Good Old Fashioned Funny Racism

The Chitling Test of Intelligence. Ever heard of it? Basically, a ridiculously biased test of 15 questions drawn up in the 60’s to allow for ‘fair testing’ of negroes. They constructed the questions to apply to black people. Probably not so funny then, but now…holy hilarity, Batman!

Anyway, even if you HAVE heard of it, you may not have ever actually SEEN it. Well, as a community service to my blog audience (blogience?), I present the test.

1. A “handkerchief head” is:
(a) a cool cat, (b) a porter, (c) an Uncle Tom, (d) a hoddi, (e) a preacher.

If you’re anything like me, you are suddenly realizing just how very white you really are. That, and wondering what the Hell a hoddi is.

2. Which word is most out of place here?
(a) splib, (b) blood, (c) gray, (d) spook, (e) black.

Welcome to how you would feel if you took the bus to the middle of Harlem.

3. A “gas head” is a person who has a:
(a) fast-moving car, (b) stable of “lace,” (c) “process,” (d) habit of stealing cars, (e) long jail record for arson.

I hereby declare that ‘stable of lace’ is the greatest euphemism for a prostitution ring that will ever be created. At least, I’m assuming that’s what it means.

4. “Bo Diddley” is a:
(a) game for children, (b) down-home cheap wine, (c) down-home singer, (d) new dance, (e) Moejoe call.

5. “Hully Gully” came from:
(a) East Oakland, (b) Fillmore, (c) Watts, (d) Harlem, (e) Motor City.

In other words, from which place that no white person would EVER go did this term originate?

6. Cheap chitlings (not the kind you purchase at a frozen food counter) will taste rubbery unless they are cooked long enough. How soon can you quit cooking them to eat and enjoy them?
(a) 45 minutes, (b) 2 hours, (c) 24 hours, (d) 1 week (on a low flame), (e) 1 hour.

I’ll give you a bit of help here. Chitlings are pig intestines. Mmmmmm.

7. What are the “Dixie Hummingbirds?”
(a) part of the KKK, (b) a swamp disease, (c) a modern gospel group, (d) a Mississippi Negro paramilitary group, (e) Deacons.

You all want to answer D so badly you can taste it. It’s just so awesomely over the top.

8. If you throw the dice and 7 is showing on the top, what is facing down?
(a) 7, (b) snake eyes, (c) boxcars, (d) little Joes, (e) 11.

Those crazy black folk and their endless dice gambling! Probably using welfare money too, the wacky sods!

9. “Jet” is:
(a) an East Oakland motorcycle club, (b) one of the gangs in “West Side Story,” (c) a news and gossip magazine, (d) a way of life for the very rich.

The problem with this question…at least 2 of the answers are actually correct.

10. T-Bone Walker got famous for playing what?
(a) trombone, (b) piano, (c) “T-flute,” (d) guitar, (e) “hambone.”

And when they aren’t gambling away their state money, they’re listening to their ‘dark music’…probably while trying to fornicate with white women! Ahahaha!

11. “Bird” or “Yardbird” was the “jacket” that jazz lovers from coast to coast hung on:
(a) Lester Young, (b) Peggy Lee, (c) Benny Goodman, (d) Charlie Parker, (e) “Birdman of Alcatraz.”

What follows is the single most ridiculously racist question that I have EVER seen. It’s absolutely stupendous.

12. Hattie Mae Johnson is on the County. She has four children and her husband is now in jail for non-support, as he was unemployed and was not able to give her any money. Her welfare check is now $286 per month. Last night she went out with the highest player in town. If she got pregnant, then nine months from now how much more will her welfare check be?
(a) $80, (b) $2, (c) $35, (d) $150, (e) $100.

Yes Virginia, THAT question was on a state-written test supposedly written so that black people could understand it. Just drink that in.

13. “Money don’t get everything it’s true .”
(a) but I don’t have none and I’m so blue, (b) but what it don’t get I can’t use, (c) so make do with what you’ve got, (d) but I don’t know that and neither do you.

How come I never once received a test with LYRICS as a QUESTION?!

14. How much does a short dog cost?
(a) $0.15, (b) $2.00, (c) $0.35, (d) $0.05, (e) $0.86 plus tax.

You’re on your own for this one.

15. Many people say that “Juneteenth” (June 19) should be made a legal holiday because this was the day when:
(a) the slaves were freed in the USA, (b) the slaves were freed in Texas, (c) the slaves were freed in Jamaica, (d) the  slaves were freed in California, (e) Martin Luther King was born, (f) Booker T. Washington died.

And when we say ‘many people’ we really mean’ many black people who can’t speak properly due to their race’.

There you go, you’re done! Wasn’t that AWESOME?! To find out how you did, here is the answer sheet. I scored a whopping 5…I only got that much due to nailing all of the music ones. I believe that would rank me somewhere between ‘The Man’ and ‘Jive Talking Uncle Tom’, but I’m not sure. How white are you, pasty devils?