As the World Turns

I seem to be locked in to a disturbing trend of using soap opera names for post titles…how long will this go? I have no idea.

Anyway, when last you tuned it, I was about to start a job working evenings at a sandblasting place in Nisku. Now, around the same time I applied there, I had also applied at a place called NDT-Global as a shipper/receiver with some serious management responsibilities. I hadn’t heard from them for awhile, so I’d given up…and lo and behold, they called me last week. So I am about to be hired on there instead. Better money…unfortunately I’m back on standard day shifts, which blows. This job actually makes me nervous. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt that about a job, and I have to say I like it. Means I’m doing something new enough that I’m not one hundred percent sure it’s a slam dunk.

Now, as I said, I’m ABOUT to be hired…this morning I had to go to a local place, get some basic tests done and succumb to the always pleasant whizz in a cup.

Now, seeing as the appointment was for 8:30, there were 2 choices.

1. Get up early, take that morning leak, then spend an hour plus slugging back fluids in an attempt to reload before the appointment. This was a bad plan for several reasons, the biggest being that prior to 8 in the morning I am so utterly useless as a human being that I do not even use words to communicate. Seriously. Ask Liam…years ago, for awhile he would come over in the morning and I’d drop him off at work on my way to my job. I’d be willing to guess that on a daily basis we averaged a grand total of about ten words. The rest of our ‘communication’ consisted of snarls and grunts and glowering at the horrific entity known as morning. At about 8:30-9 I assume the ability to actually use phrases and whole sentences, so that hit at pretty much the right time today.

2. Sleep as long as possible so that I can simply hop up, grab a snack and a bottle of water and drive to the other side of Leduc.

Seeing as I enjoy ‘sleep as long as possible’ in basically ANY plan, I chose Option 2. While the plan SEEMS good, there is something innately crappy about waking up a whopping half hour before you need to be somewhere and basically functional as a human. Still, I did it (I know, I know…what bravery I have displayed this morn, getting out of bed and going somewhere. Truly I am a hero.)

So, I get to the place, and the need to relieve myself is beginning to grow a bit urgent. Not only have I not done anything to rectify this problem (as I normally do when I get up), but I’ve been pounding back water to try and dilute the product before ‘sharing’ (I figure it’s probably not going to help any one’s mood if I set down a plastic container of brine with a pH level roughly comparable to sulphuric acid in front of some poor lab tech). Yet I have to do several pages of paperwork first. I think this is actually the first test. Luckily it’s full of yes or no check boxes…and some are just bizarre (Seriously, if you’re putting a mark in the Yes box next to the query about whether or not you have Cancer, you probably have bigger issues than FINDING A JOB. It’s a tumor, it’s not a child you have to financially support.) It’s during this time that a door bursts open and out pops a guy with the body makeup of a beluga whale…dude is wheezing and pouring sweat like a waterfall during spring runoff. I immediately shift to a different seat further from the water cooler…I don’t care about getting out of his way, I’m simply trying to avoid being a landing pad when this heifer inevitably has a massive heart attack and collapses. What the Hell are they DOING to people back there?! A bit of trepidation has entered my mind…it makes for a nice distraction from the usual “TAKE A LEAK, GODDAMMIT!” being screamed through my brain.

Paperwork over, an LPN leads me to the back where I finally get to…sit down and answer some questions. Is this a whizz test or some sort of bizarre masochistic ritual? FINALLY, FINALLY I am handed the cup.

For people who might not have ever had to do such a test, there is truly nothing quite as demoralizing as the pee test. You get led to the bathroom, and then given instructions so utterly basic you feel like a 3 year old who’s a bit lethargic picking up proper potty habits. Nothing destroys your well being like actually having to be instructed that once the cup is half full you may continue relieving yourself in to the toilet. Thanks…would you like to tell me how to go about that pesky ‘Eating solid foods’ thing next? I do as I’m told…half fill the damn thing, finish up. Then, for God’s sake LEAVE THE CONTAINER ON THE COUNTER, AND DON’T FLUSH…clearly doing either would utterly DESTROY the very fabric of time and space and open a rift that might send you back to hang with the dinosaurs. So I go wash my hands…then I get to go sit in the room and watch while this LPN basically plays with a cup of my pee. She’s telling me what this tests for and that tests for, but I am simply unable to get past the basic fact that, in the end, she’s just dipping things in a cup of my urine. Anyway, I’m not diabetic, I don’t have the narcotics habits of Gary Busey, and I’m not pregnant (there was a third test but I really don’t remember what the Hell it was for).

A few more tests follow…my vision’s excellent. Left eye and both eyes I can read every single line on the chart. Right eye let the team down a bit as I couldn’t do the last line with just it. Wasn’t giving 110%, obviously. Then there was the basic reflex test…you know, you sit down and they whack you just below each knee with that rubber mallet and your leg flails around like you suffer from some weird retardation. I don’t think this is actually a reflex test so much as it’s a test of how you deal with flailing around like the robot from Lost in Space. If I could go back I’d have shouted “Danger, Will Robinson!”…of course, that probably would have led to another urine test, “Just to be sure…”

Then comes the most basic fitness test of all time. If you are incapable of doing ten push-ups and crunches without your body shaking like you’re in the midst of an epileptic fit, you have been clinically dead for some time. Other tests follow…hold this limb up for ten seconds, do this for ten seconds, blah blah blah. You would have to be some sort of subhuman globule of fat to not be able to pull this shit off…a rotund caveman, perhaps. A fat version of Casper Van Dien, if you will (and I will…seriously, the guy seems about as functional as a blithering idiot forced to endure three days of being beaten around the head with steel girders).

Finally, the hearing test. My right ear scored an ‘Awesome!’…I could hear every pitch and frequency at a level of 0-5 Decibels (25 is considered good). Now, I’m a bit puzzled by the 0…does that mean I can literally hear NOTHING with my right ear? What does nothingness sound like? Deal with THAT piece of zen nonsense, motherfuckers!

My left ear was a letdown…actually, it was also pretty good…aside from the highest frequency, it only took 10 Decibels at the most, and at the highest it was 20. Still pretty good. This is where it gets a bit odd, though…my right ear (which apparently is some sort of cyborg entity. Seriously, it’s like I’m the 6 Million Dollar Man, only they only had enough money to improve one of my ears. So, the Canadian version, really) apparently has a wax blockage. It doesn’t affect anything, but it would require irrigation to remove…because it doesn’t cause issues (and because I have no plans for planting crops in my ear canals), I don’t really care. Still, how does the blocked ear hear BETTER? Is it magical wax? Does this constitute my entry in to a traveling circus sideshow?

So, there we have it. Masculinity basically intact…I expoect to get the “Hey, it was all good, when can you start?” call tomorrow (since everything WAS good).