Peer Pressure Works!

Yes, now that a few days have passed and I’ve vented the initial burst of spleen, I’ve decided to maybe try to write something else about the current state of ‘government’ in the nation of Canada…perhaps even coming off as making a little bit of sense, as opposed to a carpet bombing strike  of rageful 4 letter words that sort of comes off as the rant equivalent of just screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!” at the top of my lungs as though I’m part of the subdued cast of 300 2 : Sparta Rises (This raises the question of which current government party leader would play the role of Xerxes, who according to the movie must have had the title Lord of Piercings and Faggotry).

Let’s try looking at this party by party, which is sort of going to mean leader by leader. Declare some winners and some losers, divide up my roiling volcano of anger in to a few smaller lava flows, and hope that results in something somewhat sensible.

Bloc Quebecois/Gilles Duceppe : Clearly, if there is a winner in this debacle, it’s this guy and the Bloc…and, actually the entire province of Quebec could be included as well. Why? Come on…this guy represents Quebec and only Quebec…you gonna tell me he’d agree to support this coalition without getting some massive promises for the province his ‘Federal’ Party represents? I sense a major influx of government programs based in Montreal approaching. And, as much as I DESPISE the motherfucker, I actually kind of have to admire him…he absolutely hit this one out of the park, over the neighboring park, and through the window of that cantankerous old bastard nobody in the neighborhood likes. Besides, it’s hardly his fault that the leaders of the TRUE Federal parties are useless douchebags.

I do not, however, suddenly feel that this All Quebec, All The Time bullshit is suddenly warranted. To avoid another developing explosion of rage developing, I will simply cut and paste my paragraph about how much I’d love to see the Frenchies be stupid enough to punt themselves, and move on…

And, lemme guess, there were just a FEW perks set aside during negotiations between these parties (and we come to find out those had been happening since before the goddamn election) to keep the fucking frogs from starting to croak about separating again. Note to Quebec…fuck you. You wanna leave? Leave. Oh, you don’t want to pay your part of the debt, you want to use our monetary system for free and you want us to keep subsidizing you? Okay…oh, and by the way, you don’t have any rights to cross Canadian sea or airspace (basically rendering you landlocked with no way to import or export anything but typical French whining), we won’t recognize you in any International assembly (kind of a major thing. Since most European and Asian nations have their own wannabe breakaway republics, they are wont to accept Quebec as a separate nation unless it’s pretty much ‘okay’d’ by the rest of the country), oh and good luck when the native tribes that technically own the land your biggest mineral reserves are located in decide to follow your example and secede from YOU. Of course, why the fuck would they actually leave? We give them everything we want right now, simply because every fucking political party is desperate to fight for votes in their province!

There, French bashing quote filled. I can now move on with my chin held high. My mandate is complete.

Liberals/Stephane Dion/??? Mystery Future Leader – This is actually sort of a mixed bag. After all, it’s a win for a party that seemed to be crumbling and falling apart, yet now finds itself with it’s party head as the de facto PM. And that’s the part of this whole arrangement that is so utterly ridiculous I have to laugh…despite all of this, they are STILL punting Dion. So as of May, the Liberal Party will choose a new leader…AND THAT LEADER WILL BE THE NEW PRIME MINISTER! Yes, PARTY INSIDERS AND MEMBERS get to pick the leader of the whole goddamn country (I actually suspect this may lead to the first fractures in this coalition of convenience. Seeing as Bob Rae is an ex…disastrous…NDP Premier for Ontario, the NDP wants him. Michael Ignatieff, the Liberal front runner, has not exactly been kind towards them and the Bloc through the years, so neither likely wants him. I can see both parties demanding a say in a Liberal decision, the Liberals telling them to go screw, and we have fissures, ladies and gentlemen)! Dear Liberal Party of Canada…if you are going to be appointing a leader for the rest of us to just grin and bear, shut your lying dumbfuck mouths whenever you feel like uttering the word ‘Democracy’.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I felt that, upon choosing the new leader, they would then say “Now, we will give the Canadian people a chance to decide if they want Mr. Ignatieff/Rae/Nameless Outsider (We’ll call him Dion 2) as their leader.” However, this is about as likely as Don Cherry showing up in an elegantly tailored Italian suit that doesn’t look like the upholstery from a 30 year old chesterfield. No, they crow about the Tories autocratic ways (and they often have a point), but the Liberal party has quite a sterling history of the same.

NDP/Jack Layton – I hate seeing this smug twat win anything. I really do. You KNOW this motherfucker’s going to spend the next 6 months hopping around and trumpeting about how Canadians want NDP values (and never once answering the question…Then why didn’t they fucking VOTE FOR THEM?)…we’re going to see Layton get probably ten times as much facetime as the temp Prime Minister, because Jacky LOVES the damn cameras! I kind of hope he pulls a Jesse Ventura, actually…gets the out of nowhere victory, then wastes his entire mandate talking to cameras about how awesome his out of nowhere victory was/is.

I mean, prior to this Jack has been somewhat of a party disappointment. He never really brought the party any of the gains that were expected, because he simply fell flat. He tries to be the folksy, down to Earth guy, but that smug jackass veneer keeps shimmering through his pitiful disguise. Most people, shockingly, do not like smug jackasses…most of us have to work with a smug jackass, and the fact that there is no legal loophole that allows heavy stick beatings against smug jackasses is a constant thorn in the side of our very existence. In this entire Legion of the Damned, I see Jack as the guy who desperately wanted it. Probably there were clashes between the Liberals and Bloc on a few occasions, and Jack was he one pulling them back together, so close to power he could fucking taste it, and willing to give up anything to get it. And that’s why I’d LOVE to know what this motherfucker gave up to Frogland.

The Coalition – It gets separate mention because I simply do not see how this can last long term. The Liberals have environmental policies that the NDP loudly mocks. The NDP’s ridiculous economic policies are constantly derided by the Liberals. The Bloc…well, the Bloc mocks everybody (I can’t quit loving you, Gilles, you delightfully scathing bastard!). Two things we do know….

1. Quebec is about to have roads paved in platinum. Gold is for us Anglo fucktards…they need the best!

2. The auto industry just came in it’s pants. Yep, all those inefficient North American car makers will get massive subsidies to keep pushing out their Goliath piece of shit autos that no human being wants anymore. The NDP’s major backer is labor, and the Liberals NEED Ontario. So, yay, we all get to give a few billion to these fucking morons to subsidize their years of lazy stupidity! And somehow, to the Coalition, this will equal a plan to save the economy. Actually, it is the paying of businesses for inefficiency and bad ideas really anything NEW in this country???

Conservatives/Steven Harper – And here we have the very deserving loser. Steve…dude…you had a MINORITY GOVERNMENT. That doesn’t allow you to run around like some tyrannical despot, hurling everyone else aside with scorn and invective. You said you’d work with the opposition, what, THREEE WEEKS ago? You couldn’t, therefore you frankly don’t deserve to run a minority. You fucked it up. You wanna scream and shout? Just look in to a mirror while you’re doing it, you arrogant, dictatorial fuck. Good goddamn riddance.

As for the party, this could actually be somewhat of a blessing in disguise for a few reasons.

1. This guarantees that, whenever the next election happens, one bloc of voters will be showing up in massive numbers…Conservative voters. These people are going to be pissed right the fuck off, and they’re going to go to the polls. It’s quite possible to imagine the Conservatives and their voters pulling an end around while everyone else gets fat and happy on the spoils.

2. This gives them the chance to pick an actual, functioning human being for a leader…not just another episode of ‘Mr. Tin Man Runs the Country!’. And when picking a new leader, they might want to sytart actually backing up what they promise…seriously, until you guys prove you’re willing to put your money where your mouth is, you are not allowed to bring up the name Jean Chretien and roll your eyes. That’s a privilege you have to earn!

In the short term, though, catastrophic loss. It’s like some political version of Mortal Kombat, and the party just got itself Fatality’d (I picture Layton somewhere in the background cackling “Your soul…is MINE.”).

The Public – Prepare for a House of Commons that will consist of 6 months of this.

Conservatives – We oppose!

Liberals – Of course you do, but we don’t care, because you’re losers.

NDP – We have the votes, we have the mandate, we…(someone hurriedly whispers in their ear)…well, we…we have the VOTES. We WIN!

Bloc – Quebec is tired…rub Quebec’s feet! And where the fuck is that 3rd beer?!

Nobody loses more than all of us. We get to watch 6 months of childish partisan crap. We get to watch Quebec rake in the spoils, and yet continue to whine about a lack of respect (Don’t blame them. They’re French. It’s part of their heritage.) and backing. We get to watch a collection of the unelected oust a collection of the incompetent, all the while bizarrely talking about Democracy. We get to watch party flacks choose our national leader.

There is one good thing in all of this…I have noticed a delightful increase in old-guy political conversations at Tim Hortons. Seriously, head on down and grab a coffee and enjoy the rancor…enjoy hearing about this ‘goddamn party’ and that ‘goddamn leader’ and how the ‘goddamn NDP’ will bankrupt the ‘goddamn country’. Old man anger…I have missed you.