Me

Bring on the self obsession!

In the spirit of the post about my dad, I figured I’d slam out something about myself (though this will focus more on the now, since I covered a lot of the then in that post). However, I’m going to take a bit of a different angle with it, and do it from the perspective of the many character traits (or flaws) that we both have in common.

And there are a number of them, which is probably part of the reason that we’ve clashed so frequently in the past. It isn’t so much the base fact that we share traits, but the particular ones that we have in common. If we were both big in to spirituality and meditation, the problems probably wouldn’t have been there. However, since we’re both down with the stubbornness and impatience…yeah, not so good for the family synergy.

Driven to Slack I know, those are not exactly two things that seem like they should be grouped together, and they probably shouldn’t be. And yet, there they are, here I am, and that’s how it is. Hell, one of my biggest flaws is that they do fit together.

I am very good at procrastinating…VERY good. And while it isn’t something that I always have in common with dad (this is a man known for planning vacations so far in advance that at least once, the hotel he had booked a reservation at had changed its name and chain affiliation since, leading to mass confusion with the cab driver), at times it is. Hence the waiting years before deciding to maybe do a little poking around in to that basement flooding issue.

So I’ll put things off, but when I do get going, I go. I’m one of those people that is absolutely incapable of working at half speed. If something needs to be done, do it, that’s it. No excuses, just fucking get it finished. Luckily, anywhere I’ve worked I seem able to drop the slackass part and just work. This often leads to entire afternoons with nothing to do (since everything is finished), thus letting me slack for 4 hours with a book…and get paid for it. See? Driving to slackery CAN be productive!

Combine this with something else I have…impatience. This is something I’ve worked on for awhile, because it drives me insane when someone is always up in my face needing to go NOWNOWNOW. And this was always a major point of contention with dad.

Actually, he isn’t as bad as he used to be. Oh, he’s still waiting and pacing and practically snarling to himself about how “Goddammit, it’s all going horribly WRONG!” if he’s delayed from a planned departure time by so much as a minute. The difference is, he tends to at least internalize the frustration a bit. So yes, better living through probable heart damage.

However, it is still there. I don’t like waiting for things. The worst part about searching for a job is the goddamn waiting. Hell, even if I didn’t get the gig, just TELL ME. I DESPISE waiting for something. There’s actually a project in the works right now that I’m slated to be a part of that I’m really pumped about. Not only would it be a lot of fun, it would also really offer some new avenues towards what I’d like to be doing (we’ll come back to this). The problem is, it’s just sort of laying there. I don’t know what’s going on with it. Twice now, sort of ‘official’ missives have arrived from those running the show, but they’re inevitably followed by a period of silence. I fucking hate silence. It might not bother me as much if I wasn’t jacked about it, but I am, so it does. And no, I won’t talk about it here because I’m completely nuts (more on that later, too).

This is actually leading to problems for me at the moment. See, I’ve always liked writing. I’m not really good at it in any formal sense, but it’s something I enjoy, and people seem to enjoy reading it (or you’re all just lying to me to keep me from up and killing a bus full of senior citizens). And I’d like to actually make a portion of a living doing it. Problem is, this is an entirely new world for me and I’m still figuring out where to even look for the kinds of opportunities I’m talking about. It has to be a topic that interests me, or I won’t last a month before I get bored and walk. So not only am I struggling to actually find anything specific, I’m still muddling my way through that whole “Where do I even look for specific writing gigs?” part. For someone not renowned for keeping his shit cool when things are taking ‘too long’, this isn’t a good thing. I don’t think I’ve slept more than 5 hours in a night for several weeks. I’m just too amped up and determined to find something to bother with such trivialities as rest. No, really. I WISH I was saying that in a joking manner. It takes me awhile to switch that off and just chill out enough to actually doze off. Did I mention I’m pretty fucked up? (Getting there…)

Combine the impatience, the slackery and the drive, and weirdly enough you have the sum total for the reason for my near constant habit of being amongst the last people to arrive somewhere. Oh, there are anomalies to be sure, but generally I am not exactly Mr. Punctual. I do think part of this is latent reaction to my father’s need to always be insanely early for everything…the man will go to the airport 3 HOURS before a domestic departure. And he hates waiting. It isn’t a pleasant experience.

So yeah, some of it comes from a near primal need to not even resemble that. But there are other contributing factors. See, I don’t do well with empty time…I need to be doing something. So I’ll say to myself “Hey, I’ll load up a game for a half hour” or “I’ll read another chapter of that book before I go.” This would be fine, except I tend to become engrossed. Then it’s “Hmmm…this would be a terrible place to save.” or “Just one more level, until I get that bonus!” or “I’m in the middle of this section, I can’t stop here!” as the drive to accomplish takes over. Then I’ve spent an hour and twenty minutes playing or reading or whatever, and I’m late before I even leave. It’s like a demonic combination of a drive to DO something, a want to ‘just put it off for a bit’ and a twitchy impatience to constantly need to have something to interact with. And oh yes, that is definitely a part of things (almost there…really!).

By the way, if you ever notice that I’m trying to do a bunch of different things at once and getting a bit flustered, there’s a reason for that. I really don’t get overwhelmed that easily…I’ve worked a number of jobs with 63,000 moving parts that all have to be watched and taken care of at once, so I’m pretty good with that sort of situation for the most part. The issue actually comes about when there is so much going on that I’m not actually making headway with anything specific. Now I’m frustrated at the lack of progress. Fun!

Also, if we ever find ourselves in a position where we’re working on something and I start taking on more and more, please smack me. Really. This will lead to me burning myself out. Or to me getting pissed off at the imbalance.

And I’ll glare at you. Or mutter something under my breath.

Please don’t take it too personally. See, I’m pretty much crazy.

I don’t really know if this is something I have in common with anyone, because I don’t tend to get in to these discussions with people. I’ve talked about some of this before, so it’s hardly news to anyone who really knows me.

I have this superstitious bullshit thing about not getting in to too many details about something that’s possible in the future. And the more excited I am about it, the more I’ll clam up. I don’t believe in Gods, or spirits, or any new age crap you can throw on me…yet I may as well be some broken down old gypsy woman with some insane belief in fate fucking over those who challenge it. Sad, I know. I’m normally someone who wants facts and reasons, yet here I am fearing some weird thing I don’t really even believe in (we’ll call him Fate-sa Claus, and he’s apparently a right prick) screwing up what I want.

There’s more, though. There are things I have never really told anyone before. Some if it is probably apparent to anyone with a working set of eyes and a functioning brain stem, but some of it might not be.

I am a mass of twitching energy. I pretty much cannot sit still. I’m always fiddling with something, or stretching, or scratching an itch, or drumming a foot on the floor, or…something. I think that the only time I’m still is when I’m asleep, but the blankets are often yanked in to such insane disarray when I wake up that I’m not so sure of that. Ironically, I am such a ball of nervous tics that it works quite well in poker…who knows what the tells are, and what’s just Cliff being Cliff? I sure as Hell don’t!

I’m also pretty sure I have some trace of being obsessive compulsive. I don’t even realize I’m doing some of what I am at the time…I’ll be out for a walk and step on a crack with my left foot, and suddenly I HAVE to do the same with the right one. Seriously. Did I just knock something across the floor with my left foot? Better put it back with the right…you know, to balance things out. I’ll be talking to someone and say a couple of rather innocuous phrases one right after the other…and I then have to repeat them in the same order the next time I say something. All kinds of fucked up little nervous tics and needs to ‘balance’ things and repeat them. It just happens. It actually used to be a lot worse, but it’s lessened a bit. I don’t know why.

Maybe Fate-sa Claus intervened and decided to stop being a bastard for once.

I have such a weird need to not forget things that I take it to “Um…woah…” levels. There are little notes to myself scattered all over my computer desk. Now, some of it is actually important…reminders of actually important things that I really do need to take care of. But a lot of it is just embarrassing. Do I really need a post it stuck to my monitor reminding me that I need to blog? Yes, yes I do. Really. I cannot bring myself to actually remove that note. I will write myself reminders that I really need to shave…seriously. I’m not proud of this…fuck, it’s embarrassing. But it ain’t gonna change any time soon.

Now, I really don’t blame my dad for a lot of the shit that happened with us or with me since, but I do think the seed of this DID come from the old version of him. He was so wound up about everything needing to be done on time and a certain way that I fixated on it, and now I’m reminding myself to do ordinary household shit that I would have done anyway. Thing is, I don’t KNOW that I’d do it anyway (even though I probably would), so I NEED the note, goddammit! Still, he may have started me on the path, but I’m the idiot who kept walking down it, decided it was taking too long to get to Crazy Town (the place, not that shitty band), so I bought a car and got there much more quickly.

Wow, this is not only becoming very lengthy, but also rather negative. I’m not as complete a mess as this might make it look. First off, years ago I wouldn’t even be able to admit to myself some of the dark parts of what makes me me, much less just share them with the entire Internet (Hi, Mr. Gore!). The fact that I can actually look in the mirror and admit to my flaws is a good thing.

The fact that I can also look at that reflection and not loathe what I see is a nice advancement, too. To say I at one time lacked in confidence would be the understatement of the year. I no longer think of myself as a worthless sack of skin and try to cover up that sincere belief with a bunch of ridiculous bravado. So, yay!

I don’t entirely know what the original reason behind this post was supposed to be, but it’s become a bit of a window in to who I am and why I do things. So I guess that’s cool. It better be, because at 2200 words I sure as Hell am not scrapping it.

Oh, and I don’t know who did that Evil Santa pic in the first place, but that is some creepy shit right there.