Go Forth Retarded Commandos!

Seeing as I can’t sleep at the moment, I may as well work on this.

ArmA 2…followup to ArmA 1 (I know, didn’t see THAT one coming, did ya?!). ArmA 1 was a big scale FPS/squad combat game. It was basically a sequel to Operation Flashpoint. It was big in to detail. It became a pretty good game after literally FOURTEEN PATCHES. Here, let me give an idea of how complex this game was with a quick recap of my demo experience.

“Wow, no Tutorial? Weird…okay, let’s jump in. Okay, wow…holy shit is that sound bad. What is that noise? Is that me walking in SAND?! Is a PC Speaker making that sound? Huh. Wait, where is the squad going. Oh, they’re giving orders. Who am I? How the fuck do I know who I am? I’m…okay, I must be 3 because 2 and 4 have already replied. Okay, so I’m supposed to take out that target…which target? All I see are buildings? Acknowledge…WHERE DO I DO THAT?! Shit! Okay, back out to options, let’s look at the key map. SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, every single key does something! Okay, got it…now I’ll hit that and…oh, well fuck you too then, give the obscure mission to 2. What the…oh Hell, 1 is down! 2′s taken over. Okay…now HE wants me to shoot target. What target? Hell…where are YOU?!?! No wonder I can’t see these targets, they’re 3 blocks over! And…2′s down. Oh shit! I’m in charge of 4?! Uhhh…go forth…and prosper…or something? Hey! A bad guy! Got him! And…I’m ambushed and dead.”

Basically, after 10 minutes some stuff happened and I really don’t know what, how or why it worked. However, it seemed like a game I’d be in to (and since the 1.14 patch removed the DRM AND apparently fixed it, and the Gold Edition is something like 25 bucks these days, I may have to check it out). So, when I heard about Arma 2, I was curious. Over 200 square miles of game area…walking across it would literally take all day. And that’s YOUR day, not a game day. Complex AI so that everything is unpredictable (they were dead on with THAT description!). Even more detail than ArmA 1 had. Scary as fuck, but okay. Drop in to a MP match with 300 others guys in a massive outdoor level. And look at those recommended system specs! 4 GB of memory, a GeForce 8800 (or ATI equivalent), a QUAD CORE processor. Shit, this should be interesting!

So, I downloaded the demo…which clocks in around 3 gigs. I actually got pretty good performance with my system with some pretty good graphics settings. This brings us to problem number 1. The game seems to randomly decide which systems it will run on. People with high end everything get 14 frames per second…people with systems worse than mine get 33. And they’re using the same settings. Weeeee!

Let’s fire this up and actually play. The key map goes on…and on…and on. Page after page. It’s endless. Not only is basically every key assigned, but some have different functions for tapping and holding, or tapping and double tapping, the keys. Daaaaaaaaaammmmmn. Okay, hey look, there’s an actual set of TUTORIALS this time! They’ve learned!

This is where things got…wonky. I go to the shooting range, am told to hit a target, and do. And am told I failed and to repeat. Uhhh…is this some sort of mental challenge? Okay, do it again, hit close to where I did the first time (but further away than the first time)…and am rewarded with success. Okay. Um. That was curious. Let’s keep going.

More weapons ranges, and…what the…who are those guys, and why the Hell are they attacking us?! Fail? WHY? What the…THEY SHOT THE INSTRUCTOR?! It’s a weapons range, I’m sorry I wasn’t prepared to DEFEND MY INSTRUCTOR ON A WEAPONS RANGE! I did it again and passed…and later found out that those attackers had been the OpFor troops for full combat training. They aren’t supposed to be free range. Apparently the AI got bored. I wish that was the extent of the issues, because that was goddamn funny.

Okay, I finish the training and start one of the full missions. See my briefing, get my objective. Wow, that’s a distant target, I’ll need transport. Cool, a Blackhawk on call!

Sweet! No more walking in this man's Army!

Okay, I’m in, call in the squad and we’re off. Off to the target, and…ummm…hold on. Why are we short a guy? Is he flying the helo? Nope. Did he fall OUT of the helo? Nope, he’s alive…and heading to the target. That’s reassuring. Is he invisible? I mean, I’m all good with invisible commando guy.  Let’s take a look at the Tac Map. Um. Why is he several dozen miles BEHIND us? Let’s fly back. And, okay, all I see is a car. Land this bird, something’s up!

He’s driving the fucking Humvee?!  WHY IS HE DRIVING A HUMVEE? Get out of it! You won’t. You insist you’re on the way to the target. Well so are we, retard! GET IN THE CHOPPER! And…okay, you’re driving off. You think so, motherfucker? Squad, hose down that fucking car! YEAH! ROAST, you bastard! And…I failed. I beg to differ, ArmA 2, I did not fail. Corporal Wow Do We Need Intelligence Requirements failed!

Start over. Okay, EVERYONE in the helicopter…LOOKING AT YOU CORKY! Oh good, you are capable of clambering through a door and sitting. Are you afraid of flying? Do you need a blanky? Yeah, you just sit there and stare off at…what the Hell are you lot constantly gazing at, anyway? Whatever. We’re off! And we’re flying. Stiiiiiiill flying.

Some kevlar and an assault rifle away from being in my fucking squad

(Warp ahead a bit)

Okay, there’s an enemy squad, I don’t think they’ve spotted us yet and…oh, wait, nope they’re shooting. That’s usually a pretty good indication they’ve seen us. And no fucking wonder, 2 of my ‘Special Squad’ members ARE STANDING UP ON TIPPY TOES OUTSIDE THE TREELINE. Wanna maybe WAVE over to the enemy and shout “Yoo hoo!” while you’re at it?! Do they not teach camouflage in the military? Maybe that instructor was killed by the marauding pirates of the training camp before these fine gentlemen got their chance to learn that COVER and PRONE CONCEALMENT help avoid meetings with Mr. Bullet.

Shit, these dudes aren’t kidding around…here come the frags! Luckily…wow, our guy on the SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) is apparently a machine gun sniper! This is one of the highlights of the game. Combat is unpredictable and it’s intense.

Not an ACTUAL saw, but probably effective at chopping down trees

Okay, that was pretty cool. Let’s get up and…why is 4 lying there? Is he the opposite of the other 2 guys, he missed the ‘basic’ training of learning how to walk? Oh, OH. No, he’s been shot. So, someone should do something. No no, you two fine gentlemen remain standing there. Maybe build in a lit up neon sign pointing to our location while we’re at it. And perhaps good ol’ Corporal Wheelman could seek out a vehicle for no reason, that would be inherently helpful. Okay, I guess I’ll need to do something. How? Uhhh…to the controls list!

(5 minutes of scrolling later)

Okay, let’s bandage this poor bastard up! And…done! And he’s up…and limping. Another highlight…wounds don’t get magically ‘fixed’, they hinder the person who was hit. First Aid is basically just to keep them from bleeding to death. That’s going to slow us down. Hell, I’d ask Corporal Driver to go get us a car if I wasn’t afraid he’d sit on his knife awkwardly and die, which would lose us the goddamn round AGAIN. No thanks, we’ll tough it out. We’re closing in on the target.

Mission was AWESOME! Basically, remove enemy from a village. I tried assaulting it from the side first, got pushed back, and then called in artillery. I’m not one for graphics whoring but HOLY SHIT DID IT LOOK AMAZING! Then I walked in and cleaned up.

Awesome, okay we have a new objective. How ya holding up over there, peg leg? You good? Let’s keep moving. Well, we ain’t walking that far, I’ll call in the Blackhawk. Let’s head to that clearing. Okay, he’s inbound, pop the smoke. And…he flew over. Strange, maybe he’s doubling back. Okay, we’ll wait. Why is he hovering over the trees? Getting pretty low. Um. Note to anyone thinking of flying helicopters : landing them in a forest is generally NOT considered to be a good idea. And it explodes…great. Oh, awesome, the crew lived and have run over. Just what I wanted, 2 additional retards for the squad. OOPS, did I accidentally shoot the pilot in the FACE?! So sorry, Capt. Subpar! Mission Fail…oh, it was a failure, I’ll grant you that ArmA 2. It certainly was that. And the screen fades out as the squad and the copilot just sort of gaze off in to the ether. Maybe every other soldier is high. Is that the issue?

Luckily, I had saved near the end…I continued on. Out of the helo (this time it lands IN THE CLEARING) and we head on to objective 2. In to the building, we’re clearing it and…FUCK! We’re down a man again…did someone get hit and I just missed it?!  Do I care? Fine, FINE I care. Let’s go looking for him. Well, he looks fine to me. He’s running very hard. Yet he’s moving nowhere, because he’s stuck on the entryway. I watch him for awhile. Dude is in good shape, because he’s sprinting all out against that door jamb and he isn’t even slowing up in the least! If Saddam had just erected door frames all around Iraq he’d still be running the country today! Nobody could he gotten past such an impenetrable screen!

Frames doors AND stops heavily armed commandos in their tracks!

Let’s look at multi player. Okay, I’m in…um, what the Hell is going on? Where are those guys going? What the Hell are the objectives? Who’s shooting at me? HOLY SHIT, I’VE BECOME THE MENTAL EQUIVALENT OF MY SQUAD MATES IN SINGLE PLAYER! Cruel joke, ArmA 2, cruel joke. I never did really figure out multi player. It seemed to be a confusing jumble with no clear concept of what in the Hell is going on, what should be going on, where it should be happening or who should be doing it. Apparently it IS pretty good now that they’ve released a few patches and let it make a basic lick of sense.

Arma 2 is the game equivalent of the hot chick who talks dumb. She’s nice to look at, but interacting with her in any way is infuriating and just makes me want to smack it in the face. This is FAR from an issue only I had, either…the forum is full of ridiculous (often hilarious) issues and bugs popping up everywhere. It’s like a simulation of a military conflict between forces entirely comprised of riders of the short bus. Seeing Bohemia Interactive’s history of eventually making their games run well, it’s probably worth a look in a year or so. You’d think that by game THREE they would have learned to maybe fix the damn thing BEFORE selling it. I guess their push to beat Operation Flashpoint 2 to market convinced them that this was kosher (quick history lesson. Bohemia Interactive made Op. Flashpoint for Codemasters. The 2 then had a major spat. BI went off on their own and made ArmA and now ArmA 2 while Codemasters took ownership of the Op Flashpoint name and began working on the sequel. The two companies despise one another). Pretty damn sad.