Peer Pressure Works!

(Just a quick note here…this actually just started off as me sharing an ‘Evils of D&D’ related religious comic. Then it just sort of kept going. It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these make it up as I go along blatherings. I hope it’s entertaining).

Most of the poor, bedraggled bastards reading this probably think they have no idea who the Hell that even is. Aaah, but you DO! Ever found one of those ridiculously funny religious comics lying around? Jack Chick is the comedy genius who produces those!

Anyway, I had forgotten all about the guy until he popped up recently on Fundies Say the Darndest Things…and voila, I hit the link to Chickville (verdict :  disappointingly free of chicks). And it didn’t take me long to find just a stupendous example of the funny (among a collection of comics that is not exactly SUBTLE in it’s out and out racism. Seriously, check out the various ones marked in bold as ‘Adapted for Black Audiences’…going from what can be found there, Mr. Chick’s only exposure to black people…or ‘The Negro’ as I’m sure he refers to them…is through reruns of What’s Happening. Oddly, all of the black angels seem to look like a young Muhammad Ali…I’m not sure what to make of that, especially considering the fire and brimstone hurled in the general direction of the ‘Evils of Islam’). Behold…DARK DUNGEONS, where we learn that the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons feature witchcraft and suicide! Oh, and be sure to hit the link for ‘Straight Talk on Dungeons & Dragons’ if you have time and want to spend it making Liam’s ‘Broke my Brain’ face at your monitor. Did you know that ELEVEN people who have played D&D have done BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE?! Astounding! It’s sure a good thing that no man of God has ever, oh, I dunno…raped a boy or anything like that…man would Jack Chick’s face be red if THAT were the case!

What the Hell…I’m on a roll, so why stop?

Now, I have no real issues with Religion ITSELF so much as some of the people who use it to their own ends. Prime example…Pat Robertson. A supposed ‘Man of God’ who seems to need a bit of a refresher course on his Bible. Let’s see, he called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez, which ‘wouldn’t affect the oil’ (Jesus was of course TOTALLY down with the resource companies). He invested masses of money in diamond mines employing slave labor and run by warlords (Again, Jesus was down with the slavery if it kept the bling a rollin’). He’s defended Charles Taylor’s right to foment border wars and punish his enemies by wrapping burning tires around their necks or chopping off their various facial features while they’re still kinda using them (Jesus hates him a snitch). Yes, forgive me, Pat, if I sort of have to call bullshit on your religious convictions (and perhaps think that there are other forms of conviction that would be MUCH more fitting…and frankly much more fun for the rest of us to watch you suffer through).

And of course, as all of these greasy haired, pimped up preachers/snakeoil salesman will tell us (you know, when they AREN’T busy telling us that God apparently wants them to be immensely wealthy, own 63 classic cars and have diamonds encrusted in their teeth. Yeah, I remember the stories of how Jesus and his flock would spend all of THEIR money on megachurches with enough space and seating to host a Denver Broncos game and cruised around the Fertile Crescent in a $75,000 luxury wagon with spinner rims while not dropping a dime to help out that crippled guy, cause it ain’t Jesus’ problem he’s a lazy fucker who can’t find himself a con…errr…JOB, yes…JOB to pay them billz and also live tax free!), the reason we’re all in the Middle East is, of course, to bring some true faith to the lives of those poor, woebegone souls over there. They’ve been fed a false prophecy for all these years, and our ‘Crusaders’ (their term, not mine. Seriously, you can find these wingnuts on late night TV sometimes. It’s truly amusing/terrifying to listen to these crazed psychos rave on and on about politics and prophecies and such like some bizarre combination of a fire and brimstone preacher and a coked up Jim Cramer). We have to save these backwards savages from themselves…why, look at how they treat their WOMEN! We can’t STAND for THAT! They’re treating them like chattel to be traded off like livestock! They’re forcing young girls in to marriages they don’t want, and leaving them to be raped…err…oh, wait…no, sorry that’s the file on what’s going on in Bountiful, British Columbia or the bizarre pronouncements of Warren Jeffs…got a little mixed up there. Uh, that’s DIFFERENT of course, because we’re a BEACON of DEMOCRACY…and…and we’re WHITE.

And, here’s a suggestion for the fundamentalists of the world…your message might get across slightly better if you were not batshit crazy. Things like messages tend to get lost when you’re trying to spread them through, you know, wrapping yourself in a collection of plastic explosives and nails and then setting the whole mess off on a school bus. And if it’s not shooting people you disagree with in the name of whatever the Hell you call your God, it’s acting like escapees from a lunatic asylum. May I present, as Exhibit A, a site called Rapture Ready. Yes indeed, as is indicated by the name of their little black hole for logic, they just can’t wait for that peachy keen End of Days when they can all fly off to heaven and leave us nonbelievers to perish in the Hellfire and such! Actually…are you supposed to feel all smug and superior because your faith supposedly protects you? I don’t think you are. Yeah, you MIGHT wanna hold off on the celebrating, cause you might just be hangin’ around for the show with the rest of us. Anyway, we can all figure out when we’re going to fry by their handy ‘Rapture Index’. Basically, the index is supposed to be a way of standardizing the normally wide variances seen in Rapture reporting. Uh huh. Today’s score, by the way, is 157, which rates as ‘Heavy Prophetic Activity’ and is just 3 points short of ‘Fasten Your Seat Belts’…haha, cause even in the end times we can have a nice giggle! Seriously, what is this, some kind of fucked up weather report? “Yes Chip, you’ll wanna stay indoors today as we’re expecting near gale force winds with a possible apocalypse! And now over to Big Ted with Sports!”

If we look over more of the site we come across some sort of…odd things. Here’s the ‘Prophetic Top Ten’ (again, is the fact the letters are sort of a fiery orange and red and there’s a purple flame effect coming off of them more of that ‘End Times guffaw’ stuff?)…

1. Global financial crisis
2. Iran’s nuclear program
3. The declining value of the dollar
4. China’s growing economic and military might
5. Global terrorism
6. Nation ID initiatives
7. Natural disasters
8. Tension between Israel and Syria
9. The supply of oil
10. Russia’s military aggression

Now, call me crazy but…WHAT?! I don’t remember a sign of the coming apocalypse being those pesky Asians getting all uppity and thinking they can start some shit…or anything AT ALL about OIL. What the fuck is it with the Christian wackjobs and the petroleum…aside from the fact the loonier the preacher is, the more of it he seems to slather his hair with?! Sure, I GET the fundy Islamists and their connection to the oil, it being where they get all their damn money and such. Yet apparently Christendom’s path to the land of righteousness is now greased with Unleaded.

Now, in case you’re thinking of trying to find your OWN wacky nutjob site, here’s a good tip. They’ll often have articles that prominently feature lines like this…Since the election I’ve been asked a number of times to comment on the likelihood that Mr. Obama could be the anti-Christ. If your site of choosing features gems like that one, rejoice! You hath found the wellspring of merriment and hilarity! Oh, and in case you don’t feel like reading through both scintillating parts of ‘The Anti-Christ and Mr. Obama’, I’ll give you a hint…not YET, because it’s not TIME yet, but he could BECOME it. So, yeah…DAMN…no brimstone and screams of sinners. (Actually this raises a question for me…does that mean ANYONE can just BECOME the Antichrist? Do they KNOW they’re going to be it?)

Now, in case you’re getting all depressed, worrying about having to live through War against Satan and everything, there’s good news…the good people at Rapture Ready (you know, the ones better than us who will leave us behind on this plane of torment) have prepared the Post Rapture Survival Guide! Don’t get too excited, though…here’s a key sentence early on…If you are reading this manual and the rapture has already occurred, then you probably are not going to physically survive; you most likely will die sometime un the next few years. This manual is about the survival of your soul. You are going to go through terrible suffering. It’s not ALL bad, though, there are some helpful tips! Actually…now that I read this, it’s more like ‘Reasons you’re roasting, motherfucker!”

-And therefore, after the rapture, more than likely marriage will be discouraged or illegal, and homosexual and lesbian relationships highly encouraged. Really. So, even with the world a Hellish nightmare of conflict and disease and death, the biggest concern of the gay community is going to be deciding which of them gets to wear the dress?

-Due to excessive lawlessness, the love of many will grow cold. Not saying this isn’t a bit crappy, but this is the last item on a list that also includes war, famine, massive earthquakes and persecution…I can sort of understand why people’s biggest issue might NOT so much be making sure they have some quiet couple time.

-Therefore, since you have decided to reject Christ’s offer to join in the rapture, your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. You must build a supply of multiple vitamins with particular emphasis on anti-oxidants such as C and E and minerals. It will also be necessary to have a supply of disinfectants, particularly one that can be added to water to make it potable. So, we FINALLY get to a tip…and it’s basically ‘Boil water and slam down your Flintstones chewables’? I’m sorry, I was looking for advice on surviving the Rapture, not how to survive in the woods if I get lost while camping. “Fire, pestilence, war…who gives a shit, I gots my Beta Carotene!” By the way, apparently we get to deal with this for 7 years before Jesus comes and just basically snaps his fingers and says “Hey, I’m here now so…yeah…THAT’S over.” Now, I understand the whole need to punish the nonbelievers thing, but…7 years? Really? Isn’t that kind of dickish? Is this God’s way of trying to prove he’s ’still serious’ and all ‘Old Testament-y’, even though we all know he sort of lost the fire when he had a kid?

Now, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that these Doomtime-hopefuls are without senses of humor! Heck, there’s a humor section on the site…and the LAUGHS. Let’s find one. Oh, here we go, Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife…this is bound to be kinda funny. I’m sure there are some real rib ticklers in there!

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. Haha…huh?

Find a prostitute and marry her. So the resulting syphilis…is THAT the funny part?

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Now, if this IS in fact a reference to a golden shower, I AM pretty damn impressed. If not…not so much getting it.

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. You just don’t see that mentioned on too many real estate signs these days.

Okay, maybe it gets funny later on…I’m gonna skip a few…

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. Silly me, I was trying to come up with scenarios that would count as REAL. Seriously, stop getting all up in my grill about your kingdom, Jesus. You were born in to money.

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though). I didn’t realize this was a plan to make ME someone’s wife in Cell Block C. Actually, now that I think about this…if I’m not married and have a son, doesn’t that mean that child was born out of wedlock? Seems like an odd topic for these people to bring up.

I know I said I was shifting ahead, but #5 is a goddamn winner!

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. So THAT’S how it works! Anyone having a holiday shindig this year? Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like a clubbing, a kidnapping and a forced marriage!

Seriously, I copied those verbatim. Now, they ARE funny…solely because they frankly couldn’t be less appropriate if they were fingering my ass and giving my taxes an audit. Now, if one is to try and take these various biblical passages literally (they ARE all quotes from the bible, so ya know) I’m still really not seeing the funny. No wonder early Christianity was not exactly a time of mirth. I always thought it was due to the pestilence and such…nope, THIS was their material!

MOTHERLODE! WE HAVE HIT MOTHERLODE! THERE ARE FORUMS! There is a World Events subforum…I think this forum’s existence may actually count as evidence there may in fact be a God.

Apparently Obama’s maintaining funding for Planned Parenthood  = the headline ‘Obama planning billion dollar bailout for abortion industry’. Do they typically describe themselves as an industry? I mean, at least give them a shadowy sounding name…maybe they could be The Abortion Syndicate, or The Abortion Compact. Wow, Carl here has an interesting idea of how they’ll use that money, in case you were wondering...And maybe they will use the money to hire rapists to keep their business going. Yes, just like Jesus would no doubt say. What else we got…hmmm…An X-Rated Inaugural?…perhaps this explains all those weird emails popping in to my spam folder regarding ‘Michelle Obama Fuck Footage’. No, apparently he’s picked a poet who is known for some ‘racy’ (by which I mean she has mentioned icky words like…’genitalia’ in her work) material to speak at the inauguration. How…actually, this topic as a whole is really disappointing. Let’s see what else we’ve got. Hmmm…OPEC cutting production…dammit, no ‘Those Damn Arabs!” diatribes! Though this caught my eye…Say it again and louder, brother. I want to go Home. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess…backwoods Kentucky? Hicksville? Rubeton? Oh, no, it’s just you expressing your desire for death…uhhh…quick question though…how is heaven home if you’ve never been there? I mean, you don’t hear me listing ‘The Playboy Mansion’ as MY home despite the fact I’d love for it to be (I actually wouldn’t…I suspect it’s probably an intensely dull place).

OH! ONE ON GAY MARRIAGE! It’s even BETTER…apparently Newsweek had the ‘audacity’ to claim that all of that ‘peace and understanding’ stuff counts for them fags, too!

God sent his son to die for us, rather than rewrite the rules for us: we should consider this the next time someone wants to redfine sin. How much it cost Godto die in our place. Well, to be honest…he’s kind of omnipotent. Sure, he hung out in a burial cave for a couple days, and I’m sure that wasn’t exactly a picnic, but then he just pushed the rock outta the way and went to get some breakfast or whatever. Is that really something that counts as a sacrifice per se?

Hmmm…what else have we got in these forums? An entire section for End Times chat…how uplifting. Mid-East chat. Aaaah yes, it’s all good that Israel booted the human rights envoy of the UN out when he started protesting their treatment if the Palestinians…after all, if the Jews aren’t in ALL of old Israel, Jesus can’t come back and slaughter them like hogs (haha! Irony!) so these peace loving people can fly on up to Heaven! At what point do our world’s self proclaimed experts get past their blinding intellect and realize that if they really want to know the world’s future they need to consult it’s author, by the way he left instructions. You know that crazy book of fairy tails also know as the Bible. Here here! Consult the burning bush! Prepare a fleet of arks…we do battle with the Natural Law’s armada of yogic flyers!

Anyway, yeah, I’m actually growing tired of this…it just goes on and on and on, but no matter how much I look, they just don’t run out of crazy. Hell, believe whatever you want…so long as you aren’t hurting anybody it’s all good. However, when you’re honestly discussing how the EU could become a one world order, and in another area of the site are chatting about how you’re a ‘gory first person shooter junkie’…well, sorry, but you’re fucking crazy.

I’ll close this off with a couple of other great quips from Fundies Say the Darndest Things.

SteveG: “Find me one shred of evidence that dinosaurs and dogs lived at the same time.”

ASaltyDog: “Easy: the zoological, historical, and soteriological implications of the biblical revelation. In short, if dinosaurs and dogs didn’t live at the same time, I would still be in my sins. But I am not in my sins, so therefore dinosaurs and dogs must have lived at the same time.” Wow! And you know what? I happened to take a shit today, and when I came out of the bathroom the sun had come out from behind some clouds! Clearly, I shit sunshine!

We recently purchased an Arabic/English Bible. However, upon reading the Arabic, I discovered to my horror that in reference to God it says Allah!!! This is a very popular version published by the International Bible Society. Does anyone here know of an alternative to this? Such as using the generic term for God “rabona”. It is highly disturbing and misleading for the Arabic speaking world to read about the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as Allah. Our God does have a name, but it is certainly not Allah. Any help gratefully received. Yeah…uhhh…Allah IS their word for God. I know, those dirty non-Englishers, eh? Oh, and as for advice…have your womb removed. Soon.

Oh fuck…ladies and gentlemen, as this is losing steam I was sort of worried about how to close it all up. I no longer need to worry, thanks to moddy in some Yahoo conversational thread.

“we are not atheist towards other gods, we believe they don’t exist.”

Good night.