Looking for some sort of agenda to hitch their wagons to later this year, Republicans decided the best way to come up with a policy is to just ask people what they want. So they’ve created a site to allow just that called America Speaking Out to allow the nation to share their views*.

*Republican Party makes absolutely no promise to seriously consider any offered suggestions. Really, we’re just humouring you and hoping that some of you rubes take this at face value.

That’s Kevin McCarthy, Republican Congressman from California. Wait a minute…didn’t he start that video by saying that Congress is out of touch and arrogant and doesn’t listen? And yet…he is IN Congress?! Holy shit! This is totally ‘We’ve traced the call…it’s coming from inside the house!’ territory!

Anyway, while the base idea actually isn’t horrible (or at least wouldn’t be if there was any sign the people behind this site actually gave a fuck), it wrongly assumes that the average person online possesses more maturity and commitment to serious debate than Pauly Shore all fucked up on mescaline. I find myself sincerely hoping to see some of these suggestions taken as legitimate planks for the new Republican platform if for no other reason than sheer hilarity. Obviously they’re all over the top jokes, but they’re funny over the top jokes that need to be the cornerstones of some nutbag politician’s policy!

-If the North of the US declared war on the South of the US, we could create more military jobs. But it would be less expensive than fighting foreignors because our boyz could stay at home with their families, which woud also just make the military more family friendly and encourage more to join.

He’s right! If the boys in uniform are as important as Congress claims, shouldn’t they want to give them a more convenient war to fight in? Many could commute to the front lines and probably do some shopping to and from the fighting, thus improving the economy as a whole.

-Prosperity? I’ll give you prosperity! We need to bring back the gold rush. First off, free wealth, right out of the ground. Second, if I recall we had relatively free labor also. (i can hear the dollar signs already). Fourthly, it will help our railroad expand which in turn creates even more jobs. Once the railroad expands all the way to the west coast, it will provide a perfect way to get all the unwanteds out of town once all the gold is gone. win win win, win.

Now THAT is some fine fiscal planning! Sub in the Mexicans for the role the Chinese filled previously and you’re taking care of two birds with one stone! And who doesn’t like gold? Only those who hate freedom.

-we should make english the official language of the US and stop spending tax dollars on translations for mexicans! if english is good enough for baby jesus, its good enough for americans.

Damn right. The son of God was all about apple pie, hating brown people and yankee doodle dandy!

-Everybody loves bacon, and most Americans are obese. Can we make bacon out of the fat folks? I’m sure they’d be good smoked and processed correctly.

We need this just for the commercials…’Jimmy Dean Soylent Green is the best source of human protein on the market’.

-We are a JUDO CHRISTIAN NATION! All of our kids need to be learnin’ how to do hip throws and arm bars and stuff.

That’s a damn fine defence program there. Sure as Hell will make them sand folk think twice before they come at the country again if’n they know y’all can hit em with that there karate!

-The United States needs to quit beating around the bush and declare war on the Devil. He has clearly shown to be a great threat to our national security by creating brown people, gays, and jews. I know he would be no match for our fine service men.

Maybe combine this with the domestic warfare idea from the first suggestion and get the best of both worlds.

-Build the Star Wars missile defense system. Who cares if it works or not? It sounds super badass.

There is a certain respect given to something that sounds utterly bad ass and imposing.

-Maybe instead of guns vs. butter, we could just put guns in the butter. Then everyone would be happy. Except liberals. Cuz they’re never happy.

I like this gun butter concept. Note to self…need better, and less pornographic sounding, name for the product than ‘gun butter’.

Anyway, what is the lesson here? There are a few.

1. You cannot ask people to contribute to anything unless you want approximately 63,014 entries reading ‘Where all the white women at?’ (No, seriously…it’s in there…a LOT)

2. Put up some ludicrous site purporting to represent your party listening to people and prepare to have it cluster bombed with sarcastic stupidity from here to Tuscaloosa. People can detect bullshit.

3. People are funny.