During the blogging challenge, one of my posts was about Arma 2…a god awful mess of a game with potential wrapped around dog shit AI and ghastly optimization…it was like wrapping delicious bacon around a dried up husk of a turd. Well, the game’s been patched a few times, so I spent some time with the 1.2 version of the demo.
One immediate improvement, I can turn the post-processing graphics effects the fuck down. The bloom was so insanely overdone in this thing that it looked like it must have taken place in the countryside surrounding friggin’ Chernobyl.
This wasn’t the first revisit…there was one hilarious previous attempt while talking to Kelly on the phone. I was shot to death by enemies I never saw while trying to throw grenades I never did access and all the while toggling my watch. Yes, toggling…my watch.
Before we begin, allow me to give you a bit of an intro to the level of detail here…there are over 110 different commands. With that many, most buttons have more than 1 control mapped to them depending on how they’re pushed. Quickly pressing the right mouse button brings up your scope…holding it simply zooms in the view (something that took a lot of toggling various items to figure out). Of course, holding it also holds your breathing to line up a shot WHILE using the scope. Confused yet? I was.
This is but a sample. See all that toggling shit I was talking about? Yes, you too can toggle your watch…
How…errr…useful? I have no idea when this comes in to play. Do I really need to know what time it is when I get shot by invisible enemies? Really?
Early on, I ended up activating the ‘salute’ command every time I took a photo because they were mapped to the same key. Yes, you can salute…why, I have no damn idea.
And that isn’t even the pinnacle of the control system. You see, during multiplayer, while you’re waiting to respawn (if there are respawns in the game you’re involved in), you can fly around the map…as a seagull. There are controls for the seagull. Oh, you think I’m lying?
How do ya like the cut of THAT jib! I don’t know what the fuck ‘Seagull fast forward’ is…perhaps they’ve mounted some sort of propulsion system on them in this game?
On with the game! I decided to actually go through training this time. The obstacle course involved strafing through some barriers, walking straight forward over some ramps, then going prone and crawling under wire. Uh…kay…what the fuck was the point of that? I didn’t even take a shot of it…well actually, I tried but I kept stopping and saluting (This is when I became aware of the key mapping problem). And the pauses didn’t seem to concern the obstacle course officer. How big a fail does one have to be to be stuck observing an obstacle course full of drooling mongoloids who salute every 3 seconds? And what does one have to do to FAIL this? Is there a ‘crap my pants’ command? Anyway, next up was the rifle range!
Errr…maybe I should aim this damn thing DOWN the range…
Okay, I shoot a few rounds off, then I decide to take the marksmanship course. As targets pop up, you shoot them. This is where the problems from my first Arma 2 experience begin to return.
First off, why is it still saying ‘Fire Team leader’ even though I’ve turned away to face down range? Second…see that dark shadow to the right of that red target that kind of looks like a felled target? Yeah, it’s a felled target…felled by my bullet, motherfucker! Yet Fire Team Leader Asshole has told me that I need more practice with shooting like that and ended the test. Fuck you, jackwipe! You’d be crying a different tune if that ‘missed’ target was your whore of a mother!
I decided to give that up and moved on to first aid. Now, you get told to drag a ‘patient’ across a compound and apply first aid. Okay, fine. I went and grabbed the patient and started dragging him back…however, not having eyes in the back of my head, I swung my view around to see where the Hell I was relative to the road. That’s when things got…odd.
I have stopped dragging and swung my view behind me…yet there are his legs! I did full 360 degree turns and was basically sweeping the cement pad with this dude’s lower half! Now, I’m no medical professional, but that doesn’t seem like proper first aid technique to me. Don’t you clean up his blood later, rather than clean up his blood WITH HIM now???
Anyway, having passed a fucking challenge, I hop in a Humvee and head over to Capt. Something-or-other for advanced training. The Humvee handles like I’m cornering the bus in Speed, never able to drop below 50 mph. I couldn’t take a shot because that would have meant removing my hand from anything that supposedly ‘steers’ and therefore meeting a tree face to face.
Now, during this entire training process, everyone is incredibly familiar, calling me Coop while I’m referring to them by first name…who are you people?! This continues as I meet the Captain, which seems like a bit of a protocol breach in terms of familiarity with the lower ranks. What’s next, he’ll give me a hand job right there on the range in full defiance of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?
So, I decide to do some anti-tank training, which means equipping one kind of missile, shooting a wooden tank, then equipping ANOTHER kind of missile and shooting a DIFFERENT wooden tank. This might be challenging if I were retarded. What’s weird is, every single time I EVER grab equipment or ammo in this game, I have to lie down to do it.
This is me grabbing clips from those boxes. Why do I have to lay down next to them? Am I whispering sweet nothings in to their hinges so they’ll open up and let me in to their promised land of bullets and gun oil?
Time for more comedy! I now move on to MOUT training, which means I’ll be engaging soldiers in a mock enemy village. So, I go to the crates, lie down and start to re-equip my rifle. Then I hear shots.
See that prone guy? That’s Capt. Grabass. The MOUT troops apparently ran from the village 250 meters away in 2 seconds and fragged him. That’s one of them sort of visible to his right. Notice me in this picture…what the Hell is that? Did I equip an invisible rifle? Or am I playing ‘pretend’, preparing to shout ‘Bang! Bang!’ while pointing menacingly towards Mr. Friendly Fire? Seriously, I have no explanation for what in the Hell has happened in this image, but it might be the single funniest collection of game glitches that I have EVER encountered.
Okay, I start over, and this time the MOUT crew doesn’t assault the AT range. Still, I’m kind of scared shitless of those guys by now, so I need a plan.
I’ll follow the path of the blue arrow to the South of the town (all that gray shit), sneaking in from the low ground over towards the water to the South. And thank Christ for that compass, where would I be if I didn’t know which way was North?
Okay, so I move in. No sign of the enemy, so I keep moving in. Still no sign. Hmmm…I don’t even know how many crazy bastards, ready to blow away their own commanders, are in here! Better check the map again…
Now…I can’t see any enemy. I have yet to see any enemy. Yet my map seems to know where they are. What the fuck? I thought this game was about ‘heightened realism’, yet apparently I have been equipped with a psychic map. Is this the map from Dora the Explorer, filled with some heretofore unknown crazy psychic powers?! I mean…WHAT THE FUCK!!!
At this point, I’d crept in closer. I am looking EXACTLY where the map indicates one guy should be. I see nobody. Hmmm…I crept up to that house ahead. It was at this point I realized I can’t see my rifle. Again. So I start rapping on buttons…and trigger a shot while grabbing it again. Apparently my genius of a Private decided to sling his gun over his shoulder while entering a fucking combat zone. Epic.
They heard the shot go off…well, except that guy to the right of me…he apparently is deaf. Some sort of ‘equal opportunities’ hire, no doubt. What’s funny is, those two guys in front of me on the map there ran, and I mean SPRINTED, right past me. I shot them both in the back of the head. Time for grenades! This is where the ridiculously complex control scheme came back to bite me in the ass.
The mouse wheel succeeded in slinging my rifle again. I hit the number keys…and enter the series of Hellish submenus known as the communications commands. I FINALLY get out of that, re-arm my rifle, and look at the controls list again. Okay, the F key toggles weapons. I press it a few times and scroll through the fire modes for my rifle before finally seeing the word Grenades. HAHA! I press the left mouse button, the rifle vanishes…and he throws the fucking thing.
Silly me, I had been expecting him to just take the grenade in hand for the moment, not pull the pin and fucking throw it (why not two separate commands for those things, Bohemia Interactive? What, did you puss out? REALISM!), so I wasn’t really looking where I wanted it to go, and throw a beautiful 70 yard long bomb way over the head of a guy as he comes around a corner.
It explodes. He looks at me. I re-arm my rifle. He looks at me. Is it pity? Does he recognize me from somewhere? Is he an idiot? Did the distant explosion frighten him? Is he toggling his watch?
And he shoots me. I die.
What…the fuck?
Well, why stop now?! On with training! Next up is…oh shit, parachute insertion. This will not go well.
When exactly did we do this before?! Stop lying, Cooper…I (you) HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! I desperately open up the controls menu and find NOTHING about opening a chute. Fuck! And the timer runs down, and I jump out.
Okay, those little letters in the middle of the screen say ‘Open Chute’. Since that’s where whatever is picked from the context menu of options (scroll the wheel to go through them, press left button to activate chosen one) displays, I figure I’m golden.
So…that chute should probably have opened before this point, right? I’ve hit the mouse buttons about 5000 times. I’ve pressed every key. I’ve toggled my compass and ordered in an artillery strike by accident (not sure if it actually happened because I was a pile of goo a second after this shot was taken). Fuck you, context controls. Fuck you in your ass.
Seeing what a success that was, I decide it’s time to fly a helo! I have no joysticks or even control pads, much less flight controls, so this should be awful. I hop in and start the engines. Good, okay, let’s try steering. Oh…nope, I assumed it would lift off, but it just sort of rotated on the ground. What’s the control for auto lift? ‘2x’. What the fuck does that mean? Press 2 and x? Press x twice? Press both at once? None of those options serves to do anything more than open the fucking comms menu again FINALLY I use the increase power button to take off…that’s when things got weird.
I have just taken off. Now, what I JUST missed getting in this shot is the fact that the training pilot, the one who was in the seat next to me telling me what to do, has just gone sprinting across the screen after jumping out. I don’t really take that as a sign of confidence in my piloting skills. Oh well, I’ll show that fucker!
Hmmm…that seems like a bit of an incline. Maybe I can pull back out of it and correct things.
Guess not. What’s impressive, and what I again JUST missed capturing, is that I was upside down when the helo crashed, something that has been accomplished by only a handful of helicopter pilots in real life! Clearly, I am a savant.
Anyway, thus ends post one on this experience. I will complete the rest of training when next I make a post…squad command, major command (which involves using an RTS type setup to control forces) and…I know there was something else, but I don’t remember what the fuck it was…will all be included there. And I am determined to launch at least one mission to see the no doubt hilarious results.
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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lobi
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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lobi
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lobi
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.theguthrie.ca Shaun
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lobi
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lobi
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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lobi
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lobi
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff
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http://kickmeoutsoon.blogspot.com/ Qikdraw
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Jordan
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Jordan
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Kelly
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Kelly
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http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff




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