After a ‘fantastic’ 8-8 week one, I’m back to hopefully smash through the shell of pure mediocrity.

Green Bay over Buffalo – The Buffalo Bills are not a football team so much as they’re a blight. For everything that’s good, there must be bad…and that bad is the Buffalo Bills. This has a very high probability of being a brutal ass kicking.

Minnesota over Miami – This is actually a tough call. I don’t think the Vikings will be the powerhouse that they were last year, but they’re at home. Talent wise, it’s a fairly close match. I’ll take the home team.

Cleveland over Kansas City – This is another tough call, because both of these teams are awful. Positively dreadful. The Chiefs managed to win a game that their offense apparently forgot to show up for last weak. The Browns are about as exciting as their team name. I’ll take the home team. I’m hoping that if the terrorists are ready to unleash a dirty bomb, they do so at the stadium in Cleveland this Sunday…America would be firmly behind Al Qaeda after that.

Dallas over Chicago – The Bears BEARLY beat the Lions (HAHA! Plays on words!) last week because the refs and rule makers are apparently wearing Chicago jerseys under their clothes. The Cowboys looked bad against Washington, but their offensive line is intact this time around. And really, Chicago isn’t good.

Atlanta over Arizona – The Atlanta Falcons need to win the game. The Arizona Cardinals are quarterbacked by a man that the CLEVELAND BROWNS deemed not good enough. Also, against their ‘defense’ Michael Turner could absolutely go off running the ball. Seems like a nice chance to win.

Tampa Bay over Carolina – Carolina’s Matt Moore proved last weak that he has the chance to be a fine quarterback, if you don’t expect him to complete any passes to his receivers. On the other hand, Josh Freeman looked decent throwing to a weaker set of pass catchers. I don’t think Tampa’s a great team, but Carolina needs to blow it up and start over for realz.

Philadelphia over Detroit – The Eagles defense actually played fairly well last week against the Packers and Aaron Rodgers. This week, they face a Detroit squad led by Shaun Hill, a man who’s not so much a quarterback as he is a placeholder. You could put a cardboard cut-out of Matt Stafford behind center and probably get similar production to what Hill has thus far proven capable of. This could be a rout.

Baltimore over Cincinnati – This is probably the toughest call of the week. The Bengals at home are a dangerous opponent, but the Patriots piled up yards on that defense last week. And while Cincy’s offense threw at will against New England, Baltimore’s stop team is a lot better. I’ll take the Ravens winning another close game.

Tennessee over Pittsburgh – Should be a close game, like 13-10 close. This won’t be a game that’s much fun to watch. In the end, I see Pittsburgh’s special teams blowing a play at some point (as they have in recent years) and that being the difference.

Seattle over Denver – I HATE the fucking Seahawks! That said, the Broncos suck. For Chrissakes, an injured Laurence Maroney represents an UPGRADE at running back for that team. They also have no pass rush, and Matt Hasselbeck proved last week that if you give him time, he’ll make plays.

Oakland over St. Louis – Darren McFadden looked decent last week, and might run for 300 yards in this game. Mark Clayton isn’t doing anything against the Raider secondary. I don’t see how St. Louis wins this game, barring hiring a hit team to machine gun the Raiders team bus on the way to the stadium on game day.

Houston over Washington – The Redskin defense looked reasonable last week, but I simply do not believe DeAngelo “overrated” Hall and company can contain Andre Johnson. And Washington’s offense isn’t very good. Clinton Portis is less of a running back and more of a used up, worn out stupid person at this point.

New England over New York Jets – The Jets offense is ghastly, and frankly that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who didn’t spend the offseason sucking Rex Ryan’s hog. Mark Sanchez seems confused by such basic concepts out there that I imagine him puzzling over those mazes on kids restaurant placemats for hours at a time. And the rare time he does throw the ball to one of his receivers, they seem to think they’re playing an incredibly organized game of hot potato. Now, the Pats defense isn’t going to pressure him like Baltimore did last week, but I also think the Jets defense was overrated coming in to this year. To be blunt, the Jets simply don’t play like a smart team…constant stupid, stupid mistakes, and that costs them as Randy Moss continues his quest for a paycheque.

San Diego over Jacksonville – I actually believe this could be a fairly close game. San Diego’s blocking stunk last week, and the Jag defense isn’t a pile of shit. However, their secondary is young, which I can see meaning a couple of big play passes thanks to breakdowns. On the other side, San Diego can limit what the Jags do on offense…hand off to MJD, throw to Mike Thomas and pray.

Indianapolis over New York Giants – It’s rare that BOTH New York teams lose, but I just can’t pick the Colts to start the season 0-2. I think Eli faces pressure this week, and I don’t buy in to the Giants running game as long as they keep insisting that Brandon Jacobs actually possesses talent for anything more than pulling his hamstrings. The Giants D will play tough, but eventually something will break open.

New Orleans over San Francisco – The 49ers are coached by Mike Singletary, a man who seems to mistake intensity for a decent replacement for a functioning brain. Seriously, the guy is a fucking moron. Their quarterback is Alex Smith, a man incapable of completing a 4 yard pass for a first down. His blaming their bad week on the coach is misplaced…the people to blame for the performance of the Niner offense last week are his parents for fucking, then letting him be born. Bad coach plus bad quarterback doesn’t tend to result in good things, and the Saints should turn this in to an absolute curb stomping.