The Week 5 NFL Report of Mockery – NFC Edition

Yay! More really quite inappropriate commentary and jokes in the worst of taste all used to try and pummel the self esteem of the crappy. Woohoo!

Dallas – What is this team? Really? They seem to be built for running the ball and yet they’re only winning because they’re throwing the damn thing 795 times a week. That big, bad offensive line from a couple of years ago is still big, but the bad has gone from the bad where you’ll beat the shit out of someone for looking at you funny to the bad where you shit your pants and cry a lot because you’re lame. They cannot pass block…I’ve seen more lateral quickness from plywood…and they can’t get downfield to block for the run anymore. And what happened to the pass rush? I thought Wade was a defensive guru…take that away and isn’t he basically just your fat uncle?

New York – So you mean having 18 different defensive linemen who can crush someone rotating in for each other is a GOOD thing? Apparently so. They don’t have a great receiver but they have about 6 who are at least decent. And remember when Eli Manning was Peyton’s retarded little brother? He still looks the part but the guy can throw a damn ball.

Philadelphia – Another team with a bajillion receivers who can make a play. And even though Shawn Andrews is out due to being a fat sad fuck, the line is still blocking quite well. Defensively, they continue to bring in zone corners and magically transfer them in to man to man cover guys. Perhaps Andy Reid made a deal with God where his own kids become crack addled dimwits but any defensive back he brings in is magically imbued with skillz. Also, their free safety’s name is Macho Harris. Sweet.

Washington – Daniel Snyder is one of those picked on little shits who tries to fill that hole in his life by buying a bunch of shit. And he’s brought that philosophy to the Skins. Sure, the starting line up isn’t bad, but they’ve blown so much cap room on it that they have no depth. I think the team doctor is also the first linebacker off the bench. Jason Campbell is officially done after this year as a starting quarterback. Clinton Portis looks absolutely finished…what a fucking waste of a career. And yeah, maybe spending nearly $80 million on DeAngelo ‘Overrated bag of dicks’ Hall and Fred ‘I’m on a boat’ Smoot wasn’t a great idea.

Chicago – Da Bearz! Yeah, that isn’t tired and stale yet. I hate Jay Cutler. He’s a smug whiny little bitch who I would dearly love to see thrown in to prison and tag teamed for awhile by a couple of guys named Jerome. Well, I don’t want to SEE it, I just want knowledge of it. However, he is a pretty decent player…until he gets it in his head that he’s Superman and can complete passes THROUGH defenders. Defensively, how SHOCKING that Ogunleye decides to start hitting quarterbacks again in a contract year.

Detroit – This team went 0-16 last year, and yet I would rank the Raiders, Rams, Browns and Chiefs as all being decidedly worse. There actually seems to be a glimmer of hope for the first time in awhile. They blew out a lot of the dumbass contracts Matt Millen signed, stopped drafting wide receivers every single year, and reaped the benefits of fleecing the Cowboys in the Roy Williams trade. Yes, Detroit ripping someone else off…amazing!

Green Bay – Aaron Rodgers might possibly be Iron Man. Check that, he had BETTER be goddamn Iron Man if he’s going to survive behind that line. I haven’t seen someone take a beating like that since Chris Brown decided it was time for Rihanna to get the fuck out of his car. Unless they can sort out their blocking they aren’t going anywhere. Defensively, the switch to a 3-4 is just going to take some adjustment time.

Minnesota – Well, as soon as the chance of a Williams Wall suspension went away I pretty much knew my pick for these guys was out the window. That defence is scary. And it’s good seeing that Sidney Rice is actually a pretty talented receiver when he’s healthy. However, if I have to sit through one more network hack cunt drooling over Lord Favre I am going to go shooting spree all up in ESPN.

Atlanta – I guess Michael Turner is impervious to the Curse of 370, huh? Doesn’t hurt that everyone around him is damn awesome. And that O had better keep scoring at will because that D is going to give points up like the French give up on wars. I think Erik Coleman is a decent player but when he is probably the THIRD BEST GUY on your D, you have issues! And their cornerback crew is like the populace of some Island for Misfit Defenders.

Carolina – I keep hearing about how John Fox is doomed, but what about the GM? Maybe bringing in a viable alternative to the unstoppable turnover machine known as Jake Delhomme would have been a decent idea? Perhaps finding anyone who can play defensive tackle would have been a good move? Fuck, grab some fat dude off a beer delivery truck and strap the pads on him…he would be an upgrade! This team is a mess. Their run is over and they need to start rebuilding around a few keeper pieces.

New Orleans – Thankfully Drew Brees cooled off from that insane start…we don’t need a second sun suddenly blooming in to reality in the deep south! Lots of receivers, an offensive line that has excelled despite losing Jammal Brown, and a shockingly good defence. One thing…can we PLEASE stop talking about the potential of fucking Reggie Bush?! He’s had several years and all that he’s shown is an ability to go down at the slightest nudge (perhaps having that in common with Kim Kardashian is why they hooked up…) and, when faced with a blocked defender with a clear rushing lane to either side, an amazing predilection to run right at that defender. He’s utter crap. He’s a bust.

Tampa Bay – Everyone criticized them for not blowing all of their cap room in a massive spending spree, but I think they made the right move. This team’s run had reached its end and it was time to reload. However, if you’re spending money on Byron Leftwich you are officially doing it wrong. Aside from his statue-like mobility, seven year long pass release, horrible mechanics, constant need to showboat after completing a meaningless 9 yard out and crazy resemblance to Fat Albert, he’s a great player. Why they re-signed Michael Clayton is beyond me…has he reached his rookie season numbers in every subsequent year combined?! And kudos to Cadillac Williams for being able to function without a working knee joint!

Arizona – Why is Mike Gandy the left tackle on this team? They throw it every down and he’s worse at pass blocking than JFK Jr. was at flying light aircraft. And if you’re going to run a 3-4 defence, perhaps investing in a pass rusher who isn’t an 8000 year old defensive end is a good way to go. Bertrand Berry played poker with Methuselah for fuck’s sake! There’s just enough here to convince you this team could be great. And there’s just as much to convince you that they could collapse at any time.

San Francisco – Now that Mike Singletary has gotten this team rolling, I expect we’ll have to deal with more coaches dropping trou in the locker room…and really, we all lose when that starts to happen. This guy has given Vernon Davis a heart, Shaun Hill a brain and the entire team some balls. And for his next trick, to inspire team unity he will make Michael Crabtree blow everyone else in the locker room. This kid has to be the dumbest motherfucker to come in to a team sport in years.

Seattle – Fuck Deion Branch. It was that jag off who started the whole ‘neon green shoes and gloves’ bullshit that soon spread to the most garishly ridiculous jersey this side of the old World League. Wasn’t it enough being the punch line to one of the worst trades in NFL history? This team looks okay, but for how long? They should have started rebuilding, and could have done so by taking Mark Sanchez in the draft. Sure, Aaron Curry is a stud linebacker but they could have had their franchise passer for the next 10 years. They passed it up for a shot at…what…a 9-7 record and first round playoff exit? Nice move, fucksticks.

St. Louis – Let’s see…we have two quarterbacks. One is paid $10 million a year to throw to the wrong team and get hurt a lot. The other is Kyle Boller, who throws it real hard…to the other team. We have a top notch running back and good run blocking crew, but a group of receivers so bad and so unknown that the coaches don’t even know what to call them. They just use a number system “Hey…84…uhhh…how’s it going?!” The defence blows goats. No, really…they actually suck off goats. At least I’m convinced that’s what they’re thinking about when they’re on the field. You know that last shit you took? It could beat this team 17-10.

Biggest Surprise – San Francisco. Perhaps the perennial ‘wait until next year’ team has finally shown up?

Biggest Letdown – Green Bay. I don’t think I have ever seen pass blocking that bad before these guys.