Contact from abroad!

Over the weekend, I received the following bizarre tweet :

millXna_pQrple @ElCliff76 RT JXHeartattack: You’ll be ight lol RT _caLILYenteDK Dude my body is so sore // whatever!!!!!!! Lol

There was also a link at the end…somehow I fought down the desire to go to a link sent by some complete stranger possibly trying to type 16 different languages at one time.

Now, I DID look up the Twitter profile of millXna_pQrple (More weird consonants than the average Polish name). Allow me to share some of my findings.

iMDATFREAK smh that’s cus ur old lol // *hits unfollow button* <- and I’m mean? Lol

over it yet? & I agree btw=] RT Hamdanism 3ayzaAtgawez is exggerated but that’s the point of the show

I don’t know what to make of these scrawlings. Is it a foreign language? Is it EVERY foreign language mashed together? Maybe Special Needs Jimmy got his hands on the keyboard somewhere?

I feel like one of those European explorers finding an African tribe for the first time…you know, without all that ‘racism’ and ‘slavery’ nastiness. Perhaps that babbling mess is what clicks and whistles looked like when transcribed? And with that line, I think we can amend the part about without all the racism…

Even more interesting, this person follows NO ONE. Do they just randomly hurl their nonsense in to the ether of the Internet, typing up random possible Twitter names and seeing what sticks? Is it a desperate last ditch ploy for friends, but the pill bottles are sitting open and ready on the desk next to the plastic bottle of shitty whiskey to wash them down? Their only followers are someone speaking Portuguese, a spammer and someone who apparently lives in ‘bieberland’. That part doesn’t so much surprise me…after all, this poor bastard’s name is apparently Kit. Was daddy a rabid Knight Rider fan?

Anyway, I have come up with a theory. This person isn’t even a PERSON. We are witnessing the first, fumbling attempts at contact from…

No, not weird mask-like icons…ALIENS. CLEARLY, this is the work of a space man (or space woman, I suppose. Either they existed, or Kirk was a raging homo) trying to reach out to mankind.

Normally, they would no doubt use their own advanced forms of telepathic contact, but we don’t register that properly. Oh, they no doubt tried, but it probably resulted in said contact proceeding to run around shotgunning everyone in the house and shouting something about ‘the demons in my head’. Kind of hard to say you come in peace when the results of your communication are almost always murder-suicide.

So now they’re forced to try to use our primitive means of communication. When amongst their own kind, they simply send their disturbing pornography (what do you think all those probings are about? Aliens have sicker tastes in sexual material than the Japanese!) to one another through brain waves. With us, they’re stuck using the Internet…and for talking to the fleshy bags of water that we are, that means things like Twitter. And they’re bad at it.

I mean, who to contact? They don’t know anybody here, so it must be incredibly confusing to see millions upon millions of possible options to send their messages of peace and hope and mutual prosperity…and body pain…to. So they’re trying their very best! Perhaps they assumed that I’m the leader of the free world…or maybe that’s Cockman8476?

Of course, since these creatures are online trying to make contact, it means that they see what we’re in to. That probably isn’t going to do much for intergalactic understanding.

“What in the name of Rigel 14 is a donkey double penetration?”

Or maybe they’re just Special Needs Sectoids, abandoned here by a disappointed space culture. Either way, we’re probably fucked.