As probably almost everyone reading this knows, I’m a fan of the cheezy movie. I consider Battlefield Earth to perhaps be the greatest comedy ever written. I cannot pass by Days of Thunder while flipping through channels at night and not stop and watch the ridiculous journey of Cole Trickle to Daytona winner (err…SPOILER!). I love them.
Normally, during movie gatherings, it’s generally myself and Kelly who are responsible for gathering the cheeze. A few points for those unsure of where to start…zombies and ninjas. Very few movies with either of those as a central theme are what normal people would call ‘good’ (those normal people with limited imaginations…aka losers). This time, Janine came up to bat. She hit a home run that’s still arcing through the air a week later. Not only that, but she has, with one choice, replaced Kelly as the best supplier of inadvertent (yeah, right) tits and ass.
Bitch Slap. What you see above are the central characters in this work of absolute genius. The whole thing was written and directed by the guys behind a lot of episodes of Hercules : The Legendary Journeys (which, along with his need for work, explains the appearance of Kevin Sorbo), Xena : Warrior Princess (and there you have the basis for Lucy Lawless’s cameo), Baywatch (explaining the work of cleavage as the movie’s fourth star. Well, that and the fact that everyone likes cleavage), and two lesser known shows that I’ll get in to a bit of detail about now.
One was Jack of All Trades. It starred Bruce Campbell (HELLZ YEAH!) as Jack Stiles, a spy who was sent by Thomas Jefferson to the island of Polau Polau where he moonlights as the Daring Dragoon, a man bent on making the amusingly daft French look like idiots and stopping Napoleon’s attempt at world conquest. This stupendous piece of TV magic shared an hour with Cleopatra 2525. Now, I didn’t see enough of this show to really get what was going on…every scene I caught seemed to feature three chicks in the future standing in tunnels talking about things I didn’t know about. Now that I’m reading the show synopsis, I wish I’d tuned in more frequently. Two warriors in the future thaw out a cryo frozen stripper, frozen since 2001, as they fight evil robots that have taken over the world? That’s badass!
One of the characters in that movie was Sarge…and the same ‘actress’ who played her plays Camero in Bitch Slap. She’s be the one on the right in that poster above.
Despite being 100% ham all the time, Camero is also the best character in the damn flick for no other reason than her incredible ability to string insults together. It’s jaw droppingly awesome. Towards the end, her attack dialogue is spewing out so quickly that I can’t believe she could keep up…it’s like a waterfall of crass insults pouring forth. I can’t imagine how many takes they must have gone through to get that right…it seems as awkward to say as those long lines of medical jargon were for actors on ER.
The movie actually has the balls (ironic, considering the all female lead cast) to try to be a kind of B-movie Usual Suspects with a “Who is Keyser Soze?” sub plot. There are CLEAR rip offs of characters from many other movies (notably Kill Bill and The Professional). In the middle of a desert, the three girls suddenly decide to engage in a water fight. Yes, a water fight. Where all of this water is coming from is never explained, but it’s the sort of scene that slo mo camera work was fucking made for.
I really cannot adequately describe the glory that this masterpiece achieves. Just watch it. If you aren’t entertained, the terrorists have already won. It’s a piece of T&A amusement that also has gun play, a punk rocker with tourette’s, a mystery sub plot and that QUOTES SUN TZU. Find THAT mix anywhere else, bitchez.
