How Does This Shit Always Happen To Me?!

How do these people find me? Do I attract them?

I logged in to Skype today and there was a message waiting for me, a polite Hello from someone calling himself or herself contentwriter 2009. What a lovely way to start a Skype session! Of course, I have no idea who the Hell this person is, but why let that spoil such a lovely greeting?

Then I received a second Hello…the first had been there for some time. Well, wondering who this was, I asked. And that began the strangest conversation that I think I have ever been involved in. I still have no idea who in the Hell this person is and what they thought I do, but goddamn was this fun!

One last warning…this is long. Like 4300 words long. I’m copy/pasting a lot of chat logs here from our IM conversation.

[6:58:12 PM] contentwriter2009: hello
[7:10:20 PM] Cliff Riseborough: And you are?
[7:11:08 PM] contentwriter2009: how are you
[7:11:23 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Uh…not to be a jerk, but WHO are you?

Normally, I would be a total jerk of course, but I was curious. I’m glad I was curious.

[7:12:15 PM] contentwriter2009: well i am a content writer
[7:12:58 PM] Cliff Riseborough: I figured that much. I’m more interested in specifics…who you are, why you’re contacting me, that sort of thing.
[7:13:43 PM] contentwriter2009: sir i am looking content writing work
[7:14:22 PM] contentwriter2009: can i get from you
[7:14:55 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Again, not trying to be a jerk, but I have no idea WHO you are or how you got my name. I’d like some more information.

By this point I’m in full What…the…fuck? mode. I need to know more.

[7:15:40 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:15:49 PM] contentwriter2009: i found your id on google search
[7:15:59 PM] contentwriter2009: well i am content writer from india
[7:17:31 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay. So why are you looking me up and contacting me?
[7:17:51 PM] contentwriter2009: i think you can provide me content writing work
[7:17:57 PM] contentwriter2009: thats why
[7:19:06 PM] Cliff Riseborough: You mean that I’ll write for you or you’ll write for me?
[7:19:23 PM] Cliff Riseborough: And you realize there is no way I can enter an agreement with someone without knowing their name.

Apparently I need content written for me. News to me, but okay. And note that I never get the guy’s name…not exactly shocking. Still, by this point I’m becoming giddy. I can sense the pure delight that may soon unfold.

[7:19:25 PM] contentwriter2009: i will write for you
[7:20:45 PM] contentwriter2009: so tell me can i do
[7:21:10 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Well, to you have any examples of your work that I can look at? I can’t very well hire you to write for me without that.
[7:21:31 PM] contentwriter2009: yes i  have
[7:22:25 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay, what sorts of things have you written? Also, how is it that you determined I’m looking for people to write for me?
[7:22:31 PM] contentwriter2009: give me your mail id

AHAHAHAHA! Sorry, you must have mistaken me for your retarded brother in law. You know, the one your father sold your sister to who was later kicked in the head by a cow. Yeah, how about I throw in my banking information?!

[7:23:19 PM] Cliff Riseborough: My email? And again, what sorts of things have you written?
[7:23:56 PM] contentwriter2009: pay per clieck campaign, internet marketing
[7:24:24 PM] contentwriter2009: why blogging is so imporatant
[7:24:41 PM] contentwriter2009: i have writtent these type of topics

Note that something you want to see from a potential content writer is a horrible lack of being able to write in English. Very important. You want your potential audience baffled and confused.

[7:24:51 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Interesting. And what could you bring to my campaign? Why should I choose you?
[7:27:05 PM] contentwriter2009: i can write quality articles for your campaign and you should choose me because i think i am best
[7:27:24 PM] contentwriter2009: and i will be beneficial for your campaign

I really wish that I had found a way to ask what my campaign is. I would love to have gotten his perspective. Still, I can’t argue with his reasoning. I want him because he’s the goddamn best! He’s like Gordon Gecko, only without the substance, style or point. Eventually, we get to what I do for a living…but I’ll leave that bit of fun for when it comes up.

[7:28:08 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Let’s see how well you think on your feet. Come up with an example of what you would write. Doesn’t need to be anything long, just something.
[7:28:21 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:29:06 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay, you can just type it in here. Doesn’t need to be too long.
[7:29:16 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:30:03 PM | Removed 7:32:30 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.

Now, there WAS content there. He removed it five minutes later. Luckily, I was ready to copy/paste the damn thing in to a text file as soon as he said he’d produce something. Go back and refresh yourself to this guy’s version of English. Now breeze through this. If he wrote this fucking monstrosity, I have tits. Oh, the stuff he clearly ripped off isn’t short. Feel free to skim…I did.

PPC – Campaign Management
Harnessed internet technology has opened up more doors for the businessman than it has for any other segment of society. If you have an enterprising nature and are for some reason bound to a place, then the PPC Campaign management is exclusively for you! Online Business Opportunity just got bolder and better with this highly innovative game-plan.
So what exactly is PPC?
Well, Pay Per Click is a popular advertising model. This exquisite technology driven management strategy is used by all the search engines. The extravaganza of the indulgence lies in the fact that the PPC Campaign management requires you to make a payment every time someone, in some remote region of the world, clicks on your advertisement online!
What’s in it for you, if you have to pay?
PPC Campaign management gives you the opportunity to gain from the potential of other people around the world. This management strategy is very effective and today ‘paid search’ is a thriving competitive arena. The marketplace for your goods and services now are not bound to geographical confines anymore! Statistics and recent research reveal that the PPC Campaign management strategy is growing in popularity by the second.
How do you become a part of the profitability?
All that you need to do is invest in the ready-made teams of certified professionals. These skilled technicians make your profitability their business from the moment you sign on. They use the technology at hand to improve the positioning of your business in the global online market and tap on the potential of the online business opportunity to lower advertising costs.
Where’s the guarantee?
PPC Campaign management is a valuable business asset. You begin making a global presence the moment you pay for leveraging the experience of SMEs or the Search Marketing Experts. This guarantees you more clicks and inquires about the business and the added advantage of turning these queries into sales, thus generating profit for your business.
What’s the cost factor involved?
PPC Campaign management assures you of effective advertising campaigns for the goods and products or services that you provide through the established business. The higher ROI earned helps the business performance to be boosted. Your business benefits from the advanced technology, gained competitor insight and special activity analysis that is offered free of cost!
How to sign on:
You can access the best PPC Campaign management strategy providers online as well as offline, 24×7. All the in house professionals offer you the application from years of experience, carefully assimilated knowledge and certification to back the guarantee given. You get to bag the positive results from this highly innovative solution almost immediately. There are PPC Campaign management strategies for businesses in many industries. They are all headed by internet marketing experts.
PPC Campaign management helps you to not only target local customers, but also display your listings within the specified radius. The best part of this internet based advertising strategy is that you can keep on, consistently, refining the campaign in terms of lowered cost and improved performance. Success in this application is measured in terms of the best strategy and not the technology used. The in house experts help you to gain by analyzing your ‘buying’ process and the words used by your clientele to ‘search’ for your services or products.

I guarantee you that this is stolen from someone who can actually write.

[7:31:42 PM] contentwriter2009: read this article
[7:31:51 PM] contentwriter2009: this article has already published

Oh, I have no doubt of that! I just doubt that you had ANYTHING to do with it.

[7:31:53 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Impressive concept, but I need an example of something more specific to my needs. I promise not to use anything you give me, I just need an idea of how you would make this concept work for me.
[7:34:05 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:36:09 PM] contentwriter2009: i already sent you an sample article
[7:36:34 PM] contentwriter2009: you can select me from this article
[7:36:51 PM] contentwriter2009: so tell me can i write for you
[7:37:54 PM] contentwriter2009: plz tell me

Goddamn…this guy’s a tough negotiator!

[7:37:55 PM] Cliff Riseborough: I realize you already did so, but I need to convince the others involved in my venture that you’re the right person for the job.
[7:38:19 PM] contentwriter2009: i think i am the right person
[7:38:21 PM] contentwriter2009: try me
[7:38:40 PM] contentwriter2009: and you will get quality in each and every article
[7:39:16 PM] Cliff Riseborough: I agree. I think you are the right person. My venture partner, though…he’s going to need convincing.

What the fuck…since I already apparently am a commercial entity, I may as well grow it in to a commercial partnership. Imagining things is fun!

[7:39:34 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:39:40 PM] Cliff Riseborough: What types of articles have you written before?
[7:40:46 PM] contentwriter2009: i have written many article Technical and Non-Technical

Wow. Clearly this guy is a pro. Future winner of a Pulitzer, this guy! Tech AND Non-Tech?! That’s the new version of Fiction AND Non-Fiction!

[7:40:54 PM] contentwriter2009: both
[7:41:15 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:41:50 PM] Cliff Riseborough: So, my partner was just asking if you’ve written anything we would be able to look at right now?
[7:42:02 PM] Cliff Riseborough: He’s quite excited at the chance to see something.

[7:42:11 PM] contentwriter2009: ok

And now we have example 2. Again, you tell me if you think this motherfucker is capable of writing something readable about a sandwich, much less this blathering desciption of Alltel’s Cell service. Again, it ain’t short.

Alltel Cellular Phones and Service SECOND

Alltel Cell Phones

Alltel is considered to be one of the major wireless cellular service providers in the United States, which provides various cell phone plans with worldwide coverage. People who look for Alltel Cell Phones do have an excellent range of cell phones from which they can select. They include famous LG, Palm Treo, Moto Q and Motorola RAZR models. Alltel Cell Phone service providers usually offer a wide range of prepaid, family and individual cell phone plans. Their individual cell phone plan begins at 39.99 dollars with a National Freedom Plan. This plan allows 500 minutes of unlimited mobile to mobile calling weekends, free worldwide long distance, My Circle and unlimited weekends and night features. With the Alltel’s My Circle feature, the users can call 10 numbers free, from any other network, but from the US.

Even though the coverage area is wide, it is the best coverage in Alaska, Southeast and other regions of western US. Moreover, countrywide roaming fees of 59 cents every minute can be acquired in some areas of the country. Confirming the coverage before purchasing the plan is always sensible. The cell phone plans of Alltel even include several alternatives with superior longer distance options. For example, the North America Freedom Plan from Alltel offers no roaming charges for the calls in US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada and also includes those countries which are toll-free. Any person using the cell phone understands the importance of tracking to avoid the expenditure associated with using the plan minutes. Text messaging and tracking the use of minutes is quite easy on the phone, online or via text message service. Alltel offers a wide range of features for all wireless cell phone users.

Alltel Unlocked Cell Phones

Actually, unlocked cell phones are GSM phones, where in the network is not locked by the carrier. Unlocking a cell phone means that it enables the user to operate his or her cell phone with any GSM network provider in the world. The user simply has to insert the SIM Card into his or her cell phone and start making and receiving calls instantly. GSM is a standard digital technology which is compatible with TDMA, CDMA and IDEN. A GSM unlocked cell phone is directly accessible and usable by anyone, which means that the user can use the SIM Card in any compatible cell phone.

So, with GSM cell phones such as Alltel Unlocked Cell Phones anyone can switch phones unless the service provider has their network locked. When a person in United States travels abroad, he or she can easily swap the SIM Card with any foreign SIM Card. This will give them the much required freedom to use their cell phones that become compatible with the foreign network. Basically there are two methods of unlocking a cell phone; one is by entering a code and the other, with software. Using the cell phone when traveling abroad was not possible before, but with the latest GSM technology it has become a reality.

[7:46:20 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Very good. Very good. He’s quite impressed!

Lemme tell ya, that fictional motherfucker was doing cartwheels! Then he turned in to a sports car and sped off in to the night to fight crime. Hey, my imagination, my kickass business partner!

[7:46:45 PM] Cliff Riseborough: So, we’re curious, how did you find out about us? We’d love to know which service is getting us such good results.
[7:47:40 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Oops, my mistake…you had already said it was a Google search.
[7:54:00 PM] contentwriter2009: yes
[7:54:15 PM] contentwriter2009: so tell me can i work for you
[7:55:04 PM] Cliff Riseborough: What did you search for? We always love to know what search tags lead to us. Helps us market better.
[7:55:59 PM] contentwriter2009: i search content writer job skype id

I searched the same thing. There actually were hits for that shit, believe it or not. And at the top of the list was this particular site. The writing ‘style’ sorta looks a bit familiar! Or perhaps it could be this guy. Also seems like his MO. This is their promo article, by the way…

Yes, you heard that right. We have excess stock of hot coffee but not enough people to spend sleepless nights consuming it. Are you passionate about the world of MBA education? Do you get excitedly lap up news and analysis on business schools in newspapers? Are you brimming with questions on why the gears in the MBA world turn the way they do? We’ll give you a chance to find out the answers to those questions and also inform the world about it! Join the PaGaLGuY Editorial Team as a Fulltime Blogger.

Are you a retard who can hold a pen? We want you! Actually, the whole mess of both sites looks inter-related. He has dozens of these sites, plus a Twitter feed. You best believe I’m following that fucker! You can too, right here : http://twitter.com/aakashshah

How many of those do you think that guy actually writes?

[7:56:10 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:56:57 PM] contentwriter2009: now tell me from when can i start work with you
[7:57:04 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Excellent. That helps us out a lot…uhhh…what should I call you, anyway?
[7:57:41 PM] contentwriter2009: call me amit

Would you settle for moron?

[7:57:46 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[7:57:48 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Well, we need to get in to the details now. For example, how often could you write something for us? How long would it be?
[7:58:02 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Also, what would you charge?
[7:58:17 PM] Cliff Riseborough: We realize that quality doesn’t come cheap, but we also don’t have unlimited resources.
[7:58:27 PM] contentwriter2009: yes
[7:58:51 PM] contentwriter2009: for 500 words article how much you offers me
[7:58:58 PM] contentwriter2009: you tell me first
[8:00:01 PM] contentwriter2009:  you have seen my quality
[8:01:49 PM] contentwriter2009: so tell me now how much you can pay
[8:01:54 PM] contentwriter2009: for 500 words article

I have indeed seen your quality. As a result, I need to bleach my eyes.

[8:02:24 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Well, and this is just a starting bid, would $12 per article be a good starting point? Feel free to come back with a different number. We’re open to negotiation.
[8:02:41 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:02:49 PM] contentwriter2009: what about 15$
[8:02:58 PM] contentwriter2009: we can start with it
[8:03:15 PM] contentwriter2009: and i will give you high quality articles each time
[8:03:25 PM] contentwriter2009: so are you agree

Sure! What the Hell. I’m willing to throw in an additional 3 nonexistent clams per article, but not a penny more!

[8:03:41 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay, sounds good. My partner is wondering how we pay you? This is all new to us.
[8:05:03 PM] contentwriter2009: you can pay threw paypal or western union bank transfer
[8:05:17 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:05:33 PM] Cliff Riseborough: And who do we pay? Is it you directly, or do we pay you through a company? Do you have a company or are you independent?
[8:05:53 PM] contentwriter2009: i am independent
[8:06:07 PM] contentwriter2009: so you have to pay me directly
[8:06:24 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Do you give us your paypal information and we do it that way?
[8:06:35 PM] contentwriter2009: yes i will do
[8:06:49 PM] contentwriter2009: so can we start work from next week
[8:07:55 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Hold on a second, my partner and I are talking to our financial manager about the arrangement.

Hey, my company needs a goddamn financial manager! I’m not equipped for that!

[8:08:04 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:08:22 PM] Cliff Riseborough: This was so much easier when Cliffco was a small company and I didn’t need to deal with stuff like this.

Ain’t that the truth! I remember the halycon days of when that nonexistent corporation was able to do whatever it wanted at my whim. I didn’t have staff and expenses to worry about back then.

[8:08:48 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:14:18 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Sorry about the wait, amit. You know how these things are.
[8:14:26 PM] contentwriter2009: yes
[8:15:01 PM] contentwriter2009: so have you concern
[8:15:35 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Not me or my partner. However, my marketing director is wondering if you can provide something relevant to our business model? Do you have any examples of work you’ve done like that?

Without marketing, how can Cliffco go anywhere?

[8:16:21 PM] contentwriter2009: i dont have right now
[8:16:29 PM] contentwriter2009: but i can write
[8:16:46 PM] contentwriter2009: so tell me can i start writing for your company from next week
[8:17:01 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Well, that is a bit of a problem. Do you have any ideas of something you would write? I don’t need an article, but can you give an example of a topic you would write about?
[8:18:23 PM] contentwriter2009: it means you don’t need article
[8:18:32 PM] contentwriter2009: and me
[8:18:35 PM] contentwriter2009: m i right
[8:18:37 PM] contentwriter2009: ?

Sweet Jesus, no! This cannot end yet!

[8:18:52 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Not at all. It means we need to see an example of what kind of article you could write for us.
[8:19:12 PM] contentwriter2009: i already sent 2 examples
[8:19:34 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Let me put it this way. How would you bring business to OUR site?
[8:19:47 PM] Cliff Riseborough: I don’t need you to write me out a full article, just an idea.
[8:22:45 PM] contentwriter2009: ok i will write in article about your business  and  benefits of your business why should people join you and much more
[8:22:48 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:23:34 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Sounds good. But I mean something specific. What is our business, and why should people use it? That sort of thing.

[8:26:09 PM | Removed 8:37:31 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.

From this point on, he started removing comments. I didn’t notice until the end of our conversation, when I did my last copy/paste grab. Still, the gist gets across.

[8:26:10 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:27:01 PM] contentwriter2009: because i dont know about your business

Hmmm…okay, so I need to come up with a business now for Cliffco to be involved in.

[8:27:15 PM | Removed 8:37:36 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:27:17 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:27:18 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay, good point. We’re in the entertainment industry. We make movies.
[8:27:24 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Let me direct you to our site.

Okay, I decided I wanted to go for something weird. So, I actually launched a Google search for midget clown porn. I got hits. If you REALLY wanna see it, hit the link below. I don’t blame you if you don’t.

[8:27:28 PM | Removed 8:37:46 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:27:31 PM] Cliff Riseborough: http://www.doozagalleries.com/clownsandmidgets/v1/2/?wid=802419
[8:28:24 PM | Removed 8:38:51 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed. (this was something about…’you do porn?’)
[8:28:49 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Yes I do. I am a pornographer to people with eclectic tastes.

To say the least.

[8:29:01 PM | Removed 8:38:46 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:29:01 PM] Cliff Riseborough: In fact, I operate the camera on many shoots. It’s an interesting job.

Why not? I’m a CEO AND I get right in on hot tiny clown action!

[8:29:10 PM] contentwriter2009: ok
[8:29:22 PM] contentwriter2009: but you told you have company
[8:29:23 PM] Cliff Riseborough: So anyway, as you can imagine there is a LOT of porn on the Internet. How would you convince people to come and watch ours?

A valid question and concern! There’s an ocean of crazy film of people doing possibly illegal things to each other with or without animals or implements out there. I need these wee clown folk to stand out!

[8:29:37 PM] Cliff Riseborough: It is a company. We sell movies through mail order.
[8:29:45 PM | Removed 8:38:40 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:30:02 PM] contentwriter2009: np
[8:30:13 PM] contentwriter2009: i can conveince people on this topic
[8:30:21 PM] contentwriter2009: to watch yourmovies
[8:30:40 PM] contentwriter2009: ok

Holy shit, he’s in! The fucker is in! Where you and I see tiny folk in fright wigs and makeup, he sees dollar signs. That’s the way to get ahead!

[8:30:54 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Sounds great! Now, this is a bit of an awkward question, but are you comfortable talking about clown pornography in your articles?
[8:31:04 PM] contentwriter2009: no
[8:31:21 PM | Removed 8:38:35 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:31:34 PM] contentwriter2009: sorry
[8:31:47 PM] contentwriter2009: i can’t write anything about pornography
[8:31:49 PM] contentwriter2009: ok

What?! But…but you were in to it! I…dammit! I thought you were a professional?! A pro rolls with the punches! He doesn’t give up at the first sign of greasepaint and grunting, you pussy! Well, nothing to lose now. Let’s go for broke!

[8:32:12 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Okay, I understand. Would you be able to write about the mail order side of our business?
[8:32:38 PM | Removed 8:38:30 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed. (This was something along the lines of ‘Maybe yes, maybe no’.)
[8:33:05 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Also, my partner is asking…I apologize, he’s a bit of a jerk…but we’re always looking for people to star in our films. Do you own a clown wig? Are you under 5 feet in height?

Say hello to going for broke!

[8:33:15 PM | Removed 8:38:26 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:33:30 PM] contentwriter2009: byeee
[8:33:43 PM] contentwriter2009: i dont want to write for you
[8:33:48 PM] contentwriter2009: so bye

I think this is a sign that Cliffco has indeed gone broke.

[8:33:51 PM] Cliff Riseborough: We do have another business.
[8:34:02 PM | Removed 8:38:20 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:34:53 PM] contentwriter2009: ok byee
[8:35:08 PM] contentwriter2009: and dont buz me again

Hey, dumbass…nobody buzzed you! You invite yourself in to MY home during the evening, spend a bunch of time drinking MY beer and eating MY pizza, then I bring up little people pumping painted up weirdos with red noses and YOU tell ME not to bother YOU ever again?! Eat shit, good sir!

[8:35:09 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Sorry we couldn’t make it work.
[8:35:18 PM | Removed 8:38:04 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:35:21 PM] Cliff Riseborough: You buzzed me, you illiterate retard.
[8:35:29 PM | Removed 8:38:13 PM] contentwriter2009: This message has been removed.
[8:35:35 PM] contentwriter2009: np
[8:35:43 PM] contentwriter2009: but now bye forever
[8:35:58 PM] Cliff Riseborough: Seea ya, cake eater.
[8:36:49 PM] Cliff Riseborough: If you ever want a clown in you, you know where to cum.

And so it ends. I was totally prepared to keep this going for as long as possible. I still have his Skype contact info, so I may try for a repeat in a few days. Perhaps my other business will be smuggling?

Oh, the cake eater comment probably needs a bit of explanation. I was playing some online multiplayer and, instead of having some illiterate 13 year old drop a ‘Fuck you, nigger!’ on me, I was called a cake eater. I think that’s an insult, but I’m not entirely sure.

So there you have it. These people keep finding me. And I fucking love it! In a way I’m sad, because I don’t know if I can ever top this.

You hear me, Internet wack jobs?! I CHALLENGE YOU ALL! I’m dropping the goddamn gauntlet!

Now we’ll see if any of you has the cojones to pick it up. You think you can beat Amit, or whatever the fuck his name is, here? Show me. But you best be bringin’ your A game to this freak convention, bitches.

Until next time.

Sweet lord do I hope there is a next time.