NFL 2009 Predictions

As some of you may know, I’m JUST A BIT of a sports fan. I actually straight out forgot to post my season predictions last year, so I might as well get them in here now…before I forget again.

West

1. Arizona Cardinals (10-6)*

2. San Francisco 49’ers (8-8)

3. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)

4. St. Louis Rams (4-12)

Arizona being the best in this division is like being the one retard on the short bus who can do long division…you’re still retarded. Their defense is something of a mess, which is what holds them back a bit. San Fran is `only` a decent quarterback, a decent receiver AND any kind of pass rush at all away from being pretty good. Seattle is fading fast and has no identity as a team. The Rams stink…absolutely horrible football team.

North

1. Green Bay Packers (10-6)*

2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)

3. Chicago Bears (8-8)

4. Detroit Lions (3-13)

Note to everyone over-rating the Vikings…Brett Favre is almost 40 years old. He isn’t a great quarterback anymore. He also needs some of those receiver guys to be good…something Minny doesn’t have a lot of. And let’s not forget the impact that the increasingly likely 4 game suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams on their run defense. Green Bay has an easy schedule and a good team. Chicago is actually going to be done in by their DEFENSE for once…it wasn’t very good last year and hasn’t added a damn thing since. Detroit is just hoping to win more games than last season, when their victory total was a goose egg.

South

1. Atlanta (10-6)*

2. New Orleans (9-7)*

3. Carolina (8-8)

4. Tampa Bay (5-11)

Atlanta doesn’t have a single defensive back who can cover, they overworked their starting running back last year, and they blew out two thirds of their linebacking corps. If New Orleans had anything resembling a defense, they’d take this division. They don’t…and with both their starting ends (Will Smith and Charles Grant) also facing 4 game suspensions, to describe that unit as awful is an overstatement. Carolina is an average team, so they get an average record. Tampa’s rebuilding.

East

1. New York Giants (11-5)*

2. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)*

3. Dallas Cowboys (8-8)

4. Washington Redskins (7-9)

If it weren’t for the fact that these 4 teams pound on each other all year, I’d give all of them a better record. New York’s defense is scary, especially up front. They have the best offensive line in football. They don’t have a standout star receiver, but they have multiple guys who are good. Philly is just a shade behind New York. It’s going to take a few games for their O-line to gel with all the changes they made to it in the offseason…when it does, it might be the best in the league. A couple of injuries take them down a small notch, too. Dallas isn’t a BAD team, and I actually like a lot of their defense, but their receivers stink and their line is overrated. Washington will do what they do every year…start off hot, then a couple injuries expose their total lack of depth and they collapse.

Playoffs

Wild Card Round – Green Bay over New Orleans and Philadelphia over Atlanta

Divisional Round – New York over Philadelphia and Green Bay over Arizona

Conference Championship – New York over Green Bay

West

1. San Diego (12-4)*

2. Denver (6-10)

3. Kansas City (6-10)

4. Oakland (5-11)

Yes Virginia, this division IS this damn bad. The Chargers have a pretty good team and their BENCH could beat some of these other squads. And I don’t mean the bench players, I mean the actual physical BENCH. Denver could be worse than that pick. They’re switching to a 3-4 defense despite a lack of 3-4 personnel, they have about 750 running backs all trying to get carries, and their #1 receiver is a self obsessed dick trying to get out of town. Kansas City at least seems to be building towards something, but it’s going to take awhile to get there. Oakland is…well, nobody knows what the fuck Oakland is actually doing, including their Owner/GM.

North

1. Pittsburgh (11-5)*

2. Baltimore (9-7)

3. Cincinnati (6-10)

4. Cleveland (5-11)

The Steelers have a very questionable offensive line but look loaded enough aside from that to win anyway. I always pick the Ravens to fall apart, then they do well. So this year I pick them to remain reasonable, meaning their collapse is likely at hand. The Bengals have a ghastly offensive line and no pass rush. Oh, and they seem to think Cedric Benson really is a full season #1 running back, something I’m skeptical of. Cleveland actually thought that hiring Eric Mangini was a good idea. He’s keeping their starting QB’s identity a secret…seriously. The defense fucking blows. The running back is probably worn out.

South

1. Indianapolis (11-5)*

2. Tennessee (10-6)*

3. Houston (9-7)*

4. Jacksonville  (6-10)

The Colts just keep chugging along, though not quite as omnipotently as in years past…that lack of size on defense is really becoming a problem. I’m not confident in Kerry Collins actually being good for 2 years in a row, but the Titans running game is ridiculously good and the defense still looks really good without Albert Haynesworth. If Houston’s lines looked any way better, I’d have picked them for second. They don’t. The defensive tackle positions look like a mess and Duane Brown needs to prove himself at left tackle on offense. However, I think they have enough firepower to take the last playoff spot. Jacksonville’s rebuilding. While it sucks, I’m glad they realized it was necessary and blew the roster up to start anew.

East

1. New England (12-4)*

2. Buffalo (8-8)

3. Miami (7-9)

4. New York (6-10)

The Dolphins were a blip last year, and going from a cake easy schedule to one of the hardest runs in the league this year will prove that. New England’s not an ass kicking powerhouse as in other years…the defense is noticeably weaker…but they win this division handily. Buffalo has a pretty good team, actually…except for an inconsistent pass rush and a horrific looking offensive line. That does them in, because they don’t have the playmakers to make up for it, period. The aforementioned Miami Dolphins freefall to sub .500. New York has a decent defense, but they have one receiver who has done anything as a pro and a rookie quarterback.

Playoffs

Wild Card Round – Pittsburgh over Houston and Tennessee over Indianapolis

Divisional Round – San Diego over Tennessee and Pittsburgh over New England

Conference Championship – San Diego over Pittsburgh

Super Bowl – New York over San Diego