Weird Lady Shit

Ah blog, I haven’t forgotten you. Just because I’ve spent so much time lately with the other one doesn’t mean I love you any less…and not just because you’re the place that I can freely litter with F-bombs.

So yes, weird girly shit. Many of you privileged enough to be a part of my Google Reader/Buzz circle no doubt noticed the wonder of Vajazzling. What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s pretty simple…combine Bedazzler with vagina…ta-dah!

“Wow, that sounds ridiculous!” you are no doubt thinking. Oh, if you AREN’T thinking that, I wish for the world to do to you what Quinton Jackson does to Ricardo Arona here…

So, is this real? Yes. Yes it is. She got vajazzled. There are pictures. Like this one.

What the fuck? Ladies, seriously…SERIOUSLY?! Who is this for? The last thing I want to feel when reaching down the front of some girl’s pants ARE BUMPS OF ANY KIND. Doesn’t tend to set the mood, unless the mood you’re shooting for is “Holy shit, I gots to disinfect my hand!” So is it for you, then? What do you get out of it? “When the light hits my vulva just right, it acts like a vaginal prism.” Is that a goal to shoot for?

Oh yeah, this process costs $115. It lasts 5 days. It was apparently popularized by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is also known as the girl who popularized….uhhh…hmmm…oh, that’s right, starlets from warmed over Scream wannabes (I know what you did last summer…bad, BAD movies with you fleeing an evil, undead fisherman) deciding they can have a music career!

You know, I was going to include a video of her singing here. I can’t do it. I refuse to be the blog with videos of Jennifer Love Hewitt singing. I need to keep some level of dignity!

HA! You BELIEVED that?! I have no dignity! Not only will I embed said video, it’s a live version far, far away from any of those ‘pro tools’.

So, you thought THAT was bad (the whole Vajazzling…do I capitalize that???…not JLH singing. Seriously, does she change her vocal tone at any point in that entire song? And is she wearing carpeting? Oh, and if you’re a guy and watched all of that, what DOES cock taste like?). That was nothing…NOTHING.

Allow me to present…Vulva Original.

What the Hell is that? Well, watch the intro video and all is explained…eventually…after a lot of riding an exercise bike and ‘yearning looks’. I’m just going to quote the first page you see after that video :

New irresistible vaginal scent…new roll-on applicator

Getting the idea here? It’s vaginal scent…for your sensual pleasure.

I’ll just let THAT soak in…errr…that may not have been the best choice of words…hrm.

You’ll be happy to know it now contains more organic content…? And it only runs you 24.9 Euros per tiny little bottle. I would suggest that you hire a hooker, get her wet and and pay her to wipe herself off with a handkerchief and just carry that around. Spend the savings on lunch!

Now apparently this is a product for those of us lucky enough to be dudes. Once again, on behalf of men everywhere else…what the fuck is up with Europe? Christ, even JAPAN is looking at you fuckers and wondering what the Hell is wrong with you at this moment!

Oh, and I’ll wait until NOW to warn you all about the naked chicks on that site I linked to…hope you weren’t opening that as the boss walked in! (I totally do hope that, actually)

Fuck it, let’s go for one more. This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but everyone should be used to that by now with me and my shitty topic titles.

Enjoy Amazing Video Weirdness…10 minutes of absolutely bizarre video clips thrown together. Some highlights? A song teaching kids how to wipe their ass (while some tiny dude watches), a tiny shrunken head amusing kids, a man being beaten to death with his own severed arm, someone on Japanese TV being given a concussion for amusement, a fight between a martial artist and…gum?, William DeVane and Tommy Lee Jones blowing people away with shotguns, the horrifying spectacle of what happens when young Helen Hunt is given cocaine in an After School Special, a…tar bukkakke?, the most persistent drug dealers EVER (NOBODY TURNS DOWN DRUGS!), a man shooting himself to test body armour, a legless martial artist and Japanese…uhhh…’horror’ movies (Seriously…Japan…WHAT THE FUCK?!