NFL Divisional Playoffs Predictions

I went 2-2 last week. Hopefully I can show some goddamn improvement here.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts

The Ravens looked excellent against New England, but the Pats defence possesses as much speed as you’re likely to find in a typical retirement home. Indy’s defence can run. The issue with them is that size wise, they sort of look like blue and white clad Lilliputians. This hasn’t hurt them too much this year, but Baltimore plays a physical, pounding brand of football.

On the other hand, the Colts score at will. Peyton Manning is not so much a quarterback…no, he’s some sort of cyborg programmed for pure football excellence. The guy makes ripping defences apart look as difficult as pitch and catch. He also has a rather ginormous melon….maybe to contain a genetically altered uberbrain???

Anyway, I’ll take he of the malformed dome over the Ray Lewis Murder Express, but it will be a close game. I’m also going to make up some sort of arbitrary competition matchup for each game. For this one…which is mentioned more : Ray Lewis is credited by the announcers for his amazing leadership, or Peyton Manning gets angry when a receiver misses a catch? (I’ll take Lewis)

New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers

Take a look at San Diego’s receiving corps. Now look at Philip Rivers’ stats the last 2 years. How the fuck did that happen? Sure, Antonio Gates and Vincent Jackson are nice players, but the rest of those guys aren’t much to look at. A worn out Chris Chambers (who couldn’t even start full time FOR THE CHIEFS after San Diego cut him), Kassim Osgood (With that name, I hereby decree that his nickname from this point forth be ‘Genie’), Craig ‘Bust’ Davis (I think that actually is his nickname, but the networks go with ‘Buster’ to protect his feelings), Malcolm Floyd, LEGEDU NAANEE (the sort of name usually reserved for a grumpy wizard in a children’s story). And it isn’t like he’s gotten much support from a ground game consisting of the shell of a man that used to be known as LT and Darren ‘Mighty Midget’ Sproles. It’s insane!

So its Rivers and the Miracles vs. Capt. Poise and ball dropper extraordinaire Braylon Edwards. The Jet defence is really good, but so is the Chargers unit. In the end, I expect the Chargers to win, and win comfortably, because the Jets have a one way ticket to Turnover City. And with that in mind, what category ends with a higher total : Mark Sanchez interceptions, or Braylon Edwards drops? (I’ll take Sanchez)

Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings

From the way the pundits have been talking, the Red Hot Cowboys have won approximately 327 consecutive football games, handing their titles away to other teams because the Lombardi Trophy is simply not cool enough and beneath them. The Vikings have been a bit scattershot from week to week, especially Grampa Favre. One game he looks like a cool field general, throwing for 293 yards and 3 touchdowns while barely stifling a yawn. The next game, he looks like an incontinent only grouch, bitter because he’s missing Matlock and he just shat himself.

Meanwhile, Dallas has Tony Romo, a man featuring one of those weird sort of ‘retard’ grins where you don’t know if he’s happy at racking up a bedpost notch count fast enough to make Wilt look lazy, or planning to brutally slaughter the neighbour who keeps parking in front of his house.

At any rate, I’ve got the Cowboys winning this. DeMarcus Ware will kill Favre and wear him as a hat and Purple Jesus will run for 165 yards…and his fumbles will be returned for 173 yards and two touchdowns by the Cowboy defence. The higher total for this game…announcers mention how Favre just looks like a kid having fun out there, or announcers call Favre a gunslinger? (I’ll go with the kid one)

Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints

On the flip side from the aforementioned Cowboys, the football analysts act as though New Orleans last won a game in 2001 and was handed the division because of some sort of league pity mandate. They face the schizophrenic Cardinals defence and Kurt Warner, the only quarterback I have ever seen who whines to an official about something after EVERY FUCKING PLAY. I’m pretty sure the Bible makes mention of showing grace and not being a whining cunt, Kurt…maybe read it.

The Cards offense is coming off of a shellacking of the Packers defence, which finished #2 in the league during the season. Meanwhile, the Saints defence has shown as much resistance lately as a comatose rape victim, and Charles Grant is now on IR. On the other hand, Arizona gave up 45 points in that win last week, and New Orleans can score…like the pervert orderly in a coma ward (yep, I went there).

I’m picking the Saints to win in a shoot out. And the contest for this game is : Which happens more…Kurt complains about something, or the announce team talks about the possibility of Kurt retiring? (I’ll take whining)