbed against the Chargers. They flat out stink. Their line couldn’t pass block BEFORE signing up Alan Faneca, a man who used to be a really good guard. Their receivers look overmatched…now that Larry Fitzgerald faces every team’s #1 physical bump and run corner, he doesn’t look nearly as able to run through coverage. Their quarterbacks are an embarrassment. Their defense can’t make a play. This might be the game where the Saints finally explode.

Dallas over Tennessee – Another tough call here. The Titans aren’t a bad team, but they haven’t exactly shown any level of consistency either. The Cowboys looked great against the Texans, and I think they can pull off enough big plays to win this one as well.

Oakland over San Diego – Maybe this is my bat shit crazy pick of the week. Oakland has lost 13 of the past 14 times these teams have played. Their starting running back is likely to sit out the game with hamstring issues. It doesn’t looks great…but neither has San Diego. Their offense consists of throwing to Antonio Gates and handing the ball to Mike Tolbert. Worse is their defense…they smashed the Cards last week, but Arizona is awful and San Diego’s stop unit hadn’t done anything in the weeks previous. The Chargers just seem to be meandering from week to week, and I think Oakland can step up and smack them down.

San Francisco over Philadelphia – Simply put, Kevin Kolb looked like a terrible quarterback last week after Michael Vick got hurt. He looked scared to throw deep, so the Redskin defense just sat on the short routes he was throwing to every…single…down. Also, now that his team’s talent level isn’t smashing people, the fact that Andy Reid really isn’t a very good coach is starting to become apparent to more people. The man is a clueless idiot when it comes to clock management, and his offense goes pass happy when he panics (which is frequently). It always has. All of those NFC title game losses came against teams with big pass rushes, and he stopped running the ball and invited all of them to tee off on the pass. The Niners are also bad, and also have a horrid head coach…but they’re desperate as fuck for a win. They’ll get one. Also, at LEAST 3 times during the game, the camera will focus on Andy Reid looking confused.

New York Jets over Minnesota – The Vikings brought in Randy Moss this week, and it was nice to hear him say he was excited to play with Brett Favre…too many people ignore the elderly these days. Will Moss wake up the offense? Possibly. Is that enough to beat a Jets team that has gained a lot of confidence and momentum the past three weeks? I don’t think so. Are the Vikings pretty much screwed? Yes indeed.