Peer Pressure Works!

Notice how any time anyone ever says anything approaching that, it usually ends up in a gathering sort of like this?

Well, not anymore. If Don “Moose” Lewis gets his brilliant All-America Basketball Alliance going, it may soon end up in a gathering like this.

Yes indeed, it’s all cracker basketball! All the jump shots and chest passes that your heart can handle without any of those ‘urban’ types to bring those slam dunks and handguns and crack to the arena!

Now, one really has to see the quotes of Mr. Lewis to drink in his genius, so here goes.

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Let’s start with his wonderful use of the English language. Yes, there’s nothing hatred about what he’s doing. Genius. Absolute genius. Can you believe that this guy lives in GEORGIA?! Astounding, isn’t it! And I’m sure that fundamental basketball will be a huge hit with the crowds. Who wouldn’t want to show up to watch Keith Closs and Luke Walton slowly amble about a court, using 6 inch verticals to sky picture perfect free throws? It’s like the WNBA, only less interesting. And people love the WNBA, right?

Now, certainly there ARE some flashy white players like Jason Williams (the white point guard, not the black ex-NBA center who ‘accidentally’ blew away his limo driver with a 12-gauge…we don’t need those troubled types muddyin’ up the waters!), but his behind the back passes and such simply aren’t good clean family fun. And besides, his nickname ‘White Chocolate’ is probably just cocoa enough to disqualify him from league entry.

Anyway, back to Mr. Lewis (and really, don’t you know you’re dealing with a brilliant thinker when a person’s nickname is Moose?).

Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of “street-ball” played by “people of color.” He pointed out recent incidents in the NBA, including Gilbert Arenas’ indefinite suspension after bringing guns into the Washington Wizards locker room, as examples of fans’ dissatisfaction with the way current professional sports are run.

Luckily there has never ever been an incident of a white person doing anything inappropriate with a gun, otherwise Moose might have a bit of egg on his face right now!

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

Soon after this proclamation, Moose was shown video of Eminem in concert and promptly collapsed in full cardiac arrest. Paramedics managed to revive him, only to endure 23 straight minutes of his shouting “But that guy looks WHITE?! Is he one o’ dem Michael Jackson child molesteratin’ types?!”

The league will be based in Atlanta (I know, SHOCKING!), and feature 12 teams in the South (Can you believe it?!) if they can just find 12 rubes with $10,000 willing to start up a team called the Racine Confederates or Knoxville Strange Fruit. Frankly, I think his faith in finding 12 slack jawed yokels with enough scratch to buy anything more than new strings for the ol’ banjo granpappy handed down when he done caught that there gout an’ died is a little unrealistic.

Atlanta Mayor Deke Copenhaver (Do all parents in Atlanta automatically hate their kids and give them names like this? Come on, have some heart! It ain’t the kid’s fault you done mated with kin!) is for some reason reluctant to support this new league.

“As a sports enthusiast, I have always supported bringing more sporting activities to Augusta,” he said. “However, in this instance I could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city.”

I’m sure Moose was so taken aback that he nearly spat coffee all over the Grand Dragon or Wizard or Dungeon Master or whatever the fuck geektastic name they’re using now, and that just wouldn’t do! Well, bad news Moose, the Mayor isn’t the only naysayer.

Clint Bryant, athletic director at Augusta State University, laughed when he heard the news.

“It’s so absurd, it’s funny, but it gives you an idea of the sickness of our society” he said. “It shows you what lengths people will go to just to be mean-spirited. I think at any basketball level, no matter if it’s all black, all white, all Hispanic, all Asian or anyone else, the players should just be a basketball team.”

Well that’s just ridiculous! As I’m sure Moose would tell you, any Asian team would be too busy pulling out protractors and calculators and figuring shot angles and scoring permutations to defend properly against the fundamental pasty attack of the Savannah Cotton Pickers. And Hispanics are too busy either playing baseball or holding up convenience stores at knife point to play basketball!

I don’t know about you but I cannot WAIT to watch a collection of un-athletic NBA 12th man rejects playing good old fashioned hoops without any of that ‘shuckin’ and/or ‘jivin’. Dare I dream that they replace those nets with peach baskets and declare the arenas a ‘non-suffrage zone’ as well?

Oh, and this is for AMERI-CAN players! We don’t need none o’ them Steve Nash types with their Commie nationalist health care and goddamn hippie long hair and such. And don’t even git me started on them Euro trash types with their ‘merica hatin’ and weird names! If you got more than one z in yer name, you ain’t allowed!

In all seriousness, this guy might be a retard. I fully recommend anyone listen to this sports radio interview with him. I especially like where he seemingly tries to equate the pride that whites would feel about watching all white basketball with the pride that black people feel over Obama being elected. Simply incredible. Also, I don’t know who the host of that show is, but did you actually say that this jackoff stain sounds intelligent? REALLY?