The 'Super' Bowl

Yes, we are now officially two weeks away from the day of the final game (well, sure there’s the Pro Bowl All Star game, but I think viewership of that matchup might consist of crackheads so zonked out of their minds they no longer possess the wherewithal to change the channel and tinfoil hate wearing conspiracists who are convinced the game is chock full of secret messages from the Illuminati). And in that final game shall be the titanic clash between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the…the Arizona Cardinals…Jesus, I was hoping maybe that had been some great mistake that had been rectified by now, but apparently the great joke is being allowed to continue.

A little background here is necessary. The Arizona Cardinals (ex Phoenix Cardinals, ex St. Louis Cardinals, ex Chicago Cardinals) are basically a joke of a franchise. Having them appear in the championship game is like having a ‘Greatest President Ever’ competition come down to George Washington and Dubya…it’s like having some sort of All Time Awesomest Humanitarian award come down to a choice between Mother Teresa and Idi Amin. It makes no sense! This is a team that, prior to this year, had won a grand total of TWO playoff games since 1947! Yet here they are, about to compete for the NFL championship?! It’s like waking up and being told that Obama was shot during the inauguration and the government decided to replace him with a cardboard cutout of himself…sure, it’s TECHNICALLY still the president, but it isn’t REAL. Hell, even one of the Cardinals star players (receiver Anquan Boldin) doesn’t really seem to want to be there! Well, actually he just wants to be there with a LOT more money, but this is my blog so I get to decide his motivations…and I have decided that he has been angered by the fact his joke of a franchise is polluting the game with their very presence!

Now, quarterbacking the Cardinals is one Kurt Warner, a man with an incredible predilection for throwing out a big shoutout to Jesus for seemingly anything in his life…I keep waiting for the day a camera gets to follow him around for a day and we hear him thank God for the car starting, his sandwich tasting good and the regularity of his morning crap (this makes me wonder…when he couldn’t get a gig in football and was stuck stocking shelves in a grocery store, did he BLAME Jesus? Did he come home, throw his keys on the table, grab a bottle of bourbon and shout things like, “Fuck you, Jesus!” and “Yeah, thanks for the BLESSINGS, motherfucker!” and maybe “I hope you come back and they nail you to ANOTHER goddamn cross!” between swigging down the corn whiskey and projecting his middle finger towards the heavens?). This in itself isn’t a bad thing…Kurt Warner on his game is actually a lot of fun to watch. The problem is that the sports media need a story…and so for 2 weeks it’s going to be nothing but one story after another about the ‘Miraculous Return of Kurt Warner from the brink…REDUX!’. By the time the game comes around I will be cheering not just for the Steelers to destroy his team (you have to understand, with the rivalry my old team, the Houston Oilers, had with Pittsburgh, and my current team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, have with them, even the idea of actively CHEERING for the team is something I would normally find about as pleasant as the idea of being imprisoned with a 300 pound man named Buford who enjoys basically making me his puppet, only using his penis rather than his hand. Actually, the hand probably wouldn’t be all that great, either.), but for them to tear off his throwing arm and use it to beat him in to submission.

Then there is the bizarre situation known as Brenda Warner. Previously known as ‘Kurt’s dyke wife’…

Bring on the vaginal buffet!

…she spent most of her time calling up sports talk shows and complaining about the team’s mistreatment of her husband and about how much his teammates suck. Not exactly the best way to get a team to rally around someone. This beast was inescapable! It was like she couldn’t exist without attention.

NOW, we get this…

…suddenly the she-male beast is actually looking kinda hot! I have no idea what to do with this change…there’s nothing really mockworthy there! This whole contest is rapidly seemingly becoming some sort of Bizarro Super Bowl! I actually find myself looking forward to the inevitable shots during the game of the wife of the quarterback! Actually, considering the Steelers are quarterbacked by Big Ben, I am DEFINITELY looking forward to seeing how many outright whores he brings along…

The pure class of a professional athlete

Kurt Warner vs. Ben ‘Drink Like a Champion’ Roethlisberger, the indestructible cyborg who spends his days either banging bar skanks or winning head on collisions between his skull and motor vehicles? Go forth and conquer, you whoring bastard!

As for the actual GAME, this has all the hallmarks of a beating. I find it very hard to believe Arizona is going to move the ball at will against the league’s best defense. I see a xcouple of turnovers turning in to points the other way, and a very large possibility of the game getting completely out of hand. And I want that. I want Pittsburgh to crush the Cardinals. I want the undeserving joke franchises to get the idea that not only do they have no place in the Super Bowl, but they aren’t WANTED there. They shouldn’t even buy tickets and show up, or else the real teams will find them, beat them and rape them right there in the stands. I want this game to turn in to a horde of unwashed Norsemen with axes coming down upon some hapless Scottish village in 1232! I want a final score of something like 137 to -58! Make it SUCH a hammering the loeague has no choice but to DEDUCT points from the Cards zero! Destroy! Pillage! BURN THEM DOWN!

Erm…yeah…FOOTBALL!