Huxley, We Have a Problem!

So, today I was reading that the game Huxley has gone in to Closed Beta 2, but the beta was open to Fileplanet members. You don’t have to be one of the fools who pays for full access, you only need the free account. I hate Fileplanet with a passion…if you DON’T pay the monthly fee, you get shunted to the slow as molasses free servers that usually have a line-up of 135+ people apiece before your turn rolls around.

Still, I was curious enough to try. Huxley was first talked about around 3 YEARS ago, and it’s become more of a mythological beast as the months have passed since then. Oh sure, you hear rumours if its’ existence, but those are around the same level of drunken hunter Ogopogo sightings in terms of their reliability. And yet here was evidence that this game MIGHT actually exist.

The reason this game has so much continued interest? They’re trying to be an MMOFPS. We’re talking massive maps with literally HUNDREDS of players at a time, all operating in teams, blasting the living shit out of each other. Although I was pretty sure it would devolve in to a collection of 14 year old dimwits fragging everyone around them and calling each other names very quickly, I was still curious enough to try. And that’s where the ordeal began.

Okay, sign in and download the Beta installer. And I’m…127th in line for the server that’s the least busy of them all! Awesome! And waiting…and waiting…45 minutes later, I can finally download. And…holy fuck, the installer package is 3.6 GIGS? On Fileplanet’s free servers? Well, I’ll have this in…5 and a half hours. How…totally outstanding.

Finally it finishes! And it’s time to install…and install…AND INSTALL…seriously, I could have built a goddamn house in the time it took to install this thing! After several millennia have passed, THAT’S done. Now…oh, still not ready. Now I have to go to some site called ijji.com (seriously, what the fuck is that name? Do I pronounce that i-jee? Or do I spell out the letters? I mean, were they drunk when they concocted that bag of shit?) and sign up. And…wait, NOW you’re making me fill out a Beta application form? In what world does this order of doing things make sense, and are they permanently baked on the surface of that planet?

Oh, I’m accepted…I should fucking well hope so! I just had 3 birthdays pass by while your damn program installed! Jesus. Okay, activate my Beta key. And…what is all this shit it’s installing? Oh boy…Ijji is installing an IE attachment…yes, it auto loaded in to IE. That’s done. Now it’s patching.

ANOTHER half a fucking hour later, THAT’S done. Let’s try, I dunno, LOADING THIS GODDAMN THING. Seriously, there better be some pretty cool ass shit in this game. I’m talkin’ like…laser cannon wielding zombie ninjas and shit like that.

Oh boy…more hot patching action! How many updates can there be for a Beta that went live a day and a half ago? I find that this doesn’t particularly bode well.

Maybe NOW, we can play. “Make sure to scan your version of the game before launching to ensure that it’s up to date.” Well, seeing as it just finished patching 13 seconds ago, I would hope…sweet merciful crap, THERE’S ANOTHER PATCH. I…I don’t even know what to say at this point.

Okay…okay, I’m gonna press the Launch button now. And…installing nProtect Gameguard? For…for a game that’s going to be FREEWARE when it launches? What the fuck are you protecting?! That’s like wrapping a layer of titanium around Paris Hilton…the contents have no worth so the protection is utterly pointless (unless it covers her nose and mouth and she suffocates). Okay, fine, whatever…and…wow, this game sure looks like my Desktop. How did they DO that? And check it out, my character is a mouse pointer…oh, wait…nope…IT CRASHED.

Well, okay, Firefox does indeed rule over IE, so let’s try heading to the site with FF. And of course, yes, I get to install the damn ijji thing again…joy to me! There is no possible way they’ve released another patch, right? No! Huzzah! It’s a miracle! And…desktop.

Uhhhh…huh? Kay, let’s go to the forums. Wow, it doesn’t seem to like anybody. Not one person is here in tech support…except the shrieking mobs of pimply adolescents, amped up on energy drinks and l33t speak. Delightful. Let’s try one more time. Hey…HEY, something’s loading! Something’s happening!

IT JUST RESET MY FUCKING COMPUTER! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Consider that uninstalled…after 15 minutes of Revo Uninstaller and CCleaner, plus a little manual removal of files and reg keys, I am free of this bitch. Whew! That was abysmal. Time to surf around online and tell these ijjists what I think of their piece of shit. Wait…how come my mouse buttons aren’t doing what they’re set to? Um…what? Let’s try re-applying the settings. Nothing. What the fuck?! Let’s look…oh look, I’m not the only one with THAT problem either!

So, one Logitech Setpoint uninstall and fresh install later, THAT finally works again.

This is how I spent my evening tonight. Yeaaahhhh…