Why We're Pitiful

Yes indeed, Canada is in an uproar. We’ve all tizzyin’ up this motherfucker. And I, personally, am sickened by it. Not by the actual TARGET for this national fit we’re currently having, sitting on the floor and pounding our fists while screeching our faces red…but by the fact we’re worrying about this crap at all. Citizens are in an uproar, lines to call in shows are jammed with complaints…and not just from your standard seniors with nothing better to do than complain about things while waiting for both Matlock and the eventual, merciful embrace of sweet death. Even the government is up in arms, with officials DEMANDING an apology.

For what, you might ask? What is this great crime that has been committed? Well, it seems that the panel of Fox News’ Red Eye program were rather harsh towards Canada’s plan to pull out of Afghanistan and take a year off from operational postings as a whole.

I’m sure you have a lot of questions…like, what in the Hell is Red Eye? I know I would have wondered that prior to this whole overblown event taking place. I’d never heard of this show! There’s a reason for that…it’s air time is 3 o’clock in the morning. Imagine just how devoid of informational content a show must be to be relegated to ‘The Infomercial hour’ by a network with such journalistic prowess as Fox News (making sure to include the HUSSEIN in Barack Obama louder every day!). According to it’s own web site, Red Eye is…

• Outrageous and outspoken — you won’t believe what Greg Gutfeld and friends have to say about today’s hottest topics!

Now, it’s been my experience that when someone needs to describe themselves as ‘outrageous’, their idea of doing something crazy is usually having a second glass of fine and uttering the word damn in a sentence. It’s like describing yourself as funny…you probably aren’t…and oh look, they do that, too. Why in the Hell is it a national story in this country what these people think?! We’re not exactly talking Bill O’Reilly here…Christ, this is Fox News Channel’s 7th string…the Key Grip for your average public access cable special is higher up the ladder of media importance than anyone on this program! I mean, look at this list of people who’ve been on the show…Right Said Fred, RuPaul, Tom Green, New Kids on the Block, Bret Michaels…has any of these people been relevant any time in the past 5 years? Oh boy, Glenn Beck! When Glenn Beck is the lone ‘journalist’ on your list of people, you possess the same level of hard news as Family Circus. And yet we get ourselves in to an uproar over some halfwit morons on a show like this and what they think? And just who ARE the morons in question? Well, I looked in to that, as well.

The host of this Special Olympics of faux news is a guy named Greg Gutfeld. He was in magazines prior…impressively, he was fired by both Stuff and Maxim. How utterly incompetent does someone need to be to be let go by two magazines whose entire reason for existence is to provide wank material for 19 year old males without ready access to pornography?! For fuck’s sake, the man has a wesbite called ‘The Daily Gut’ where he shares his…steel yourself, this is ugly…Gregalogues. If that ‘cute’ description for the sage writings of a mental deficient doesn’t make you kind of wanna vomit, you’re a stronger human being than I am. This is the worthless sack of skin that is at the center of what is, as we speak, the biggest scandal in Canada. It’s not the economy…it’s a man who is such an utter failure that he can’t hold down a gig at a magazine that’s basically Maxim’s sloppy seconds.

And what a panel who were on the show on this particular episode! First up…’funnyman’ Doug Benson! Oh, wait, no…he describes himself as a Professional Humoredian. I’ll give you a moment to shudder at that hideous example of ‘wit’…don’t feel bad, I had to. You want to know Doug’s biggest claim to fame? I couldn’t make this shit up…he was named 2006 Stoner of the Year by High Times Magazine. That is this man’s greatest accomplishment in life…he smoked A LOT of weed. So, aside from single handedly helping Doritos avoid economic collapse, he’s pretty much a functionless slice of wasted humanity. Oh boy, I can save 20% off my entire order of…again, I am incapable of making up something like this…Heinous Anus Cookies t-shirts from his Myspace page. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that discount has been collecting dust ever since it was first offered.

Next to him is Bill Schulz. Now, while Doug’s wiki described his reefer-smoking glory, apparently Bill’s only accomplishment in life is that he has a teddy bear named ‘Snickers’. There are aborted fetuses who achieved more on this planet than Bill has managed to. Oh, he’s allegedly a comedian. Allow me to share some of the comic stylings of Bill Schulz from his Myspace page, in the Bill’s Interests area…

Films - Funny that you ask. I’m holding a DVD of my favorite movie here in my right hand. [Hitting you upside the face with my LEFT hand] Ha-ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Sucker.

Books – Bridget Jones’ Diary. Quickie review: OMG! I feel like I AM Bridget Jones!! Except that I’m a dude. And not British. [Awkward silence] Wanna hold hands?

Heroes – Whichever zookeeper first taught monkeys how to throw poop at people. You know those dumb primates couldn’t have come up with it on their own! Either way, though, it’s a great trick.

This is all stuff that was written by an apparent ‘professional comedian’ because he thought it was funny. He can’t even fall back on the excuse that he was higher than a motherfucker like Doug can! Sure, the monkey comment is worth a quick smile, but I’ve heard that joke before…it was being told by a fucking 7 year old. I hereby take back all of the horrible judgments I have made of Dane Cook’s horrendous ‘comic’ performances, because next to this subhuman douchebag Dane should win a goddamn Nobel Prize for jokes. I think I know now what Bill’s truly big accomplishment was…that mommy didn’t get her ‘little mistake’ taken care of by some back alley ‘doctor’ in a van with a rusty coat hanger and bottle of Wild Turkey sometime during the second trimester (Gotta love the ‘circle back to that abortion-related hilarity’ I’ve got going on.)

Third, Monica Crowley. Now, at first glance, this chick is actually impressive. Went to Colgate and Columbia…got her doctorate…Jesus, she helped RICHARD NIXON write two fucking books?! What, she’s worked at Fox News since 1996?! Um…wow…what went wrong? OH, nailed for PLAGIARISM! And, oh…she’s one of those right wingers that equates ‘True American’ with ‘Republican’ and has made weird comments describing Barack Obama as an Arab and a con man. Wow…uhhh…were you SLEEPING during those years of Ivy League school? Honestly, there are only 2 reasons this loon has a gig at Fox News. Number One…Fox has this weird fixation on attractive chicks who are absolute fucking wingnuts. Number Two…perhaps she regularly exhibits a very specific skill set with her mouth.

And finally, I CAN’T forget correspondent Jonathan Hoenig. I probably don’t need to even go beyond the fact he’s an Ayn Rand follower…but I really want to. I want you to enjoy the Hoenig experience in it’s entirety. Jonny boy is the managing partner of a hedge fund called Capitalist Pig LLC. Thing is…there is no indication that anyone else is in any way affiliated with this fund, so I’m thinking maybe we should just call it what it REALLY is…Jonathan Hoenig’s savings account. Wow, for a hedge fund site, they sell a surprising amount of crappy merchandise. And oh, look, some quotes about investing…every single one of which has been written by, hey, THIS is a weird coincidence…Jonathan Hoenig. Oh hey, he offers to take a look at YOUR portfolio for the mere cost of $200. You can use Paypal. Call me a nutbar, but I tend to think of Paypal as a way to purchase games online, not a way to hire a financial consultant. And hey, what big analyst HASN’T been a writer for Maxim. He’s also written for Wall Street Journal Europe. Aside from the fact that title makes absolutely ZERO sense, I have never heard of Wall Street Journal Europe.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, THESE are the criminal masterminds who have gotten our nation so pissed off. These people. Five human beings who could disappear from the Earth tomorrow and not one fucking person would care…well, okay, Fox News would have to find another crazed blond to man their bathroom gloryhole, but aside from THAT there would be no impact in their leaving this plane of existence at all. There is only one reason that five pathetic, no name wannabes like these pusbags would even start spouting off…they want attention. And stupid us, we’re giving it to them.

Attention Canada…can we PLEASE start focusing on important shit and stop looking at these retards? Maybe then they’ll do everyone on Earth a favor and just die.