Hey Look, Tits in the Mail!

I have a post half written describing the (often hilarious) bug issues I encountered when trying the ArmA 2 demo, but I keep getting distracted. Yesterday was a bit of a boil over at the mock draft fucktards and today…

So, awhile ago I subscribed to Blender…which started life as Maxim Blender (thought it’s notable the ‘Maxim’ part seemed to be getting pretty hard to find on the cover)…a music magazine. Now, Blender stopped printing in April. That sucks, I somehow doubt I’m getting whatever is left off of my subscription back, damn you magazines.

Today I take a look at the mail and saw a magazine…and lo and behold, it’s Maxim. Okay…why the Hell is that here with my name on it??? Did someone subscribe me to this as some sort of gag? Oh look, there’s a sticker on it. Oh, they have arbitrarily decided to just honor the rest of my Blender subscription with something that I never ordered. Isn’t that just fucking awesome.

Here’s the letter I am getting ready to send off to these asshats :

Awhile back, I subscribed to Blender because it was a decent music magazine that actually had the balls to have fun…it wasn’t full of the condescension that seems to drip from every page of Rolling Stone, nor was it the reading equivalent of the 44 year old balding guy who is desperately trying to convince the kids that he’s still cool…aka Spin.

Now, Blender no longer prints as a physical magazine, but today I find a copy of Maxim in my mail box. Oh boy! Awesome! This is great! This…oh…oh wait…nope, I’m not a 19 year old with so little Internet access that I find myself looking enviously at the technology enjoyed by the Amish.

If I want to see hot chicks, I’ll just find pics on line…Hell, I’ll find naked pics on line where they’re committing disturbing acts of indecency with whatever blunt object and/or small woodland creature happens to be within reach. I have no need for reading ridiculous, canned interviews where women try and convince adolescents that they’re ‘hot’ by spewing a bunch of bullshit about how they ‘just love to fry bacon nude’. And if I’m looking for the level of ‘humor’ (a term I use very lightly in this case) normally found in your rag, I’ll go back to listening to ‘wacky’ morning radio again.

What genius was it who decided that Blender = Maxim? One is a music magazine…the other is somewhat useful as a solid camping substitute for toilet paper. And yes, I’m well aware that Blender was Maxim Blender (which just makes their ability to actually entertain all the more impressive) when it started. I’m ALSO aware that as time went on they REALLY seemed to be trying to downplay the ol’ Maxim reference, didn’t they?

I have no interest in this magazine. I never did. That’s why I didn’t subscribe to it in the first place. You may want to fire whatever fifty cents a minute psychic you have on staff to determine what ex-Blender subscribers want to have as a replacement because she flat out sucks at her job ALMOST as much as Maxim writers utterly fail at constructing anything of interest to those old enough to legally visit a bar.

I doubt you’ll refund me whatever is owed on my subscription, and I really don’t care. I’d rather you spend that cash on a line of blow than receive one more issue of Maxim. Fuck, here’s an idea…take all the money left over from Blender accounts and buy blow for all the ‘famous for fake tits’ wastes of skin filling your pages. Then, they can try and seem alluring as they talk about how they just LOVED blowing coke up the asses of the staff! BRILLIANT! I will expect a check for that idea, by the way.

That pretty much wraps that up…it’s just a rough version so I may add more scorn to it at a later time. I’m having problems coming up with a suitable end, though…should I just go with ‘Sincerely’, or should I spice it up a bit…maybe something like ‘Hoping you get ass cancer’? Any thoughts?