Anyone can do a report after a quarter of the season. It takes a REAL fan to wait until the fifth week to jump in! Hellz yeah, I be big pimpin all up in this bitch!
Buffalo – So yet again this year, they seem to have shot their wad on offense in the first 2 weeks. Trent Edwards is as far from being a starting calibre quarterback as that retarded kid who sat next to you on the bus the other day and wet himself. And maybe going in to a season with an actual, functioning offensive line might be worth the ol’ college try? Meanwhile, their thin linebacking corps is falling faster than Dick Jauron’s odds of keeping his job beyond mid season. Your opponent this past week had a starting quarterback complete TWO PASSES…I had a higher quarterback rating sitting on the couch at home…AND YOU LOST THE GAME?!
Miami – Hoooweeeeee we love us some Wildcat offense! Am I the only one who wants to track down the next announcer to drool over this system and drag them behind my car until what was their face resembles a plate of steak tartar? I am impressed with Chad Henne…that kid can play. If only he had something beyond a collection of slot receivers to throw the ball to.
New England – They just don’t seem intimidating anymore. The swagger is gone. The offensive line looks a step slow and the tackles can’t pass block…luckily the refs will keep Tom Brady’s jersey clean! Did Gisele Bundchen pay the league off to keep her hubby healthy until he can pump enough seed in to her to produce what will probably be such a perfect child that it will become Jesus? Defensively, ignoring using draft picks on linebackers for so long is biting them in the ass BIG time. And they lack a single corner who could consistently cover a floor.
Bribing officials to protect her shot at bearing the Christ child. Also, hot as fuck.
New York – Enough with Mark Sanchez and his ‘impressive demeanour for a rookie’. Frankly, with him coming in a year after the rookie years Ryan and Flacco had, it’s not as impressive anymore. That defense is kicking ass, except when faced with the Wildcat…that shit be kryptonite! Oh, and the city of Cleveland would like to know where Braylon Edwards obtained working hands…did he find them on the flight to New York?
Baltimore – They looked so good. Now, instead of getting pissed off by the screw job the refs dropped on their heads against God’s Patriots, they seem to have given up a little. They can look good for most of a game, but make just enough dumb fuck mistakes to blow it in the end. Something just doesn’t seem to be clicking.
Cincinnati – Sweet Jesus, it’s a miracle! The Bengals have a functioning DEFENSE! Call the pope! Alert the authorities! Satan must be at work here! Honestly, has this franchise EVER had a good D before? It’s weird and kind of unseemly. Also, I guess Cedric Benson isn’t a complete lump of crap.
Cleveland – Perhaps Randy Lerner is now noticing what everyone else already knew…Eric Mangini is shit. Not even merely just a shitty coach, he’s actually just a gigantic pile of it. And WOW is this team bad! It’s hard to know if Brady Quinn is really this dumb or if it’s a product of reprehensibly bad receivers who can’t seem to remember what route to run or what to do when that pigskin thing is thrown at them. Jamal Lewis was done as an elite back two years ago and yet you come in to the year with Jerome Harrison, a man a leprechaun would look down upon, as the backup. AGAIN.
6000 pounds of epic failure
Pittsburgh – So is Troy Polamalu some sort of demigod or something? He seems to have taken the entire ability for this team to defend with him while sidelined with an injury. They might want to look in to a defensive back who has a clue how to cover anything more mobile than a garden slug. They also might want to think about investing in some offensive linemen before Big Ben is crushed in to goo…or gets a shot with another scammy and kind of second rate hotel employee.
Houston – Another year, another inconsistent Texans club that looks like it will finish around the .500 mark. Their offensive line gets absolutely no push in the run game and their defensive line is softer than a collection of babies. Actually, they could pile up a stack of infants and probably get better run defense simply because opposing backs would be slipping on them. I can hear the announcers going nuts now for the Child Abuse defensive front. And maybe Dunta Robinson should have spent his holdout doing something more strenuous than apparently lying in bed eating cheesecake…
Indianapolis – Peyton Manning is awesome. Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon, both of whom were probably in night school during the offseason taking a course in mortuary services, look like stars. And their defense is actually pretty solid this year. Unfortunately, they still get pushed around by big teams simply because their biggest defensive player weighs in somewhere around 193 pounds. That entire unit looks like the kid getting the sand kicked in his face at the beach.
Jacksonville – Oof. It wasn’t looking THAT bad until they lost to the Seattle Seahawks by 41 points. Maybe they were blinded by those hideous fucking neon green shoes and gloves? Whatever the case, that was horrid. Of course, MAYBE not leaving a safety on a starting wide out all game after he’d been torched repeatedly would have helped…they’re called ADJUSTMENTS, Jack! They’re stuck playing a 3-4 defense a year before they planned to switch over because they’re out of defensive ends…huh? Did the defensive end factory shut down because of the economy? The offense actually looks half decent when the line decides to block instead of do their best bullfighter impression.
Tennessee – What. The. Fuck. When people actually WANT you to put Vince Young in to the game your season is officially over. Maybe having a single cornerback who looks like he could run the 40 yard dash in under 12 minutes might help. Also, the year 2004 called to remind you that Jevon Kearse hasn’t been good since then…maybe get a pass rusher who isn’t awful.
Denver – WHAT. THE. FUCK. How is THAT defense shutting people down?! Half of those guys were wearing paper hats and asking people if they wanted fries with their order this time last year! The offense actually looked okay coming in to the year, but the D looked weaker than their coach. Seriously, Josh McDaniels looks like he’s a year out of diapers.
Coaches football...probably gets Pat Bowlen to cut up his meat for him.
Kansas City – They took Dallas to OT but Dallas is such a weird, schizoid team this year that I don’t know that that’s very impressive. They’re 2-26 in their last 28 games. Wow. That’s as far from good as you can get. Matt Cassel is good and Dwayne Bowe is decent when he feels like playing well…unfortunately, you need 9 other starters on offense and KC doesn’t have them. Defensively, they have a young secondary and no pass rush at all. Not exactly a great combination for competence.
Oakland – Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when an ancient (possibly undead from looking at him) geezer is in charge of your team. JaMarcus Russell is the single worst long term starting quarterback that I have ever seen. Tiny things, like not throwing off your back foot in to triple coverage…and not eating donuts by the dozen on an hourly basis (just a guess based on his…errr…shape)…seem to elude him. Defensively, they have some talent. Unfortunately most of that talent is in the final year of its contract. Brilliant. Al Davis is undeniably the worst owner in sports.
GREAT costume! Wait...holy shit, that's his FACE! Run...save your souls!
San Diego – Apparently Shawne Merriman should have stayed on the juice because the steroid free version is prone to bad play and spending time with Tila Tequila. At least have the decency to go all in if you’re going to smack that talentless bag of pus! The injuries to their front lines have killed their ability to run the ball or stop the other team from doing the same. Darren Sproles got so much money as a Franchise player that he might be making a million dollars per half foot of his midget frame…all that for a kick returner and a scat back. And for a head coach, Norv Turner is a Hell of an offensive coordinator.
Biggest Surprise so far – Denver. This team looked like dog shit…and I mean the feces of a dog that’s sick. Just nasty. And yet they’re somehow 5-0.
Biggest Letdown so far – I thought the Titans would take a bit of a step back this season. I didn’t see 0-5. I don’t even know what the Hell happened, and what’s worse is that I don’t think they do either.
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