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The transition to being Uncle Cliff

General Type Things
Jul 152010

I got thinking about this earlier today, while sitting in a restaurant with my parents and three little kids (nieces and a nephew, not kidnap victims I was looking to sell to slavers), cutting up someone’s sausage for them…

How in the Hell did this happen?

I mean, I know what I’m like. I probably strike those blessed to meet me as the last person who should be allowed around the impressionable (children, parrots who learn words, Shaun Guthrie). I spend most of my time either sarcastically mocking everything I can think of or ragefully expressing my utter hatred for it. I curse like it’s a sport. I frequently make incredibly inappropriate comments that even most adults wish they had never heard. I’m not exactly what comes to mind when one thinks of people who would enjoy being around kids.

And yet, at some point it happened.

Now, Uncledom is not something you get to choose…it’s kind of forced upon you when your siblings start having children. I remember driving to the hospital to meet my oldest niece Natalie for the first time and being absolutely petrified. What the fuck do you do? How do you do anything with something that damn small? Does this kid ever wake up? It really just lies there and cries from time to time…seriously? Can you get a refund or something?

It took something like three weeks before Nats even opened her eyes once in my presence, so she wasn’t exactly a thrill a minute. But that changes. Kids started doing more stuff, and you can start actually playing with them. I believe this is a key part of the transition to happy Uncle : the moment of realization that these kids have toys and you want to play with them, too.

And now there are 4 of them.

The best part about the job? People only really expect you to be around for the fun stuff! Oh, you get called on to play with them and take them to the park* and read stories because you can make funny voices. NOBODY expects you to change diapers, explain anything complicated or dole out punishment for things.

*This is a terrifying experience the first time, as visions of shattered children lying in pain on the ground while everyone points blame and scorn at you fill your head. Then you take more than one kid for the first time…AND THEY GO IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS. Never had a panic attack before? You will…oh yes, you will…

What happens if a parent just feeds a kid nothing but sugar all day? They’re looked upon as being horrible failures at raising children, and possibly get them taken away by the government. If the Uncle does it? An eye roll and a smile and some comment like “Oh, Uncle Cliff…” before you’re sent off to run off some of the energy that that now vibrating sugar demon of a kid has. It’s awesome!

What’s interesting is the whole dynamic changing as they get older. Recently, I engaged in an epic war against Natalie in Wii Sports. One of my other flaws? I’m competitive…really competitive. I’m also a gaming nut. I suddenly became aware part way through a match of Table Tennis that I was trash talking my 7 year old niece.

And she was firing right back.

So yeah, I taught her that I guess (unless her parents are reading this, in which case : Those damn kids at school, eh? Horrible influences!). This is something that would have NEVER happened even a year ago, yet here I was dropping a “Oooooh…nice serve. What are ya, dead?” on her now. Again though, this falls under that cool law about ‘Special Uncle Rules’, where the same expectations don’t seem to apply (and if anyone ever changes those rules, I will fucking kill you with the nearest gardening implement).

Now, does this mean I’ll inevitably teach them bad words? Actually, (and this might blow some minds) I have never one time said so much as ‘Hell’ around them. Then again, I also DID make a comment about someone being a total prostitute, so I’m not exactly class personified. And yes, I was a bit disappointed when none of them started using prostitute in regular conversation. Still, it really will be those damn kids at school who teach them 4 letter epithets. And if nothing has changed, one will make the ridiculous claim that he ‘has permission to swear’.

So anyway, here I am today, cutting up food, driving with kids in the car*, trying to follow the constantly changing rules of any game one finds themselves playing with kids…and digging it.

*Thanks to Pam and Pete for not raising their kids on exclusively shitty kids music. It sucks ass, and I would never survive. The ability to listen to something halfway decent, and not some collection of overly joyful ‘entertainers’ dropping awful rhymes about Ker-Plop the Dragon and his Magical Hat or anything of that nature keeps me from snapping and running over random pedestrians.

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  • Kelly

    I only really have experience being a dad so far (slack ass brothers) but I must say you are a damn good uncle (I know, anyone who hasn’t seen you around kids would be like “What?! CLIFF?! No way in hell!”) I merely have to mention your name or James and instantly I get asked are we going to see/play with you guys.

  • Kelly

    I only really have experience being a dad so far (slack ass brothers) but I must say you are a damn good uncle (I know, anyone who hasn’t seen you around kids would be like “What?! CLIFF?! No way in hell!”) I merely have to mention your name or James and instantly I get asked are we going to see/play with you guys.

  • Tammy

    I was just thinking the same thing as Kelly. Morgan and Luke were having a blast at James and Janine’s chasing Uncle Cliffy around. You certainly do have the knack. Maybe it is because you can find your big inner kid and I think that is great.

    I did however score a couple points getting them some glow stick swords at our BBQ, but that is because I am too tired to run around like you can. So I will continue to just buy my way into their hearts~!

  • Tammy

    I was just thinking the same thing as Kelly. Morgan and Luke were having a blast at James and Janine’s chasing Uncle Cliffy around. You certainly do have the knack. Maybe it is because you can find your big inner kid and I think that is great.

    I did however score a couple points getting them some glow stick swords at our BBQ, but that is because I am too tired to run around like you can. So I will continue to just buy my way into their hearts~!

  • kelly

    Heh, yeah they’re still swinging those swords around. Thanks again Tammy everyone had a great time over there.

  • kelly

    Heh, yeah they’re still swinging those swords around. Thanks again Tammy everyone had a great time over there.

  • http://www.thedrmnews.com Qikdraw

    So Cliff… When are you going to settle down and start having children of your own?

  • http://www.thedrmnews.com Qikdraw

    So Cliff… When are you going to settle down and start having children of your own?

  • Michelle

    NOBODY expects you to change diapers, explain anything complicated or dole out punishment for things.

    I have one thing to say to this… HAH! Wait until you are the “favorite” who the kids want as a babysitter, wait until they are old enough to ask all those questions they wouldn’t dare ask their parents… how do you explain to your Catholic nephew who is questioning creationism that you believe it is a pile of bunk? What do you say to your 8 yr. old neice who wants to know exactly what a blow job is?

    NEVER, EVER be the favorite! lol

  • Michelle

    NOBODY expects you to change diapers, explain anything complicated or dole out punishment for things.

    I have one thing to say to this… HAH! Wait until you are the “favorite” who the kids want as a babysitter, wait until they are old enough to ask all those questions they wouldn’t dare ask their parents… how do you explain to your Catholic nephew who is questioning creationism that you believe it is a pile of bunk? What do you say to your 8 yr. old neice who wants to know exactly what a blow job is?

    NEVER, EVER be the favorite! lol

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Tammy : DAMN…you ARMED his children? That’s gonna be tough to top…

    Kelly : Who better than Uncle Cliff to completely ruin brand new clothing by dragging your kids through the grass for fun? I’m just stupendous drenched in awesome sauce with a side of wicked. :)

    Brad : But…if I have my own kids, then I AM kind of required to do that lame stuff that I don’t necessarily want to do. :)

    Michelle : I am the favorite (though my soon to be other brother in law is horning in on the action, the rat bastard), BUT I live several hours away.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Bah, I live hours away! :) Despite my favourite status (though that's in jeopardy…my soon-to-be other brother in law is presenting competition, the rat bastard), I'm a little too distant to just pop over and babysit for the evening.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    That would mean that I would be expected to do all the stuff like change diapers…and I'd have to TAKE BACK the kid when he/she started crying! That's a horrible option.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    You ARMED his kids? Damn, that's gonna be tough to top.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Yes indeed, the way I don't give a damn about destroying your kids clothing and toss them around with no regard for their personal safety…I'm a saint. lol

  • http://twitter.com/hadaad hadaad

    How do you answer those questions when you're the dad? Aside from the whole blow job thing…

  • Pam

    The kids had a riot! Thanks Uncle Cliff! As for the blow job thing, change it to “blow pop” and give them one. Any other difficult questions can usually be blown off with a simple “ask Dad when he gets home” (Yes, Dad, not Mom, lol), or distract them with something else. What can I say, I have neices too. :)

  • Michelou

    How do you answer those questions…. they're hard when your the mother and your 7 yr old son asks what a blow job is… I take the stance of telling like it is… that's partly why I'm the favorite… I can and will discuss anything with the kids. Maybe I'm a little TOO liberal… but I believe the whole story is better than peer misinformation. Of course, you do have to tailor your answers to their age and ability to understand.

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