Yo...Joe...Fuck.

Yes indeed, I saw it. And…yep, I saw it. I would say that this may contain spoilers, but that would indicate that there is something here that could be spoiled.

Let’s just make this simple :

The Good

By some miracle, yes, there WAS some good!

-Ninja fights. If I have to explain why this is awesome, you suck.

-Hot chicks in tight costumes. See above.

-Some cool set piece battle sequences.

-Destro’s hatred of the French. Woohoo-ness! Take those frogs out!

-It has been awhile since I’ve seen an ‘arming up and training’ montage. Cheezy, but acceptable in an action movie.

-The Zartan ‘presidential swap’…pretty cool.

The Bad

If one more fucking character had had ‘their past catch up to them’, I would have killed everyone in the damn theatre. Enough! Jesus! Baroness is Duke’s ex-girlfriend? What fuckwit retard dreamed up that shit? Her brother, who got shot up because Duke couldn’t protect the pussy (I wish I was making any of this up) is COBRA COMMANDER? WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh, he THOUGHT the brother died, but in a twist that perhaps would fool any mongoloids in the audience, he isn’t dead! And…oh, SHE doesn’t know that that’s her brother! Was this script found in a box of Cracker Jacks? Did the Days of Our Lives writers take a few days off from the show to write up a movie script?

We have Scarlet the ‘genius girl’ who has to learn to deal with her own mortality. How original…were this 1926, and we were new to this whole ‘talky’ thing.

And oh look, it’s ANOTHER Duke flashback to his lost love who he can’t kill because he still loves her dammit. Pardon me, I need to vomit…too much Hollywood cliche. And at the end of it, he throws on his aviator sunglasses and rides off on his bike. Why don’t you just name the guy Maverick and get it over with?

Super suits? When did this become Crysis : The Film? Oh, but it’s a movie, so we GOTS to have SUPER SUITS!

Hey kids, I'm Generic Joe!

And not even Gil ‘I solve everything’ Grissom could have magically figured out where the Hell Destro and the base were like Frenchy the tech geek commando did.

Christ, did they take over Superman’s polar sanctuary and turn it in to EvilCo?

And of course, there’s the ‘This mission goes against the orders of our government…any man who wishes to leave may do so with no questions asked’ scene with nobody leaving the room. Weeeeeee.

Why in the name of all that doesn’t suck does Snake Eyes, a ninja who doesn’t speak, HAVE LIPS ON HIS MASK?

And it all culminates in basically an underwater version of Star Wars, complete with a pulse cannon version of ‘this battle station is fully operational’ wreckin’ shit.

And the ‘period of silence before we know one of the heroic pilot is alive’ thing. THAT isn’t old!

WHY does the final Cobra Commander mask looks like they took the mask of Jason Voorhees and sent it to Pimp my Ride ?

Honestly, this COULD have actually worked if they’d avoided the hackneyed Hollywood bullshit. They didn’t. It didn’t. Fuck Hollywood.