Bring On the Playoffs!

So, by popular demand from my co-Head of the Consortium, I shall take a look at the impending NFL playoffs.

New York Jets vs. Cincinnati Bengals

A rematch of a week 17 ass kicking, where the Jets stomped all over the Bengals to the tune of 37-0. Of course, since the Bengals had already clinched their playoff position, the Jets basically beat the shit out of a bunch of guys not good enough for regular football duty who sit on the bench all year just in case their team plays well enough to need to rest their starters. The Jets may as well have stomped the fuck out of the fifth grade class of St. Ebenezer’s Elementary.

What this comes down to is the Bengals vs. the incredible level of poise displayed by Mark Sanchez, which he must have in spades since it’s ALL I EVER HEAR ANYONE TALK ABOUT. One more word about him and his goddamn poise and I will crucify a random passer by. Where was all this magical talk of poise when he was throwing 5 picks a game? Perhaps the interceptions were thrown with such precision that they shouldn’t even have really counted as turnovers.

Also, how in the fuck did Alan Faneca make the Pro Bowl? Worst pick in the conference…the guy is worse at pass protection than Dane Cook is at making smart people laugh.

Seeing as the Jets made the playoffs due to their final two opponents playing their scrubs (woohoo! Playoffs via pity!), this should be an absolute flogging at the hands of Cincy, poise be damned!

Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots

Thanks to the Houston Texans deciding “We can’t make the playoffs? Let’s fuck up this team that can!” on Sunday against the Pats, this matchup became a lot tighter. Tom Brady is busy picking the remnants of his shattered rib cage out of his internal organs, and Wes Welker’s knee exploded.

So, yeah. Randy Moss should have some big plays against a set of corners marginally more talented than the Ghost of Christmas Past…if he feels like playing hard. Meanwhile, Ray Rice and Willis McGahee should put up yards against a run defence just slightly more effective than melted cheese when it comes to tackling ball carriers.

In the end, I see the Pats eking out a victory, unless Ray Lewis plants his shoulder in to Tom Brady’s flak jacket and pounds what’s left of his rib cage in to fine powder. In that case, a rageful Gisele Bundchen will hop on to the field and slash Ray’s throat with her engagement ring, and the Ravens will rally around their martyred leader and win the game.

Green Bay Packers at Arizona Cardinals

So the Cards get the home game for winning a division they share with Larry, Curly and Moe. I am honestly convinced that a collection of my readers (you woebegone poor bastards) could defeat at least two of the Rams, Seahawks and 49ers.

Green Bay smashed Arizona, but again, the Cards had their backups in the game. The difference here is that Green Bay tends to rely on that old fashioned ‘talent’ stuff over ‘poise’ leading them to a win.

On the other side of the field, Arizona is as consistent as a bi-polar schizophrenic who has recently suffered a severe blow to the head, especially on defence. One week, they’re blasting quarterbacks in to low orbit and crushing running backs like steamrollers. The next, they’re nothing but holes. And the worst of the bunch is the most egregious Pro Bowl selection for the NFC, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. How does a guy get voted in as an All Pro after a season in which he is benched for sucking at covering receivers (which is his job)? Did he spend a month blowing voters?

I kind of have a feeling that the Packers pull of the road win, although I think that’s due more to my dislike of Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner, a man who seems to think that Jesus is sitting there on his shoulder, pointing out open receivers downfield. With any luck he will lose, and one of his bad passes will smash his wife square in the face, fracturing her jaw and ending any possibility of her being interviewed. Fucking harpy.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys

Another rematch from a Week 17 game, in this case with Dallas making Philly look as though they had all suffered amnesia and forgotten the playbooks, the schemes, and what the Hell a football is even for.

The difference in this game was that this happened to an Eagles squad playing their starters and trying to get a home playoff date. Dallas absolutely dominated them, and I could definitely see it happening again. My one quibble about the Cowboys is that Marion Barber, who was a tackle breaking monster two years ago, now goes down on initial contact with air. This is mitigated by the fact that his backups are awesome.

Can the Eagles win the game? Sure, if they get their entire team to do a complete 180 in one week. Since coach Andy Reid can’t successfully convince his own kids that maybe getting off the blow and avoiding prison is a good idea, I don’t see him managing to convince 53 guys that they really CAN beat the Cowboys. Especially with them playing at Dallas, in that ridiculous monstrosity of a stadium built by a billion dollars (not a typo or exaggeration) and Jerry Jones’ ego. Cowboys win.