Wait a minute…I said spammer, and that’s a picture of a spanner. Those are totally different words! HILARIOUS! AHAHAHA!
There…expectations lowered enough that success is more likely. Fiendish.
Actually, it’s time for everyone’s favourite game (if we completely exclude video games, board games, word games and every other aspect of fun known to man), mocking spam!
No, not THAT kind of Spam. Oh, I am a CARD…and that card is a JOKER. I’m now making these horrible puns and sight gags simply because I know that Liam is laughing his ass off. Yuck it up, you magnificent pun loving bastard! And if he isn’t, then I have managed to make such unbelievably bad jokes that not even Liam is on board the laugh train…quite an accomplishment.
Spam mail. We all get it. Sometimes, it catches your eye. This was one of those times.
When you get spam from this chick…
…you tend to take notice. No, seriously, I got a spam email from Praire Dawn (obviously that isn’t the correct spelling, but it’s the name given by this retard from some third world nation. I’ll take Burkina Faso for a thousand, Alec)! That catches one’s eye! Also catching my eye…was she always that pink? Seriously, that’s one puppet that could do with a little bit less sun. I think she’s about ready to go nova and become a new star for fuck’s sake.
Now I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t get too many emails from characters with a hand permanently wrist deep in their ass. Uhhh…at least not that I’m aware of…and I’d really like to keep it that way…unless we could profit somehow…
Let’s stick with Muppet characters! I don’t get a lot of email from Muppets. So when one crosses my inbox (that’s a horrible pickup line waiting to be plucked from the Tree of Guaranteed Ass. “Hey baby, lemme cross your inbox with my pointer…”), I read it. Turns out Praire Dawn had an interesting business proposition for me.
"BRILLIANT Opportunity...100% residual income"
EARN up to $2,750 per Week in your SPARE TIME!
Well, I have nothing but spare time. And I suppose I could come up with SOMETHING to do with $2,750 per week. That kinda green buys a whole lotta magic beans, man.
Intrigued by this premise, I moved in to the details.
He||o,
Are those l’s from some alien planet? Am I receiving invitations to can’t miss business opportunities from a puppet from another galaxy?! My God! It’s like written communication from the future! Seriously, what the Hell is with those l’s? Are they malnourished? Are they the Keira Knightley of the alphabet, pretty face but in desperate need of some sandwiches?
You are one of the very FIRST to know about an amazing new program with a MUST SEE product line and a revolutionary "Moneyline" plan that guarantees you will earn commissions your FIRST day on the team... and for the next 60 days!
WOW! A proposition like that is almost too good to be a real way for me to make money! This certainly sounds like an amazing chance for me to better my situation. Tell me more, Jim Henson creation on a fast track to skin cancer!
You read it right...
Sure a relief that such a dazzling offer hasn’t rendered me illiterate…
JOIN the Moneyline NOW and collect your first check TONIGHT. Then continue earning for no less than the next 60 days.
HOLY SHIT! But…but if I’m reading this when it’s already tonight, does that mean I get the check tomorrow night? Or does it get flown to me at once on a private jet or something? Cause I could really use that check now.
The only requirement is to join. That's it! No selling, no advertising, no nothing!!
Getting paid for doing nothing of value to anyone?! You mean, I too can know what it’s like to be Jim Belushi?
Man, she looks ‘happy’ doesn’t she? And he looks more leathery than his coat. Dammit Jim, you’re a hammy no talent hack who looks like smoked meat, not an actor!
Getting back to what will be my path to Easy Street…
Such WACKYNESS! Not THAT path to Easy Street…with a side trip to Chlamydia Boulevard(see, as the post goes on, the lame jokes at least get a little blue). Actually, who has a worse fake facial tan…her or Jim? Jim gets points for just being a generally awful mess of a human being, but Lindsay has that glossy countenance that says “Hi, I’ve been bathed in shellac.”
Simply enroll at the link below to lock in your position. You will immediately see your 60 days worth of Moneyline Shares begin to grow. The trick is... you have the power to make them grow MUCH faster.
Wait a minute…
The second you secure your position by joining, the growth of your shares will EXPLODE because ALL new members will be forced to enroll under YOU in the Moneyline!
Hey…HEY!
So act FAST and get in ahead of as many people as humanely possible. Then watch in real time as thousands join below you... EXPLODING your shares!
Okay, that’s quite enough! Lock in your position? Shares ‘begin to grow’ and you can make them grow faster? Secure your position and shares explode? New members forced to ‘enrol’ under me? Watch as thousands of others explode my shares? I should have known it! The instant this amazing offer showed up in my inbox and stupefied me with the glory that it contains, I should have known that it would all boil down to prostitution. Well I made myself a promise the last time this happened…no more fucking strangers to get rich quick! And sure, I fell for it the next 17 times, but this time I know better!
Now, more seriously, I can’t help but think of a certain geometric shape when I hear these descriptions of getting in quickly so that others are below me and give me their money…
And I think we ALL know you don’t want to get involved in some sort of dodecahedral scheme. It’s just too goddamn complicated. Seriously, where do you land on that monstrosity? Who the Hell knows!
URGENTLY GO HERE to secure a position at the TOP of my group. http://myenergykb.50webs.com/
HEY! If I’m joining a sex dodecahedron, I’ll decide whose geometry orgy I’m sliding my shares in to, got it? I may be a whore but I have some scruples! Also, you actually couldn’t pay me to hit that link. Incidentally, I’ve removed the hyperlink from it so that some idiot doesn’t click it accidentally…but I’ve left the url there in the hopes that some idiot actually goes there, gets some sort of computer STI, and I can laugh at them. For being an idiot.
Oh, and Praire was nice enough to include this rambling mess (sort of like this post!) at the end :
Unsubscribe: I apologize for receiving this email at once, if you wish to be remove in my list please reply here for removal w/ a blank subject. Thank you for your understanding.
Unsubscribe? That would imply that I subscribed, you tool. And I am fully understanding of the fact that you’re an idiot. An amazing idiot.
Oh, and my check is totally in the mail. Tell Kermit I said hi!
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